Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[fran]

I am also wondering how people successfully Let Go and still retain that Connection with their loved one?

I know being interdependent rather than independent has been a big eye opener for me, and has certainly helped in my relationship with my son and my husband.  Being independent is regarded as a level of wellness tool, however, some clinicians forget, that to some people that can be very scary.  Once I took the focus off my son and myself being independent, and appreciated the interdependency of our relationship everything has been so much better. 

[PeppiPatty]

i @fran

How are you?

My name is @PeppyPatti .....I have two sons. It was a few years of feeling awful when my oldest son went to live with my brother when he turned 16 and when my youngest son turned 16....3 years later, he also moved in with my Mum. 

May I ask  how old your son is? 

My youngest son is 21 now and he is in the process of staying with me and my husband by March 8th. I havent really had much to do with him for over 5 years. My heart is very big inside my chest but I keep on feeling I will be dissappionted. 

[fran]

Hi Peppy Patty,

My son is 37, he came back home when he was 25. Now he lives in a unit. 

Those butterflies in the stomach can be the cause of much self aggravation, preempting, assumptions, perceptions, catastrivising, judgements, regrets, expectations -  not only of ourselves but of those we love.  When all we really want to do is just give them a big hug.

You have much to catch up on with your son, and that can be so scary.  I would imagine he may be experiencing similar feelings to yourself.  One thing I have learnt, and that is the dance.  Two steps forward and one step backwards seems to be the go over the last 12 years. It has been another learning time about him and me, and I find that interesting and enjoyable. Also at times he is like an old friend I haven't seen for years, we fall back into the ease of a good friendship very quickly. I have learnt we are both very forgiving people, and that helps, because we stumble, dust ourselves off and start over again.  I have learnt not to define him by his bad behaviour, he is so much more that that, and most of the time is a gem.

What amazes me is his resilience, after all he has been through and is still going through.

I will be thinking of you on 8 March. Please keep sharing

[PeppiPatty]

Oh Golly @fran

You have written how I feel.

I'm so hurt and angry at my Mum because when my son was really really ill for 15 years, then, he got better. she and my Step Father, were working together in a work way about their own lives and in comes my Mum and  Step Dad (divorced) and says .......we are going to take over his care as friends and get him through high school and beginning of University.

My son was influenced by them two slagging me off and cutting me out of his life. It felt like he was'nt my son anymore. Mum was having these narcessistic rages at me. I felt like in this......kitchen drain going down in a circle of sewage stuff. 

He had an argument with Mum and he moved out, I hear from Mum of everything he was doing wrong. The whole world heard. She was calling my brothers to get help over parenting him. 

But now, he wont speak to my Mum..he's using illegal substances and he has asked to move back in with me. Then out of the blue I hear from my Mum who wants to visit me at the end of this week. She never comes over, but shes heard he's moving in at the end of this week from friends. His friend's parents know my Mum because they all live in the same area. 

So, she's coming over. For the past three months, I've been getting support from a friend about how to distance myself from my Mum and that has been very good for me. It's like a light had gone on in my head how she and my Dad were both using me to be their.....piece of shit in their lives. Someone to laugh at and make sure they didnt feel as bad about themselves because they can laugh about me. All my life. 

No more. But my poor son is emotionally messed up and I need to feel very strong.

[NikNik]

Two great facebook responses:

Angela…

Does he mind if you tell your friends he is unwell? They may be more understanding...

I know its easier for me when i feel like hiding away to just say to my friends ' im just going behind my rock for a bit'. 

Also can your friends come to your house? I know when i feel like hibernating i still dont mind if people pop round to visit.

Debbie…

When I was ill with depression I isolated myself from family and friends, particularly family because I felt ashamed. I know I lost people by isolating myself because they did not know what was happening. In saying that once those around me knew how ill I was and what depression was doing to me, they understood and they provided support. Depression is so easily an isolating illness because that is what stigma has created but those who are your family and friends will understand and they will go out of their way to understand. They wont flood you to make your husband feel like he is drowning but it gives you hope, it gives you a step forward in your recovery. Instead of being scared about what people will think if you say you are mentally ill he will feel more purpose and he will take a step forward in his recovery. I wish you both the best.....xxxx

[NikNik]

Happy Monday everyone!

A big thank you to @Shaz51 , @Janna , @fran and @PeppiPatty for responding to the question last week.

This week's question:

I am mum to a 23yr old user/addict of cannabis, who has a vulnerability to psychosis (1 x acute hospital admission), and currently shows some issues with thought disorder and social cues. After living out of home for 4.5yrs, he has been back at home with his parents and 2 younger siblings for 7-8 months due to no money, no job and a declining social circle.

