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lookfar
Casual Contributor

Living with Parent

Hi, I am a 35 year old man and live with my parent. She has been previously diagnosed with C-PTSD, BPD, Bipolar 2 and has been hospitalised a number of times. I previously suffered from depression in my youth and was hospitalised on 3 occasions in my early 20s for being highly suicidal and psychotic. I recovered satisfactorily and completed 2 degrees, I am currently pursuing a career transition to professional work in order to support my mother more effectively as she gets older. I have had a life of sadness and haven't always been treated with respect. I have a very busy life with many tasks always being added to my list. I work in a shop and my home life is similar to my work life, with intense emotions and many demands. As a result I have very little pleasure or rest in my life and I feel a yearning for those things, and especially for sustained peace and quiet. I work 2 jobs, one of which is volunteer, I work every day and do not have a day off. I have been finding it more difficult to take care of myself as I am constantly busy and the pressure is always high. I feel like a freak among people I know and many of my thoughts are about running away somewhere beautiful where I could live very reclusively. Although I am supposedly in the strongest years of my adulthood I am ready to retire from the world, but there are many more years left ahead, and I'm not sure how to face it all. I have been smoking and drinking too much and I'm out of shape, I'm so worn down I don't know how to get back on track. I think this is just the last really difficult time in my life before I get into secure employment that I can tolerate, and after that things will be much easier, but right now I'm struggling, feeling exhausted. 

9 REPLIES 9

Re: Living with Parent

Hello @lookfar, welcome to the Forums. It sounds like you have had a lot of challenging times and things are particularly difficult at the moment. It’s great that you have completed two courses and are working on a career change that should make things a little more manageable for you. It sounds like you are keeping your goal in sight, despite things being really hard right now.

 

It sounds like there’s a lot on your plate right now. Is there anything that you could do to reduce the load? Sometimes there is nothing we can do, in which case it can help to focus on how we manage it and the support around us. Do you have some good support around you at the moment?

 

Being a carer can be exhausting and you are not alone in fantasising about a more peaceful life. The forums are a great place to chat with others who can relate to your situation. You might like to check out some of our social spaces: you can drink a virtual hot chocolate with other carers, chat about your day or share a joke.

 

And please keep sharing your journey. There is always someone here to listen. Smiley Happy

Re: Living with Parent

I have a 3 years younger brother, he has secure and well salaried professional employment. He has not been very engaged since moving out about 4 or 5 years ago and has visited about 2 or 3 times a year although he just lives half an hour away and regularly drives past our area. He told me he doesn't want to visit but I think he has forgotten he said that now and would get angry and deny it if I reminded him. But he has recently had a life change that seems to have had a positive impact on his general attitude and has started to act a bit more engaged. He told me that I can come over and stay at his apartment on the weekend and he can come and stay with Mum. So I can have a weekend of doing all the stuff normal people do without getting interrupted to do work (eg. watching tv, reading a book) while he can do some chores around the house. So if this will sometimes be possible in future then that will make my life a lot easier. I'm so excited about having a weekend in my own company! I hope I'll be able to wind down and enjoy it properly, I've been having trouble relaxing.

Re: Living with Parent

I struggle a lot feeling envious and angry about comparing the way my life has been to the way that the lives of others around me have been. It's never been important to me to have a little nuclear family or anything but it's more about how many problems and obligations I've been faced with taking responsibility for that just weren't caused by me. In order to get out of hospital I had to summon tremendous dreams to motivate myself. But then I felt for a long time that my dreams were getting continuously more compressed by all the events of my life, smaller and more humble. Then a few years ago I felt that my dreams had been destroyed by all the events and I couldn't have any dreams anymore, it was heartbreaking. It has been pretty difficult since then. And I have felt so resentful of people around me like friends and relatives who have so much freedom by comparison to me. They can't imagine what I would be capable of with that kind of freedom just to essentially follow my own ends. Lately I've recognised what a problem my resentment is and I've been trying to find my way out of it. Maybe it will resolve itself when there is more wriggle room financially.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Living with Parent

Hi @lookfar

 

Carer grief happens when the life we had planned is taken from us due to the care we give to our loved ones as a result of their diagnosis.  I will tag you in an article about this. 

 

"Living grief" can happen when we have ongoing losses in our carer role.

 

Have you a therapist yourself who could help you work through your feelings of grief and resentment?  This article may or may not be of help to you.

 

https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/caregiver.com/api/amp/articles/releasing-resentment/

 

I will tag you in a self care thread too.

 

Darcy

Re: Living with Parent

I struggle a lot feeling envious and angry about comparing the way my life has been to the way that the lives of others around me have been. It's never been important to me to have a little nuclear family or anything but it's more about how many problems and obligations I've been faced with taking responsibility for that just weren't caused by me. In order to get out of hospital I had to summon tremendous dreams to motivate myself. But then I felt for a long time that my dreams were getting continuously more compressed by all the events of my life, smaller and more humble. Then a few years ago I felt that my dreams had been destroyed by all the events and I couldn't have any dreams anymore, it was heartbreaking. It has been pretty difficult since then. And I have felt so resentful of people around me like friends and relatives who have so much freedom by comparison to me. They can't imagine what I would be capable of with that kind of freedom just to essentially follow my own ends. Lately I've recognised what a problem my resentment is and I've been trying to find my way out of it. Maybe it will resolve itself when there is more wriggle room financially.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Living with Parent

@lookfar

Life is a series of challenges  I think we look at others and often think they have it so much easier but I have found that no one is exempt from pain and heartache. 

 

I commend you for mustering up the motivation to do what was needed to get out of hospital.  

 

As carers we often need help ourselves to help us find a way through the feelings we are having and/or to get practical assistance. 

 

If you would like some links I can give you some - just need to know what state you are in.

 

 

Re: Living with Parent

Sorry for the duplicate post. I am OK! Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful links, I will read and think further over coming days. It helps to have some new ideas, things can get a bit circular in the mind.

Re: Living with Parent

I once had a psychiatrist tell me that my illness was "severe". Another time more recently a psychologist described my life story as "extreme". So I think it's natural that there are times when I have difficulty relating to others. I've given up trying to explain my life to people because I already know they won't understand, it's easier to just not talk about it. 

Re: Living with Parent

@lookafar
hell your doing a lot wish my son had as much go in him as you have. Please try to care for yourself even if you take 1 day out to do something special for yourself go see a movie or go for a nice long walk along the beach eat some fish /chips feed the gulls lol. Try to be kind to yourself much deserve
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