worried

[outlander]

@Faith-and-Hope can I ask you something?
Feel abit better asking on the carers side, hope its ok..
If your not up for it thats more than ok

[Faith-and-Hope]

Sorry @outlander ..... just saw this now and I think you have gone to bed .....

My kids have been helping me with my computing homework.

Will catch up with you tomorrow Hon.  It’s a busy day for me, but ask anyway, and I will answer you when I can.

Sleep well 💜

[outlander]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope
Have you ever felt like your not 'fitting' or just feel unsettled everywhere you go?
I get the feelings even on here which is making it hard for me to be here but its not any members its like an internal thing.
I go home and i just dont want to be there its the same as the horses mums house shopping centres and here. Its hard being around people because i keep stuffing up my words so i stay quiet but then its awkward too.
Im hoping this is making sense. I really didn't want it to come across as its people here causing it but it really isnt.
You seem to be good at keeping some sort of balance so wanted to talk to you. Hope thats ok....

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @outlander .....

This question probably has a jigsaw puzzle answer.

I can only respond from my own ideas and experience, as you know, so others may tell you something else .....

First of all, I think everyone, or at least most people, from all backgrounds and all walks of life have experienced this.  I know I have.  We moved around a lot while I was growing up so I had to “break in” to new social groups amongst new people every year or so.

The one constant for me was that I had loving parents.  Even though I was bullied at school and boarding school (from 12 yo) that was something that gave my self-confidence some stability.

People wiithout loving, supportive parents have had a shakier start, but true friendships or other strong family relationships can help to stabilise and rebuild this .... but there will be trust issues to get past too.

Its all in the baby steps @outlander, and learning to recognise who are safe people to lean on, and for them to lean on you ..... relationships being a two way street.

Most importantly for you at the moment is probably coming to terms with the understanding that these are “only” feelings ..... that is not to devalue them in any way, but for you to understand that feelings are vaporous .... shiftable .... they are not like a brick wall that you can’t get over and around.  You can learn to rationalise with your feelings and begin to trust in yourself and others more ..... but it is a baby-steps process ..... little by little, like any skill-building.  

I have to go to class, but I will look out for your response later today.

💜

[outlander]

thank you @Faith-and-Hope
i dont really even know how to respond. what you said i can understand but i dont know just feel out of sorts 

[Faith-and-Hope]

That’s pretty normal @outlander.  Sometimes we can feel like we are the only one who responds like that, but it’s confusing and overwhelming,   That’s why self-care is so important, and taking things in the tiniest bits that we can manage, doesn’t matter how small.  And the days where it feels to hard to try to think things through or process feelings, or anything else, they are the days to just get through .... from sunrise to sunset ...,, just “have a day” and wait for the next one.

I came home from the support meeting I went to the other night all rattled and feelings in turmoil ..... you have to breathe slowly and calmly to calm your nervous system, and try to find something to focus your attention on.  Keeping busy is good.

Fnding things that bring you even a glimmer of joy can help to fill those empty feelings ..... because you’re actually feeling something else.  You don’t have to be happy for something to spark a moment of joy in you ..... it’s a heart response to something beautiful, or special, or that evokes an emotional response .... look for those ..... they have life and healing in them.

💜

P.S. .... love you being here @outlander ..... you are special to many people here, even if you can’t feel it at the moment ..... numbness is a form of self-protection.

[outlander]

thanks @Faith-and-Hope

ive been working on learning about emotions and managing/accepting things but i dont seem to be getting very far. things just pile up and up and is very crushing.

ive been trying to self care, and have 'those days' but it just seems relentless and almost pointless.

on tuesday morning i wanted to paint so had set it up and was going ok (besides physically) and showed mum how to do some of the fluid arts. by the time id set it up i was ready to walk away from it, went straight back down to that really low what is the point anymore mode. mum was enjoying herself though so just watched for abit. why couldnt i just enjoy those few moments, that hasnt happened before with art, usually setting up the 'boring' part and then i get right into into it.

i dont know where else to find those moments, i guess they just appear when we least expect it.

i agree that numbeness is a form of self-protection but it is affecting me even here. i cant seem to let anyone in but instead am pushing you guys away or hings come into my head like others dont want me around etc even if it isnt true.

i really cant seem to get some sort of internal balance back or even just become a little more back to normal

[Faith-and-Hope]

It will take time @outlander ..... and therapy is some of the puzzle pieces, Art is too ..... and then there will be the unexpected joys ..... it all comes together in bits and pieces across time as skulls are developed, medications balanced, life changes take us in new directions, new people come into our lives .... the fact that you are not sleeping well will be contributing to the numbness and difficulty processing emotions.  Try to ensure you get some rest doing gentle things you like .... even just watching your Mum was a fo m of rest ..... and good on you, teaching her a new art skill and bringing some joy to her that way .... ❣️  That’s the self-giving you do that is part of what your forum friends ssee in you and appreciate so much.

Just keep swimming ..... 🐠💜

[outlander]

thanks @Faith-and-Hope

im wondering if the strong pain meds, infection and antibiotics are mixing in with the increased meds. im hoping not but might explain abit of it.

pops health is declining too so im stressed about that abit and not knowing where to turn atm

[Faith-and-Hope]

All of that will cause emotional numbing @outlander ..... be patient, and as self-nurturing as you can ..... it’s not selfish, it’s a counter-weight to everything else.