I have been here before

[dazedanais]

I am unsure if anyone will recognise my username but I am not too unfamiliar with these forums. Out of the blue - I kinda just disappeared for a while and I cannot explain why but I am back again because I am struggling and I can remember just how supportive this community was. 

Things haven't been well... I've been in and out of hospital more times then I would want to count and have been very close to death. I have been struggling just recently with a breakup (common, yet hurtful) and then just lashed into over eating and harming myself in ways that I wont share but which haven't been good at all... I was underweight in December due to not eating and now I am back to a normal weight but feel hideous due to the copious amounts of junk I have been consuming.

I am just sick to the brim of myself and everything. Recently I impulsively got a tattoo when dissociated and my family are really against it. I am still hiding it and depressed about it. I dont want to bore everyone and write too much 😞

[outlander]

hi @dazedanais

i do remember you and im sorry to hear of everything is happening for you 😞
i also read abit on another post about what you had to face.
can i ask if youve still got your supports in place?

[dazedanais]

Hi @outlander it is so good to see a familiar "face". I have been kinda mucked around support wise. I was with a particular service and then my worker went abruptly on long service leave and the service thought it would be smart to just discharge me from the service due to that. As he wouldn't have been coming back until March (I got discharged around July last year). I am now with a private psychiatrist but due to the simple fact of money - I VERY rarely see her. So, I wouldn't say I have many supports at all. How are you going?

[outlander]

that is really tough @dazedanais

i totally get the finances side of things however your gp can give you a refferral which will reduce that gap fee. i would also suggest asking about a psychologist to help you process what you went and continue to go through....
Do you think you could contact that particular service and ask about coming back as you need the support?

[dazedanais]

They were going to discharge me in March anyways due to capping off at a certain age. My GP also costs money - so it really isn't a win-win situation. I could go to a bulk billing GP I suppose. My psychiatrist suggested a psychologist but she suggested "Attachment Therapy" and I can see absolute no logic in it from my research and it seems to be mostly directed towards children so I felt a little bit offended. I feel as though talked has never really helped me. I know some of the things I have been through are some that people may only ever witness in a horror movie but I have tried to talk through my traumas before and nothing really comes from those conversations. I seem to find that I cope better if I just push everything away to the back of my mind and attempt to block it out... although I can't but it's better then people always trying to focus on it even more if that makes sense? @outlander 

[outlander]

yes that makes sense @dazedanais
it is the reason i question going to therapy myself but the new therapy might be worth a go even though its directed at kids.
capping off at a certain age? so usually that happens at 25 for 'young people' is that whats happened for you?

sometimes therapy isnt about talking about your trauma unless you want to of course but it can aslo be about whatever you want to talk about like relationship issues, self harm and those things and focus on that rather than your trauma.

[dazedanais]

Well, the service I was with was called AMYOS and they cap off around 19-20 years old as it is an adolescent and child service (they go alongside CYMHS) @outlander 

I suppose I should be a bit more open minded but I guess I am a very closed off person, sadly. I was involuntarily in hospital only 2 weeks ago and even then I dodged all follow up services as I often feel like simply a bother and talked them into making me voluntary in which I discharged myself against advice ASAP. (but it was the same hospital in which I almost died by attempted murder so I didn't exactly like the memories of being there)

There are a lot of things that are related back to trauma! I don't know why I am so hesitant to allow people really into my life and my mind.

[dazedanais]

@outlanderI swear I replied to this message already, was it received? I cannot see my reply on the forum 🙂

[outlander]

ah yep you did @dazedanais and i have a feeling that perhaps it mightve been too triggerring for here or possibly broke a guideline? check in with your emails as when a post is removed they usually email you...

[dazedanais]

I haven't gotten an email thus far. Maybe because I specified the cut off age for the service? Do they have policies about revealing your age? @outlander