Living with PTSD

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope.

I explained in detail my thoughts about having to rewrite my story in my earlier reply, so I wont go into that again.

I do want to say thankyou for all the support you have provided me since I joined here some time ago, and where I have been a sporadic contributor.  You have been the constant, you and @Shaz51.  You are both wonderful and probably dont even realise how much of a difference you both make to peoples lives.

I leave early on Wednesday morning, and may not be on the forums very much between now and then. But I will try to check in again as I can.

Thanks heaps for your continued support.

Sherry xx  

[Shaz51]

Will be thinking of you my friend @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

I just read your story now and just want to offer a warm hug 🤗 💕🌹

You have experienced much abuse and pain and am pleased you found the courage to share it - yes I can relate. Having experienced the same in the past, also much loss and grief (but not through a fatal car crash) and lived through an abusive childhood. Everyone is different and I did not find your story triggering at all - even if the worst parts were not taken out it would not have triggered me. As it makes me feel not so alone in my own traumas. What I do find triggering is when releasing such repressed pain that it is taken offence to. And somehow being reprimanded for sharing adds insult to injury leaving the one who shared worse off feeling that their pain is invalidated and inrelevant. If that is triggering for others imagine how the sufferer is feeling and the weight of what they are carrying within?

I think people need to express that somewhere untouched as we can't always do that in real life. And it does need to come out for healing. Not all can do this safely face to face in real life - being anonymous is safer and people need to feel they can do this on such forums or what is the point?. Being repressed everywhere is a potential suicide trigger. A trigger warning is enough for me to know that if I am feeling vulnerable and not up to reading such that I can scroll past it. 

I did repress everything for years and suffered severe PTSD. This lead to a breakdown that made me realise that I needed to talk about it. That's when the healing begun - once I bought it from the subconscious to the concious mind and released it.

This is so painful for many and why so many "don't talk about their pain and trauma". These people who repress their pain and trauma are at most risk of suicide and is why loved ones of most suicide victims are in shock "because they did not know anything was wrong and could not understand why their loved ones did it". Because they never spoke of it and put on a smile. Dangerous. Its so important for people to feel they can talk without judgement/being cencorsed. Or they will continue to be at risk by repressing.

I can't add much more to the wonderful advice and support you received here to what helps with my. PTSD. Only to say that once I let it out I left it there. Left the past behind never to look back at it as that just feed my PTSD giving the past trauma power over my present life. So once I spoke about it I let it go and began to look forward with a more positive vision refusing to let the past abuse win by giving it a place in my thoughts. I instead started making goals for the future and took steps to fulfill it. It was very difficult at first, and at times can still be. But I push through putting the welfare of others as a motivating priority. It really helps.

I did have the help of my husband though which strengthened me to do this. I also, like yourself, dedicated myself to helping others through volunteer work and this also helped enormously. After some years I have nurtured very meaningful relationships with both my co-workers and those I helped. And this in itself has helped me to move forward.

But when under stress the nightmares can come back which is terribly distressing. The best I can do here is try not to ponder on them and keep myself distracted through the day. I always feel better at the end of it for doing so, but then the cycle can repeat. I just have to keep pushing through hoping they will get better in time (have been constant now for about 4 years). I try not to let them influence my life direction and what I try to achieve during the day. This sheer will power and determination helps me move forward also.

My husband is also a Vietnam Vet being 10 yrs older than me. His current health issues (cancer for one) was caused through the chemical DDT being doused on him whilst fighting in the jungle. He suffers PTSD as well. What these Vets went through to sum it up in one word was "hell". And regardless what anyone saids to me I firmly believe war to be nothing but "evil" (not the soldiers whom were just doing their duty), but the effects of it on all whom are effected. Those who order them to do it (governments, dictators, terrorists etc) to me are the ones responsible for the harm. He suffered PTSD, anger issues but we have worked through this and he is my rock.

