Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[Jane3]

Volunteering is a really way of becoming part of a community. I work in aged care and I have seen many people with and without mental illness benefiting from volunteering. I have seen new friendships form and increased confidence. Our volunteers are an integral part of our not-for-profit organisation. We could not do without them. There are many volunteer activities available such as keeping residents company, helping with feeding, playing cards and board games. There are many other types organisations needing volunteers if aged care is not your cup of tea. There are also volunteer social events like lunches and excursions. All the best and I hope this helps.

[NikNik]

Happy Monday all! Thanks to @Shaz51 and @Jane3 for your responses last week and helping out our new member.

This week's question is from someone caring for their partner:

After reading a lot of information about being a carer - overwhelmingly the advice I have read is that I, as a carer, should also be getting myself some support. I'm very keen to see a psychologist and just unload everything I have bottled up over the past 12 months.

My partner and I have a good relationship and I go in and out of phases of being a 'carer'. The question I have though is should I tell my partner I'm seeking support through a psychologist. I don't want to be dishonest but I also don't want him to blame himself or think that I can't cope with his tough times.

Any advice would be great.

[Former-Member]

Hi,

I think it will be best if you tell your partner & you may get a good response. My partner is my carer & I would like for him to see his own psychologist at times. He definitely has carer's fatigue & he admits it. We have been together for 12+ years & he has been my paid carer for 1+year. I am very happy when he does something for himself - like go cycling (even if he will only do it when I am running). I hope your partner is glad that you are trying to look after yourself. You can only help others if you look after yourself first. If your partner does blame themselves, which may happen if your partner is experiencing depression - just gently reassure them that you love them etc.

Best of luck,

Namaste,

Anna 

[Shaz51]

Hi, welcome to the forum ,

I agree with  @Former-Member    ,that it will be best if you tell your partner 

@NikNik

Also I have read  a lot of information about being a carer - overwhelmingly the advice I have read is that I, as a carer, should also be getting myself some support.

 I have not thought about  seeing  a psychologist for myself , I go in with my Husband with his appointment and I have to encourage him to do his homework and remind him what the psychologist wants him to do

[Jane3]

Hi. I have been to counselling on and off for the past 5 years. I did not say anything to my mother who I am caring for because she already feels guilty that I am her carer and the effect it has on my life. I feel that I need to be strong for her and she counts on that. She considers me to be her rock so I never let on if I am not coping. I seek support from friends, colleagues in similar situations and this forum that has helped me so much. It feels good to give and receive support from others who are in similar situations and who understand how it feels. The decision to tell your partner depends on the type of relationship you have and if you think it would help or not help. You know your partner and your relationship and the right decision for you will become clear as you think it through. Best wishes and I hope this helps.

[Janna]

Carers have their own needs and it is perfectly normal to need support.  Wanting support for ourselves generates feelings in which we judge ourselves critically.  It activates feelings of incompetence, neediness, guilt, inadequacy, etc.  We want to present ourselves as being strong and competent because we want to protect those that we are caring for from the harsh and often painful realities of life.  In doing this we tend to cocoon them but this is a double-edged sword because we invariably sacrifice our own needs.  We really don't want the people we care for to feel that they are a burden, or that we are struggling because of them and we often pretend that we are in total control when the reality may be far from that truth.  It is really important to have our own needs met and therapy is a great idea.  Why not try being upfront and honest about seeking support.  You don't have to be specific - try generalising by using terms that do not imply that your partner has anything to do with it - e.g. I've been feeling rather anxious lately and thought I'd go to see a psychologist.  In many respects allowing your partner to see your vulnerabilities or having knowledge that you also have emotional needs may make him feel less alone and "different" and may in some way activate the "carer" part within him.  

Once you get yourself to therapy these are exactly the things you need to be discussing with the therapist face-to-face.  Make that appointment, tell your partner whatever sits comfortably with you and don't feel bad about doing it.  

All the best

Janna ❤️

[Former-Member]

Hi all,

I agree with @Janna. Telling your partner or not depends on your assessment of the situation and what sits right with you.

I have done both, told and not told. The first time I told and because it worried my partner he was less than supportive. The second time I did not tell him. 

I learnt a lot from both experiences in different ways. However not everyone needs this sort of help. There is a lot more information and support for carers these days than when I first started my search for help. Peer support can be helpful too. 

cheers.

[NikNik]

Happy Monday Everyone!

Thanks to @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Jane3 @Janna and @Former-Member for your great responses to last week's question.

This week's question:

I have been in a relationship for 8 years with a person with a mental illness - so I guess I have also been a carer. We have decided to part ways. It's fairly tough, but it ended on good terms.

My question is, how much responsibility should I take on in continuing to care for his needs as someone as a mental illness. He often went to appointments because I would remind him (sometimes force him), I filled his prescriptions, I cooked when he wasn't okay. I just don't know who will do that now.

I need some space to "regroup" as this is a huge change for my life, but at the same time, I feel like I need to remain his carer.

Not sure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[PeppiPatty]

yes.....but the most important person in this relationship is still you.

Will this feeling..of being there for him/her  stop you from living your life ?

A song i like listening to by The Cowboy Junkies called " tomorrow Morning-" i guess im touching onto last weeks tuesday nights Sane Forums talk on Music for therapy

But.... as i remember that this song emphasises........

"its nice to think of you but I really like the extra space I have in my bed."

When my husband and i seperated for 18 months i ensured that there would be no communication at all. it was devestating for me but I was so tired from all the dramas of being his carer.

About 18 months later- my Mum rang me and told me that she had a card for me from him.

He survived....I was sure he was'nt going to. It was so hard to decide to completely cut communication.

...after 3 or 4 months of sparodic visits....we decided to try again and after 8 months we have decided to live together. The changes that he had placed in his life were about caring for me.

 There are a lot of changes put in place for my wellbeing ...but I  have noticed how easy it has been for him to expect me to be there to take him to appointments again ....

We will be talking about that soon.

Thank you for the great question. If I had the intelligence to ask this question in my life...it would have been much different and ....better outcomes for me.
good luck :0) .

[Shaz51]

Hi ,

how do you yourself feel,

do you still love your partner ??

Do you just need a break for a little while ??

I  do all those things with my hubby like you , sometimes he said things he doesn`t mean , I still know he loves me .

This forum has been great showing me that i need to look after myself to look after my hubby ,