Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Carlachris]

I struggled with that line for years as MI can become selfishly disguised as other. I have now turned it into a firm boundary. If we reach that spot my hubby gets psych help. I am his everything and he mine but I cannot be his psychiatrist. That’s what they are trained for not me.

[Dunks]

Thanks @Carlachris 

There sure is a lot of judgement and also fear.  I find family are in denial because they are so scared by the behaviours and so just put their head in the sand.

[Former-Member]

@Carlachris 

You raise a great point that we are not our partners pdocs or therapists and we cannot make things right for them.

It is important to understand our role as part of our loved ones treatment and care team. I am grateful that Mr Darcy has given permission for me to be involved in his care.  Psych patients for many reasons are often poor historians and family collaboration is often necessary. Mr Darcy does not understand medical things and appreciates my help. 

As "things happened" during the course of Mr Darcy's care, I will look up information and ask questions before Mr D will fill any script on offer.

[Carlachris]

Totally agree. I get hate as well for marrying it into our family. I know it’s sheer ignorance on their part as they are military men where as my hubby is a very successful academic and holds several degrees of importance but they only see as they say “the mental stuff”. Hence we no longer have anything to do with my family. As we were never close it’s no big deal. Still hurts though. It’s hard to maintain friendships but have 3 close ones but they are people who also have loved ones who suffer. I personally have no time for ANYONE who cannot see past their selfish outdated ideas these days. We are very happy even with all the complications and ups and downs of MI. They are not. Finding the joy past MI is to me more true and real.

[Carlachris]

It’s such a learning curve. It took me a few years to understand boundaries shift and move as the spectrum does. Age 65 is much different from age 55 with MI. Hubby has mellowed but with his mother being a very angry nasty frail 90 yr old trigger who we now need to care for has created a whole new pattern. Including grief of the eventual. I can’t deal with that. It’s too big. She may go for years more twisted cruelty or not either way the professionals who train for years need to be available for him. He allows me to be mainly involved in his care but I don’t want to be in the sessions with him as I know enough to know I would not be able myself to deal with some of the cruelty he suffered since childhood. My beautiful man was hurt very very badly. Firstly by his own mother then society. Thank the powers that be we have moved forward from the care offered in the  70s and 80s.

[Former-Member]

I agree @Carlachris  I do not go into therapy sessions, never have and only go in at the end of pdoc appts.  

[Carlachris]

@Former-Member It’s hard finding the right balance for ourselves sometimes. I realized I was becoming ill myself and headed towards a collapse. We carry so much invisible stuff. I have a counselor for myself that I see once a year to look after me. But I haven’t told her about my hubby. It’s my own mothers naive neglect of me and my husbands mothers cruelty that build up in me I need to keep separate from hubby. I need to stand alone to deal with them as myself not in the shadows of his darkness. MI can overpower everything as we know and then we get lost in the gap between and left behind due to bigger things to face. 

[Dunks]

@Former-Member @Carlachris 

Great conversation happening.

There is so much invisible strain to push through.

I do go  to appointments with MrW as he thankfully realises that his perception  around his elevation are not always accurate and I am his kind of safety net.  I mostly sit  quietly while he talks and wait till the end to add anything.  He has unipolar mania so is constantly elevated

[Carlachris]

That must be exhausting @Dunks . My hubby is bipolar, Aspergers,Paranoia Disorder. Makes for a few interesting times. He cycles through all and we have identified his PTSD trigger is his mother. I understand him more than anyone and often wonder what he tells his psych at times thinking how offbeat some things can be but of course the jumble of everything is like a minefield at times. Tip toeing I have found just doesn’t work so we go BOOM from time to time. I’m not in anyway saying he is to blame totally for everything but living up to the expectations of multiples is an impossible corner to be backed into at times. Aspergers alone can drive a woman nuts. We do have some very funny things happen along the way.  ....lol.

i am currently trying to find a bit of me again above the din....not having much success but I love to paint and sketch. Making time for ourselves is a must. Not easy but a must still the same.

[Dunks]

@Carlachris 

Hi there and I can relate to all you say.

I try so hard to be patient and not react but we too have had a few blow oute..... I know I still have a lot to learn and it certainly does not help when I react but then I add am  human .

We seem to have lost our laughs at  the moment but I know we will get them back