Our hope was to convince him to give up smoking weed, and to get some psych assessments and treatment as was deemed appropriate.

While we have managed to get some assessment done, our son will admit to no mental health issues- no insight into his problems -, will not engage with health professionals about possible diagnoses/treatments and continues to smoke weed very publicly at home, despite being asked not to. He is also reluctant to comply with other household norms.

We have recently asked him again to give up weed and stay, or to continue to smoke and move out. Neither option is acceptable to him, and we are yet to put a date on it. When the time comes, it will not be pretty getting him out of the house.

Is this "tough love " approach the right thing to do here?

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Person asking for a dialogue on young men using addictive illegal substances. This is so harsh but I can only agree that in this situation that tough love is the only way to go.

It breaks my heart writing this because of my own situation with my sons and my neighbour and friend and what she is going through. 

1. call the police if he doesnt go.

2. Tell him that you know that he's been lying to you but though it breaks your heart because you love him, you need to take care of yourself first.

I will write shortly again but; 

please know that  if you give him that space to remember your past good parenting this is the only way that it can kick in. 

I have got one more thing to write;

My son's being 25 and 21 years old. My oldest son with same issues as your son;

There is two ways that you can go;

!. make it into a drama; cry a lot, call your friends tell them this.

2. Get boundries around you. In that the only your son will get through this is from your strength. He is still......seeking approval from you by just being at home and misbehaving.

I know nothing about this situation in that this is your experience but if anyone else was behaving around you like this; would you telerate it? 

[Appleblossom]

I had 2 related situations. With younger siblings in the house there really it seems best to be clear about your limits .. yet promise to remain open to who he as a person and to some contact outside of the house. He doesnt sound like he will be responsible otherwise .. 1) My mother dilly dallied in a similar situation ... saying she would love my brother more than anyone etc etc... but in the end it didnt help him grow up ... ensured the whole family suffered .. not a good outcome for anyone. 2) With my husband I was firm and no drugs came in the house with the kids ... he grew up ... a bit .. though our marriage did not last.. Indulging it does not help.. your son is an adult and if he chooses to continue or get caught breaking the law .. they are all reasonable consequences.. but I would go anywhere for my brother .. nor would I hassle him if he smoked in my presence ... but I stood for my mum's right not to have dope in her house ... she took out an intervention order out on him ... after 15 years of mucking about ... but it was too late.

[fran]

I am trying to draw on my own experience and of others, that I know, who have been in a similar situation.  Firstly, if we are living around conflict, that does not help anybody's state of mind, stress, communication and relationship.

 So planning your strategy is vital.  It is important, not to be seen as reacting to the situation, that indeed you have a plan, and you have come to terms with the outcome of your plan.  Of course, we would hope the outcome would be positive, and your son would agree to your terms.  However, we know that probably won't happen.

So some things to do first, contact some mental health youth organisations, contact GROW. The mental health government system can and do have some good options available. They want to keep people out of hospital also, and there is a strong move to have support out of the hospital system.  Find out about detox places; talk to a mental health trained police liason officer, hopefully there will be one in your area. If Police are eventually called in, it does help for them to know that the person has mental health issues. Tell all these people you speak to what is happening.  Help could be just around the corner.

Doing all this will take time, (not as long as you would think) but being prepared is better than not.  Knowledge is powerful and helpful.  Carer groups are a source of much helpful information.

It is a harrowing time for you all, and it hurts to see the one we love confused, hurting, and not being very good to themselves, so it does help if you can live in different places, and have the space and time to relax and renew your energies to keep on supporting him.  Are you in a financial position to help him find and live in other accommodation?  Whilst he is living at home, he is not classed as homeless.  Living in a caravan, couch surfing (staying overnight at different places), camping, living in a car, I am pretty certain are classed as being homeless. That means they can apply for public housing. However there is a waiting list, still better to be on the list than not.

I never lose sight of my son's possibilities, or the necessity and importance of my support and love that he needs to feel. That does not mean I agree or like everything he says or does. These are major mistakes they are making, however they do not have to be forever, they can turn their life around, many many have.  Support in that change could come from some of the mental health organisations or the mental health system.

Keep having the conversation,  I wish you well in whatever way you choose to go.

Fran

[NikNik]

Happy Monday Everyone!

Just a quick thank you to those who shared their insights and advice last week - @PeppiPatty @Appleblossom and @fran

This week's question is:

How does a parent of a young adult child living in the family home, suffering mental illness know when to correct bad behaviour? It'ss so hard to know how much and how stern one should be.