I just like to say that I can relate and that I do care. And that I believe you to be a strong, intelligent, caring and amazing person. I wish and pray that better times are ahead for you in the future. Keep fighting and don't give up on your dreams ❤

[Former-Member]

Wow, thankyou so much @Former-Member.  I so admire what you have managed to do.  I wish I was a strong as you obviously are.  And its so nice that you understand the issue of posts needing to be rewritten.  We do seem to have a fair amount in common.  I also contribute to the Carers forum where I discuss my husbands issues, and I cant recall how much I have said on 'this side', other than that he also suffers from PTSD related to his vietnam war service.  He also had kidney cancer and had a kidney removed several year ago, and has CKD now.  Plus a number of other health issues, such as migraine associated vertigo, alcoholism, etc.  So its not easy.  Unfortunately he isnt supportive of my issues, so I cover mine up as much as I possibly can.  He just gets really impatient and angry at me  when I am not able to hide it, like severe body shakes when I am triggered.  Its kind of difficult to disguise. But I know he is basically a good man, but with a lot of problems. You're right, war is an attrocity I wish we could avoid. You are so lucky though that your hubby is your rock.

When I am feeling very low and vulnerable I seem to be triggered by just about anything.  All the usual expected things, along with seemingly everything else as well.  Just cant pick it at those times.  I suppose at those times I just need to hide under a doona and notcome out again for a while.  I went through a really difficult time around 6-8 months ago where I was experiencing a lot of SI.  And it really scared me!  It isnt something I had felt before.  I saw my psych every week for some time, and that seemed to help with those thoughts somewhat.  Thankfully I havent been that bad again in the past several months.  And I really hope I dont again.

I think you are correct in that getting things out in the open is better for you in the long run, rather than bottling it up and keeping it a secret from everyone.  That is very hard to maintain, I did it for 18 years before finally telling my psych in a moment of sheer weakness.  But I have found that writing about what happened and allowing my psych to see what I wrote has been very therapeutic. This was at her instigation, and was in an attempt to do exposure therapy when I couldnt get the words out.  

I am so glad for you that talking about your trauma has allowed healing to take place.  I can say that it is the case for me as well, to some extent anyway.  Still much healing to be done though.  As no doubt there is for you. Even though I know there will still be tough times, I am hopeful that I am now better equipped to cope with that than I have been in the past.  I have learned quite a bit from my Exposure Therapy, CBT and EMDR.

Thankyou for your kind words, your obvious understanding, and for taking the time and care to respond as you have.  The warm hug you offered is also gratefully accepted.  

Thanks also to @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member for your messages.  Shaz, did I read somewhere that you are near the big Cyclone in QLD?  I had in mind you were WA, but obviously that was wrong.  I hope and pray that you and yours remain safe.

Its now almost midnight, and I need sleep.  Off to bed for me.  Goodnight all.

Thanks to all of you.

Sherry xx   

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[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member 

Yes , I am in far north queensland , looks like we are on the edge of the cyclone which is going to come tomorrow morning

I have been thinking of Holly today -- is she knowing something is happening soon

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51.  Even though you may well only be on the edge of the cyclone, I expect that still means you are likely to get an immense amount of rain.  And with cyclones being somewhat unpredictable you just never really know until it hits.  Yes tomorrow morning will be a time of great difficult for many.  I hope and pray that everyone, affected residents and SES personnel etc, remain safe.  I will definitely be thinking of you all up there.  You may well have power and telecommunications outages, but I look forward to hearing from you after the worst has gone through.

Oh how sweet of you thinking of my little Holly.  Yes you'r right, she is a very perceptive little girl.  She definitely knows we are going away, as is well aware of bags being packed.  She has the sulks as a result ... very sad it is. Bags being packed usually indicates that she will be left behind with a lady who looks after her for me when we both go away. No doubt she is expecting that to happen again.  

