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04 Mar 2017 01:22 PM - edited 04 Mar 2017 01:32 PM
04 Mar 2017 01:22 PM - edited 04 Mar 2017 01:32 PM
@Former-Member I empathise with you. I was emotionally and psychologically raped. I gave my trust too. I don't give trust easily and although my instincts told me things were wrong I tried to overlook and help. At the time I had no idea what I was dealing with.
That was a huge mistake. I learnt the hardway it is sometimes better to do right by yourself than to try to help a broken winged bird. Because sometimes that broken wing is merely a ploy to elicit sympathy a ruse to trigger and unmask vulnerability.
Predators know this well. I think it is the fact we give trust to the wrong people that haunts us most. How do we forgive ourselves. Once we can do that, I think the rest follows. Not immediately, but in stages as we work through the rest in the same forgiving manner. I know it was not my "fault" but that doesn't stop my anger at myself. I have learnt a whole new meaning to "forgive yourself" in this process.
I don't think I will ever forgive him, but I can forgive him for being what he is. The delineation may be subtle but for me, at least at this point, it is a crucial one.
04 Mar 2017 02:22 PM
04 Mar 2017 02:22 PM
04 Mar 2017 02:23 PM - edited 04 Mar 2017 02:42 PM
04 Mar 2017 02:23 PM - edited 04 Mar 2017 02:42 PM
Oh @Former-Member, i hesitate to open threads with titles such as this for fear it will trigger my own ptsd, but today I'm strong enough. Thank you for trusting us with your heart and sharing this all consuming trauma in detail. It was hard for me to read so I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to write, let alone go through at the time and over and over again since, with even the slightest triggers and flashbacks.
How dare he do that to you!!! And please don't beat yourself up about not thinking straight enough to not shower etc. Your gut instinct is true - the courts would have crucified you letting this 'old friend' in the door most likely ( I admire women, people who take them on) but in your case, you were in severe shock & probably concussed. I've done it myself, shower first chance, because I felt so dirty and dazed and thought it was 'my fault' for being silly enough to get in the car with a stranger.
Also, I understand the fear of dying in the middle of it, of cause we do - here they are brutalising our being, and we're trapped - surely they're gonna finish the job. But no, they are not there to be merciful, only to take what their body needs and throw the scraps away. Ba#£%£#s!!! Arrrr!!!
Its such a life threatening and degrading, dehumanising experience (sometimes I wish he finished me), its no wonder we still struggle decades later.
Not sure what else to say to help really - i think i understand a bit though and in that sense you are not alone. You probably know about ptsd treatments, mindfulness and self compassion...
This does not define the precious souls we are, but it has altered us, which we carry forever, hopefully a little lighter with every new skill.
Be gentle with yourself Sherry, you've been through a lot.
Big hug! Tawnz xox
04 Mar 2017 02:46 PM
04 Mar 2017 02:46 PM
Ohhh @Former-Member my friend xx
Sending you tender hugs
We are here for you my friend
Hello @Former-Member, I did the same when I first joined , which I found was helpful , we are here for you
Hello @Former-Member, @Jek, @Faith-and-Hope
04 Mar 2017 02:48 PM
04 Mar 2017 02:48 PM
Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for just expressing so openly. I feel as though I still struggle to verbalise openly in a forum like this probably because I don't wish to contribute to triggering unnecessarily. I guess it depends where we're at in our treatment. I suffer wuth complex PTSD and it has been a gruelling road. I am in a much better place now thanks to so many gifts I have discovered but I've been struggling a bit with some deeper insecurities and in approaching deeper grief. I suffered sexual abuse from 4 pedophiles, horrendous physical, mental, emotional neglect, the killing of my pets, survived a house fire, was struck by a speeding bus, as well as the long term consequences of abusive relationships, self harm, addiction and so on. I am one of the lucky ones. With extraordinary work, a kind therapist over 8 years, a developing spiritual belief system and bucket loads of tears and pain, I have crossed a threshold and feel that I am over the worst. I still find change a struggle, but was told yesterday that frustration is something to welcome for it leads to deeper change. This is the short version, but I feel like identifying and sharing some of my story today. Its a part of our healing, I guess. But I am NOT my trauma. Now I reimagine myself in those moments as being a strong, lovable little boy. Now I compose beautiful music to nurture and heal myself and others. PTSD changes our brain structure and nervous systems. Look up "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel vander Kolk. Thanks for listening.
04 Mar 2017 02:52 PM
04 Mar 2017 02:52 PM
04 Mar 2017 03:01 PM
04 Mar 2017 03:01 PM
I hope you don't mind, Faith and Hope, but I'd just love to say your username is so inspiring and comforting. Thank you for tnis beautiful sentiment to Sherry. If you don't mind, I'll hold onto that thought, too!!! Glad I joined SANE today. Take gentle care!!!
04 Mar 2017 03:02 PM
04 Mar 2017 03:02 PM
@Jek " PTSD changes our brain structure and nervous systems."
Absolutely. We have a whole different neurology to live with and unravel. It is a gruelling task that requires enormous strength to get through.
04 Mar 2017 03:22 PM - edited 04 Mar 2017 03:25 PM
04 Mar 2017 03:22 PM - edited 04 Mar 2017 03:25 PM
@Former-Member @Jek @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Former-Member
Thank you all so very much. Its really important to be understood and still accepted, despite knowing the worst. You have all done that for me, and I am feeling really overwhelmed with emotion right now.
I also thank you for opening up about your own experiences here as well, as I know how difficult that is. Perhaps in some small way, I have helped some of you, by opening the door to expressing your own pain. I really hope that I havent caused anybody further harm or triggered anybody in this process.
As I mentioned, I am feeling totally spent right now - emotionally and physically. Which seems kind of silly. Perhaps thats all part of revealing so much of myself? I need to compose myself now, some calming deep breaths to try to get the heartbeat and breathing back under control.
Again I thank you, and will respond to your posts in more detail when I feel more able to make some sense.
04 Mar 2017 03:22 PM
04 Mar 2017 03:22 PM
@Former-Member @Former-Member @Jek @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51
I have read all the posts here for the last few days and can only extend my heartfelt sorrow and compassion to all those who have experienced such trauma and pain I empathise and can relate with the 'experiences' and will come back to reply at another time more fully - unable to at present - too close to home and not in the right headspace! But I believe it is important that I do find some distance here and then revisit the 'subject' when I am better able to.
Just wanted to let you know @Former-Member @Former-Member @Jek that I have listened, I hear you, I am walking with you if needed, and I admire the strength and courage that you have shown to share your stories xxx
Zoe
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