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@Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member
You're a funny pair arent you? Thanks for helping to make me smile. You're both gems!
Now, if I can get myself into pirate mode, or pirate speak:
Arrhhg mee lovelies - Ahh be much better today thanks - arrgghhh.
I dont have much of an assortment of emojies though. I only have my PC, not a smart phone, which I think is where you get all those little emoji thingys.
Best I can do is:
- A big thanks to you all for being there, and well, just fore being who you are. Hugs. xx
Tuesday I went to the gym for my Yoga/Pilates class. I think I'm doing ok to push myself each week. Still can't handle the meditation at the end though. This time the instructor announced before the meditation phase that if anyone would like to leave before the meditation that they should do so now. She looked directly at me at the back of the room. I guess she had spotted me down there blubbering last time. )-: I left.
Wednesday I visited the Nursing Home where I do my weekly volunteer work of visiting a lonely old lady and helping out with the mornings activities with the old folk. I didn't stay long though as I wasn't feeling up to it.
My former boss contacted me on Wednesday and said they'd found a replacement for me at work, and asked if I could come in next week to give her a handover. At this stage it will be next Thursday. One piece of good news, and one less thing to worry about.
Yesterday was my psych apt. She explained why tears (an emotional release) are often a result of meditation. For some, massage does the same thing apparently. Given that I can't relax during a massage, I suspect that's not the case for me. I find them very stressful. She says crying is a good thing though, and I should try to stay for the meditation phase of my yoga class next time, but just take a box of tissues with me. Huh, yeah sure!
She also explained that some awful thoughts I have been having lately, highly distressing gruesome images, are actually what are commonly called "intrusive thoughts". I do suffer from mild OCD at the best of times, but it's true that it becomes much more of an issue for me during times of high anxiety around anniversary time for example. It is a coping mechanism for the mind. Anyway she suggests that I shouldn't try to fight them, but that I should try to add on something nice or happy when they occur. In trying to fight them, they just become more obsessive and persistent.
Overall I think it was a pretty good session. She thinks I should go a bit easy on the forums for a while however. She acknowledges that the support I get here is great and likely to be of benefit. But that right this moment, while I remain very easily triggered, it may not be the best thing for me. So I just need to be careful not to go anywhere I dont need to just yet. Subsequently @Zoe7 I still havent got to your new thread.
My psych said that whenever feel I need a little bit of extra support to call her, and I have another appointment in a month's time. She wanted it sooner, but I will be away for a week towards the end of this month. I will be visiting my brother who has a court hearing coming up to do with the fatal accident he was involved in. Likely a very stressful time for him, but also for me.
I also got an email last night from Sane Forum manager that they have taken my post from the weekend off the Forums as of last night. Apparently I have overstepped the mark with some of my descriptions about what happened to me 21 years ago. I will look to tone it down at some stage to make it fit into the guidelines. Meanwhile my apologies to those I may have hurt in the process of getting this off my own chest.
I am feeling really low and triggered right now, so I may not be around much today. I really wonder why we put ourselves through the process of psych visits sometimes. After all, we do have a choice dont we. So really, why do we do it?
Anyway thanks everyone for your support over the past week, I truly appreciate it. And hopefully I will be feeling up to coming back and joining you all again soon.
@Former-Member @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Former-Member @NikNik @Jek @Former-Member
WOW @Former-Member It has been such a big week for you. Do what you have to do too look after yourself.
I fully understand your reaction to your psych visit - I have stopped mine for a while so I can actually have some space from exactly those kind of sessions (and the aftermath) that you experience. Sometimes the need to just 'BE' is greater than the need to resolve!! Right now - I just want to 'be'.
I would go so far as to suggest to you that you don't even go near my other post - self-protection is essential. One day - in the future - when you feel like you sre in s better place - you may go there but it is not something you should do right now. I am not offended - infact quite the opposite - I see great resilience and self-care in you to avoid anything triggering to look after yourself - inspiring 
If you just want some light-hearted contact - come and join us on Am Not Coping thread - it has become a place of gathering and safety - and a lot of laughs and frivolous banter - rather than what the title suggests. We call it the 'Octagonal Room' now - maybe we should change the name!!!! There are little corners everywhere that people can just sit, listen, join in if they want, be with others or ride along with us. No pressure at all - but the offer is there for you.
Thinking of you and hoping that your day has more light in it today
Zoe
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