After I drop hubby off to the airport at 5.45am tomorrow I will probably come home and try for a bit of missed sleep.  But later in the day I will take Holly for a good long walk.  Usually Tuesday is my gym day, but I will not go tomorrow so as not to risk injury.  I dont want to be too stiff and sore for my long drive, and I will be enough so without pushing it at the gym.  But a nice long walk will do both Holly and myself some good.  I feel a little guilty about not going to the gym, but there are legitimate reasons.

Take care.

Sherry 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member .... I wanted to thank you for including the war trauma mention for your husband's situation ..... I know you would have anyway as part of your journey ..... but I think that crosses over mine at that point there ......

I know both of WH's parents suffered war trauma ..... and like there was no real support for my grandmother who struggled with an mi, I think my in-laws may well have struggled for life with PTSD without ever really realising it or being able to seek treatment and support for it ..... but they also harbour suspicion regarding doctors and psychologists in particular, and it is likely they would never have been able to push past that anyway.

What I think they have done is visited their trauma onto their sons, and what we are experiencing now is the fall-out for WH trying to be the son who could make up for their traumatic earlier life and losses ..... and the need to be the perfect son ..... and the one to rescue the family financially from poverty and being them to wealth as was their dream ....
all of that .....

The parallel experience here in Australia is returned soldiers ..... but the fighting of wars overseas has kept the children here from suffering the sort of trauma my in-laws did as children. Your acknowledgement of your husband in this way (and I think it was @Former-Member too ?) reminds me how grateful I am of that much ..... and supports my hope that this trauma can be stopped now, here with us, and not roll forward into another generation.

I know it will be hard visiting with your family .... beyond hard ...., but we will be waiting with open arms for you when you return next week.

Hugs n hugs ...... ❤️💕🐠

[Former-Member]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

Sorry to read of your in-laws experience with war trauma and the effects on your husband. Those effected by war does have a roll on effect through the generations - veterans and their families (and residential victims of war) have the highest risk of suicide per capita. 

My husband is a Vietnam Vet whom has a regonised condition of PTSD, prostate cancer, systemic heart disease and partial deafness in his right ear (bomb, gun shoot traumatic etc) - all caused by serving front line in that war. And it's effects ripple down throughout the family but we are now adjusting well. And hubby is an advocate for other veterans and their families.

My uncle was a fighter pilot whom was shot down and killed in the 2nd world war accidentally by the Americans (thinking they were the enemy). This near destroyed my grandparents - my grandmother slipped into a severe depression and neglected my mother, whom then in turn neglected and abused me. I know exactly what you are talking about when it comes to war and it's adverse effects on veterans, victims and their families.

Its sounds like undue pressure was put on your poor husband. I have been told in the past by people whom have treated those with eating disorders that the main cause is severe anxiety - anxiety they feel no control over and endure 24/7 "without relief". That is terrible suffering for anyone to carry - and the sufferers feel they have no control over anything in their lives. Its not just body image but linked to low self esteem and severe anxiety, feelings also of not being worthy. Always falling short. Do you feel that could be how your husband struggles?

@Former-Member - I am so glad you found a good psychiatrist to talk to when you were experiencing SI a while back. It is a very dark place and frightening. I remember feeling so alone and lost in it. Talking it through can make all the difference as it did for you with the psych. Please keep talking to us as we will always be here for you.

I am strong now my friend, but not stronger than you. Remember I have a rock beside me and we are stronger together than apart. You are virtually doing it alone - you are amazing. Never forget that. Sending lots of love 💕

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope

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[Faith-and-Hope]

That's lovely @Former-Member ..... ❤️💕

@Former-Member ..... I think there is a whole lot of that sort of thing buried in my hubby in a place where it really hurts ..... and it's going to take professional care to sort him out, but that doesn't happen with an e.d. in the way until there is a diagnosis .... and while he is in denial, that is not possible without a health crisis severe enough to unmask the problem ..... a very hard place to be .... and meanwhile we are carrying it all forward to the best of our ability as if there is nothing wrong, because it affords us the best potential outcome if we can manage to maintain it.

I have to keep an eye on the kids because I am not prepared to compromise their mental health in order to try to save WH's .....