Trying to transform a dysfunctional relationship

[noselftolose]

My wife and I have been together a long time. As long as I can remember she has loved intensely, and had equally intense rage. The shift can be so quick I have no idea what triggered it. I spent at least a decade trying to become someone who would not trigger her, which I realized a few years back was futile. When I started reading about BPD and covert narcissism everything started to make sense. 

She had a traumatic upbringing. Addiction, abuse, and uncertainty as to who her parents and siblings actually were among the family she grew up in. 

I spent years with one foot out the door, but terrified to leave. I left once and came back. 

Then one day things had become relatively stable. She wanted a baby. I had been unwilling for many years, sure that bringing a child into this dynamic would be abuse in itself. This time, I thought we could do it. She got pregnant. She miscarried. The night before she miscarried she went back to the worst of her old ways. 

Since, I have told her I will need to see radical change before I’m willing to try again. Ever since, sex has been a battleground. She cries when I finish in a way that will not result in pregnancy. She tries to negotiate whether we “make a baby” during foreplay or mid sex, rather than in a sit down discussion like I have asked. Just last night she was on top and went dead weight when I went to p*** out. This is totally out of left field. As I said we’ve been together a long time. She has always been in tune to my body language when I am ready to p*** out. I pushed her off of me in a panic. Not violently, but with the force required to move a person who does not want to move. She rolled off of me in a dramatic way. She acted dazed. 

Today she’s telling me she won’t tolerate physical aggression or intimidation. 

It’s confusing to say the least. 
I’m sure this is unclear but I could use a little support. 

Edit: I just asked her if she could put some seltzer in the fridge if she leaves just one or two. She said “yeah but then I’d really like you to refill any of the things I keep asking you to refill”

she doesn’t ask me to refill anything… that’s a one sided problem. Toilet paper, paper towels, etc. And her response reveals that she doesn’t forget or not notice, she’s punishing me for something she can’t put her finger on. 

like I said it’s confusing and there are a lot of layers. 

[Simpleme]

All the best buddy. Keep doing what u r doing, u have a big heart

[MatchaToad]

Hey @noselftolose 

It takes great courage to speak openly about these dynamics, and it is completely understandable that you are feeling confused and exhausted. What you are describing is incredibly complex, and your confusion is a very natural response to an environment where the rules and boundaries keep shifting 💚

Your realisation a few years ago that you can't alter your behaviour enough to prevent her volatility is a profound and accurate insight. When someone carries deep-seated trauma, their emotional triggers are internal. While it is compassionate of you to acknowledge her painful history of abuse and addiction, it is important to remember that understanding the root of the behaviour does not mean you have to accept the impact of it. You cannot fix or manage this trauma for her.

The shift in your intimate relationship is a concern. You set a clear, responsible boundary regarding the timeline of expanding your family, stating that you need to see sustainable change first. Attempting to negotiate pregnancy during intimacy, or using physical "dead weight" to hinder your ability to withdraw, represents a significant violation of your autonomy and consent. Your reaction of pushing her away in a moment of panic was a protective response to a crossed boundary; it was not an act of aggression. It is entirely valid that you felt unsafe in that moment.

Her accusation today that you were being physically aggressive is a highly confusing dynamic, and to me, it kind of sounds like DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offernder). By focusing entirely on your reaction rather than her actions that caused it, the narrative shifts. This effectively places you on the defensive and diverts attention away from the initial boundary violation. Recognising this pattern can help you hold onto your reality when you feel yourself beginning to doubt it.

You are currently dealing with a profound level of relational stress, particularly around a life-altering decision like having a child. Your instinct to pause and require radical change before moving forward is incredibly sound.

Please continue to trust your perception of these events. Because these dynamics can deeply erode your sense of clarity over time. I really recommend that you see a therapist or counsellor just for yourself. You deserve a dedicated, safe space to untangle and process everything, and decide what healthy boundaries look like for your future 💚

[nanzey]

Hi @noselftolose

I am sorry you are going through this. Loving someone with personality disorders is extremely difficult. Like someone else here I agree with the DARVO model, which is a manipulative tactic and it can really play a nasty trick on you, where you actually start believing that you are the bad guy.

Her rage sounds more like wrath, where she is willing to punish you for not giving her what she wants and this is dangerous. She is keeping you both stuck in a dysfunctional pattern with that intense love and then wrath when she doesn't get what she wants.

It's not an ideal situation to be in and I can understand that you love her, but eventually this situation will wear you down. Transforming your relationship can only happen when the manipulation stops. A narcissist will never accept accountability for their behaviour especially when they are wrong and your level of empathy does nothing more than feed her ego. Do you have a therapist? Family or a group of friends that can support you?

As an adult raised by a narcissistic mother and passive father, it may be best to leave and never go back. I saw what my mother did to my father, twisting his values to the point where he would act on whatever she wanted and, in the end, I was the child who paid the ultimate price, and damage like that is really hard to live with and harder to heal from.

Look up Toxic Empathy - where the level of empathy you give is so high, that it wears you down and changes who you are as a person. It messes up your values and the worst part your identity, who you really are and how you see yourself as a person.

I am so terribly sorry to hear that you are going through this.