rough time

[outlander]

things just got too much and was better than what i had going through my head at the time @Sans911 just getting pushed over the edge too many times i think sis. 

[outlander]

also can see your pic now, Jaspers not so little anymore is he. hes still very cute though

[Sans911]

I am really sorry to hear that you feel pushed over the edge @outlander. I know you have been super struggling for such a long time now, and I honestly wonder when it might start to be better for you.

I am still advising you though to please consider trying to find a peer support worker. Maybe your GP can help. You desperately need more support, and the right support. This person meets with you regularly to check in on you, support and guide you.

I have just been approved for a mental heath support person that I meet week for the next year or 2. I firmly believe you should get all the support you can get. This mental illness is a tough gig.

Can I help you tonight at all, in any way?

PS-glad you like the pic. Yes, Jasper is still under 5months, but he eats like a horse and gulps his food down. I don't know if you recognise I was typing a post on this here laptop at the time.He loves watching the computer. Both he and other pusscat at at the end of the bed asleep

[outlander]

im trying to explain but having troubles because i dont want anyone to worry and im really sick of my so called family. i hate talking bad about them but i hardly have anything good to say. i keep getting thoughts that if i dont destroy me then they might . today was expecations, disrespect, being talked at and rubbed in how great my sisters are then pop goes and does his attention thing and my aunty comes barging in and get me to do things for pop.  @Sans911

i asked about some extra help not to long ago but the 'fakeness' i was talking about come out and i seemed fine to gp and my nurse as well. my psych doesnt give a shit but all well- she can join the hater club too i suppose.  'see how you go' is what i get told. 

im not really sure what would help... atm i think keeping safe is high up the list even though my brains switched to who gives a shite- your not going to last anyway. but im not really sure what will help.  i dont know what to do anymore. its been getting too close to before. . i thought i was past this, i had hoped i was past this. 

edited- needed to get rid of details 

[outlander]

oh and congrats on your mh worker too, hopefully he/she is a good one who actually validates you as well @Sans911 

and yep i did notice you were posting at the time, i remember that post as well from what i can read on a small screen- you said he was jumping over the keyboard 

hes big for 5 months! and i like little (or not so little) jasper, he is rather cute 

[outlander]

I dont want to put this on you though @Sans911

[Sans911]

I will worry about you lil Sis anytime, and I can listen to what is going on for you hundreds of times without being bored, impatient or whatever. It doesn't bother me. I am here for you for the long term; even if I am 'recovered'. You will always be my forum lil Sis, and who knows what the future holds for this forum.

You remind me a lot about myself at your age or younger. My mother consantly put me down, and I truly believed that I wouldn't possibly be alive past 21. My first SA was at 16, another major one at 17. I felt ugly, useless, hopeless, a burden, a pox on society.

I realise you are in a difficult situation, but I really hope one day that you leave your environement behind, as it seems so toxic to you. That might mean cutting on some family members for some time or for good. I am so sorry they can't see the lovely things I see, and the great potential you have. And I haven't even met you?

I can't understand how others can't see how unwell you are, and for me, as a friend and health professional, I am very dissapointed. Because 'looks' can be very deceiving, and they should use their tools of assesment more to dig deeper and find the real you.

No wonder you feel like the world is against you. That's a terrible feeling, isn't it?

Please keep talking to me on here. I will always attempt to respond as soon as possible. Please try to keep yourself safe, because you matter to far more other people than you realise.

[outlander]

I worry about you too and will be here for you too sis, you are one of the rare one I actually trust. You are more than just my forum sis, you are my offline sis too even though your not actually with me. If only I knew you offline too.

I know youve had a shite of a time in well a lot of your life, I hate that so many people suffer. It doesnt seem right or fair. I also noticed you used past tense in that paragraph which to me seems like you are improving mentally in that aspect too. When I read the things your doing and the changes your making it makes me a proud lil sis indeed.

My psych that I had in the past noticed a habit and thats no matter how hard or upset I get my subconscious tells me to keep smiling and this psych said the same thing. I can be balling my eyes out and still be smiling even if its fake. It doesnt seem to matter what I say anyway, ive used the services avalaible to me and iv exhausted all other options so ive been told numerous times. They are in the middle of adjusting my mood stabilisers to see if that helps but honestly dont care atm.

I look fine so I must be fine. My last session when I asked for more help, I didnt pick it up till the other day was that my character had changed to my 'normal' self. Is that a danger sign??

and yes it feels terrible, right now if I didnt have here I would be worse off and would be feeling more alone than I already do.

Atm I feel my time here on earth has expired, that im waiting for something to happen and its horrible. I would rather be living and out and doing things like my studies and my artworks but I dont even want to do those atm.

@Sans911 

[outlander]

Im logging off in a few min @Sans911 thank you for chatting with me. Its helped settle things for now. 💕
I hope your able to get some sleep tonight too and tomorrow is ok for you ❤

[Sans911]

It makes me sad, mad and helpless at the position you are in lil Sis @outlander

It sure sounds like you have had so much invalidation by so many that 'faking' is almost normal for you that perhaps you don't even realise you are doing it by your actions and words. It is almost like a robot that you know how to 'look' and a programmed way of saying what is effective for people NOT to be concerned about you. Yes, this is dangerous sis, because if you don;t start being honest and transparent it will hinder your recovery.

I am similar to you in many ways. My GP said to me a while ago that she had no idea about how serious my mental illness was as I aways looked like I held everything together. It was only when I opened up and was more honest about myself that the cracks appeared.

Your time here hasn't expired, and I understand how hard it is to see, but there is so much more for you in your life yet. And your passions and interests will come back in time too.

@outlanderit is well past my bedtime, and I have not even taken my night meds. Are you going to be ok if I log off soon?