Fragile

[Appleblossom]

Played the organ this morning but then somehow the digital stopped working so I had to switch to the out of tune acoustic. Apparently its done it before. Never mind. I soldier on.

Made a traditional almond Dutch Easter ring. Some for my half Asian nephew. Seems it has taken 30 years for some of the flack to settle after his father, my brother's death. Hoping there is some New Life for my son and him. Next generation. 

@Dimity @Dreamy @tyme @Zoe7 

[Dimity]

Happy Easter @Appleblossom .

I'd forgotten Dutch Easter rings. We'd be given one by Dutch friends

I trust your nephew is OK. 

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @Dimity in a way he was more protected from consequences of my brother’s death, than my son. Just the way culture and life unfolded. He lived with his mother in my grandparents bungalow for 8 years til his mother brought her own house..

anyway, I hope this weekend goes well. Another nephew is staying 2 nights.

Feeling vulnerable. Was worried I should move on from my psychiatrist of 8 years, but we had a good enough, deep enough, real enough session yesterday. Maybe our family complexity is just too much for people to get their head around in short clinical sessions. Maybe it takes long term knowing me, to understand and not jump to false conclusions.

He wasn’t pressuring me into unwise court case. My psychologist was suggesting court was right, then he was being unnecessarily critical of both my biological children.

Psychiatrist was being more rational, stoic and realistic.

The psychologist who was justifying the courts and not comprehending how traumatic it would be for everyone,  for me to fight for grandmothers rights. The only winners would be the legal hip pockets. I generally avoid conflict, but would stand up, instigate or block the other party if I thought we had a chance and it would not be seriously acrimonious. The psychologist only knew me for 15 months. To be honest I am not impressed by some professional people’s projections. He thought my son was a trouble maker cos his son was. He was Not comprehending the difference and the level of trauma and work and discipline in my family.

@tyme @Jynx @rav3n 

[Jynx]

Ach that is so hard @Appleblossom 

It takes just 30 seconds for someone to verbally 'throw you under the bus' but can take aaaages to undo that damage... cos you kinda gotta 'prove' yourself hey. It's rough. 

Sounds like you are only ever putting kindness and care out there tho, just hope they don't take too much advantage of ya!

[Appleblossom]

@Jynx thanks 

I am far from perfect, probably pretty damaged goods, but I do try. Been told off for being a 'try hard' more than once. So then we try... Lol... To be more relaxed. Some people will never be satisfied and I have to learn... To let it go... When that is happening.

[Dimity]

Hugs @Appleblossom . It's good your nephews reconnected with their father's family. Hopefully your grandson will too. 

Nobody knows all the trouble you've seen, as Satchmo put it. Perhaps it's good your psychiatrist and psychologist have different takes on the situation,  you can assess and apply your own judgement. 

I've been cut off from most of my nieces and nephews, and been threatened with legal action by different family on a couple of pretexts, but that was years ago and it didn't eventuate. Very different to access rights as a grandparent but deeply hurtful. The failures of respect and trust in needing to call for external adjudication can be scarring. Remaining open to the possibility of reconciliation might be all we can do.

[Appleblossom]

Yes @Dimity I usually say that I will never lock the door, but sometimes I do need to close it. Otherwise my mind and heart keep weeping and worrying and hoping and being disappointed. So I am grieving but even though I dipped into a very low mood, I am still here, doing my thing. Sorry you know these dilemmas as well. It seems a lot of extended families have these dramas. My Nanna had 28 grandkids. As I lived with her for a while when I was 10 maybe I stayed stuck in childish hope. However her reality was HARD. Her 9 kids, mum and my aunties and uncles had heaps of falling outs. Not much to do with me. I guess compared to dad, who had nobody, there were heaps of rellies, but none really for me. They mostly looked down on us, as the ones who had been in welfare. Whisper whisper.

No easy lives for most people.

Thanks for witnessing my sharing. It makes a difference. Grow up Apple. It is what it is.

[Dimity]

Occasional retreat to rest and heal before taking up the cudgels again is so important @Appleblossom .

Yes there were fallings out in earlier generations of my family too @Appleblossom . But in hindsight some are explicable... a probable illegitimacy so being raised by grandparents, an acquired brain injury and behavioural changes prior to disowning another forebear. And legendary sibling quarrels with regroupings after family funerals.

I'm glad you find solace in music, garden and cooking. I've been adrift too long, maybe I've lost the capacity to self-sooth.

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Dimity @Appleblossom ,

It reminds us of not only our vulnerabilities but what we do to push through.

This thread is much appreciated. It gives readers great hope as your strength shines through.

[Appleblossom]

Thanks very much @tyme 

I looked back at the earlier part of the thread and enjoyed my pictures and all the comments of people… from 8 years ago! Many of those people are still here online and friendly to me. It’s utterly amazing. 

My older nephew has just gone out for a walk with my son. They were doing music and fixing food and having a good weekend. It has taken a long long long long time for some of that generation to reconnect after serious tragedy, disability and a destructive blended family member messed a lot of things up for her younger half/ siblings and cousins. A long time. Decades to see the harm she inflicted on our family, despite my daily labour for her for 16 years. I can only pray. I have always been open and hospitable. So needing to be careful to whom I am open with and yes. Not to let myself be used again.

Grateful for the long term camaraderie, sharing and friendship.

@Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope  @Sophia1 @Owlunar @Owlunar2 @outlander @Dimity  @@Jacques