14th year house bound

[hiddenite]

Hey Jacques I thought you must have gone for a rest, that is good.

The weather here cold mornings hot by afternoon and anything possible after that so you were plenty of layers. Wow you do get it got. I would miss rain if we didn't get any. I love hearing the sound of it on the roof, smells awesome too, especially in the Bush.

I understand for me it's the caffeinated drinks, they make the symptoms so much worse.

The dark thoughts are the worst I've ever experienced, that's sayin gsomething seeing I made an attempt earlier this year. They are so much stronger than me!!!

It's cloudy here now looks like we'll get some rain or a thunderstorm.

Take care Jacques

Karen

[Jacques]

I really miss the rain, when i lived in QLD it rained every afternoon, here it never rains, oh yes the smell, the sound, i love it too, being star sign Aquarious, i am a water person.

Yes i do have to try to reduce the amount, i know that, i really need to make an effort.

Karen, i know you are at a higher risk, but you know what the difference is between the start of the year and now?

Now you have me, you have a big support network with all the other folk on here and i will not allow you to harm yourself again, it may be strong, but you are stronger with support from me and others, it is much easier to fight when you have a support group in your corner.

i do hope you get some nice rain, i just looked at my weather app, seems like we have a storm comming too, fingers crossed!!!!!

[hiddenite]

Jacques your right you know the right thing to say when I'm at my lowest, I don't know how you do it. It scares me that I can even think such bad things. I appreciate everything you do to help me j.

My eldest daughter is an Aquarius.

Jacques have you been having problems with posting?

The words join together and part of words end up on the end of others, it's so frustrating. I don't know if it's the tablet or the forum. It's been happening for a couple of weeks.

Thanks for the support j.

How have you been going I worry about you sh so much I wish there was something I could do to help you.

[hiddenite]

Jacques do you know what an invalid HTML means when it comes up when I post?

[Jacques]

Yes Karen I am having problems posting too, the html error don't worry about, just click post again and it will go through. As with the words, I am getting it a lot too, I think it is the auto spell on the Android keyboards. It is frustrating I know but I have not figured out how to fix it.

[hiddenite]

Thanks for letting me know Jacques I thought I must have been doing something wrong.

If you work out how to fix it can you let me know please.

Boy I'm having lazy day just lying on my bed I'm so exhausted. The girls are happily playing so that's good too. I'm just waiting for mum to come in and say something.

Jacques I'm glad you're mum is aware that you are suicidal I didn't think you had told her.

She must worry about you. Can you talk to her when things are really bad?

I hope she understands....

[hiddenite]

Oh Jacques that is so awful but I do understand. Is there anything at all that helps you not to sh?

I've tried everything thats been suggested to me but I just cannot find a healthy way to feel things.

I can't even cry. I don't think I'll ever find a healthy way to deal with built up emotions. I'm so ashamed of sh and how often I have to.

Any suggestions I would be grateful for.

[Jacques]

I don't want mum to worry so I don't speak to her much about the thoughts, she gets really teary when I do talk about it.

I have been SH since 12, so more than half my life, It is such a hard thing to break, it is like a compulsion to me.

Karen I do hope one day you can break the SH cycle, it is not good for you.

I have never been able to cry, and have never found a suitable replacement for SH

[Jacques]

Oh Karen, I am so glad you know you have support, I am always with you.

Oh hey another Aquarius, yes I gave always been a water person, right from when I can remember.

The SH is not as bad today, I was so sick, as for my other forms of SH well hmm mm. Not good.

Karen, i think you suggested to me the rubber band thing, you put it around your wrist and when you get the urge to SH you snap it, if it was not you who suggested it, it might be worth a try.

[hiddenite]

It's a shame that you haven't found anything helpful Jacques. I've realised that the more you sh the more you have to do it to get the same effect. It's such a vicious cycle.

I'm sorry if it upsets you talking about it, I was just wondering if anything helped.

It's only natural that your mum would become upset, she cares deeply for you and I'm sure she is doing her best to understand. I could never talk about my suicidal thoughts.

Talk to you later j