Lived Experience Forum

[LostSoul18]

This is the first time, i am writing and talking about my feelings - especially inthis kind of platform... so please bear with me....

Its been a few years now that I experience this "aha moment" of realising that I have changed.

I have been married almost 10 years now with 2 children with my now husband and 1 from a previous relationship. I have always tried fixing my life --- maybe unconsciously wanting to prove everyone that I am better and I have done good But this constant proving gets a toll on me... I seem to have lost real self... I am unsure why - is it because of my marriage? my age? stress of life? stress of children? i am completely lost - and confused.

my husband and I have both strong personality - i can only count with my hands those times that we have talked about our arguement, it was always a screaming - hurtful words kind of fight. we are both very vocal witrh our anger --- but i came to the point where  I am just too tired to argue - i have talked to him several times that I really get hurt and I am having a hard time coping up and fogetting those words he have said - but he admittedly said - he was doing this to hurt me. he is a good father - a good husbnad and tries to give the family everything we need and more. but he has the tendencu to get mad with 101% of emotions and then 5 mins later everything seems fine again... and i ma not like this... i need time ... i admit i can be very angry and shouting is how i deal with my emotions but I never say words intently to hurt him... but he does... and after 10 years everything is still in me... and now i found a different person within me.  i guess he did notw ant me to change this way - and i guess he is oblivious with what have had ahppened to me.. i guess it is unfair to blame him for the change in myself... but i still have this voice in my head blaming him... i was once a happy person - well... one of my closest friend said i was not really happy - but I was in contriol of everything thats why I seemed to be happy - i guess - maybe she was right --- but i  honeslty do not know... i was once confident... but not anymore -- i question myself - my worth  - my importance - with my family - with my work - with my friends ( which is very few) so I tend to settle with what i have - even though this is something i am unhappy about --- i am living my life without that eagerness - without fun - that I would want to have ideally. i onlyhave my children... i try my best everyday - to love them... to protect them - although this is something i struggle with as well... i do not think i am giving them a good place - i am so scared that with my actions, my anger - with how i am living my life - they will get affected and will haunt them in their future... 

i have so many questions, living my life with fear - but living it as it comes... hoping i will be able to finish the day without arguing, awithout anger and without me remebering again my real feelings about myself and my life....  

i guess changing is not that bad - but if i have changed to a person i am unhappy about - and cannot seem to get out of this cycle... what else should i do - how can i do this --- my mind is running 1000kph with emotions and i cannot even find myself to fix my train of thoughts.... i am all over the place --- emotionally ---- drowning. 

[Amour_Et_Psyché]

Hi @LostSoul18 

First of all, a very warm welcome to the SANE Forums. We have an incredibly supportive community here, which I hope you come to experience! 

@LostSoul18 it sounds like you have had quite a profound realisation around the changes within you. Feeling this sense of disconnection from your real sense of self and an often coinciding sense of emptiness is really hard!  I can hear that you realise change isn't necessarily bad but the changes you identify within yourself are not one's that you are happy with. I can imagine if such changes conflict with the the type of parent, partner and person you want to be, this would make things even more challenging. 

From what you are saying, I am getting the sense that relationship issues are at the core of the struggles you are currently experiencing. Have you ever considered couple counselling for you and your partner around the way you both manage conflict and anger? Additionally, if you are concerned around the impact of such issues on your kids, you could also consider family therapy or parent-child attachment-based therapies. How do these sound to you?

If you are interested in accessing relationship support, you may wish to consult Relationships Australia (below): 

Relationships Australia
1300 364 277
www.relationships.org.au 
Relationships Australia provides relationship support services to enhance human and family relationships.  

However, if accessing individual support is the first priority for you, I warmly welcome you to call our SANE Help Centre and chat with one of our SANE Help Centre Counsellors to access emotional support and further explore your options.

Once again, I welcome you to the SANE Forums @LostSoul18! 

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[LostSoul18]

First of all, thank you for reading my post. I have thought about counseling and all sorts of things. but i think I really have to fix myself first and get at least some of my self confidence back. I have to learn how to start trusting myself then trusting my partner. I still think that if we go to counselling, i fear that he will not be honest enough about everything and will just make things worst as I know him that well. I feel bad that i feel this way - he is not a bad person - he tries but i guess we just have different point of views.. different ways to deal with things and at first i was able to "ride on" to this up and down but i dont know what happened... did i become too weak? too tired to even try? 

i guess its best to concentrate in making myself at least half of what i was before. 

[Maggie]

@LostSoul18  Just wondering how you are travelling?