".....Im having a sensation of craving something. On a daily basis. Practically 24 7 actually. And i think its my subconscious mind trying to give me messages....."
Thats exactly what i meant
@eudemonism. Check this out
👇an experience shared by a friend. i hope it will inspire you since i dont know how to put it in simple words...
"I want to share a bit of my story maybe a brother or sister may benefit. Since I was a young boy I always hated myself. I always was frightened by groups. My downfall was at age 11 when my mom was killed. My dad was always working hard for us so I didn't have adult companionship for advice. Throughout my teens I realized something was wrong inside me. Why was I feeling such pain literally. I joined a gang which I remained in for 13 years. Anyone here familiar with the USA I was in the ghettos of New Jersey, Newark, Irvington, etc. I was hooked on drugs and alcohol the entire time. I have physically hurt so many people and shaytan just kept saying look at all your pain, don't care about them. I always drank and got so high I couldn't move to silence the images of the faces of the people I hurt. Murders we're common in the neighborhoods I lived in. I would just stare at their bodies and think, man they just met the angel of death, and feel NOTHING. I was homeless so many times. Sleeping in the parks, abandoned houses, just anywhere for shelter, drinks, weed, drugs..just name it......I loved it all and indulged deep in hopes I passed away, but it never worked. I was so addicted once I was so high I stayed awake for almost a week straight. I reached below rock bottom. I had such anger, hatred, and sadness I felt as if I had no surroundings, stuck in a state of being so sad it was hard to move. I was 137 pounds from 215 and was sick. I made the choice to leave the gang and the hard drugs alone. This was 3 years ago. I still feel so sad I think of mutilating my face and body everyday. I get so depressed my body literally aches. I get so sad I get stuck in trances. Why? I left all that bad to change. I made constant tawbah.plenty of good deeds. Why do I still suffer? I digged deep and read hadeeth and ayat one after another. When one is in pain they get bad deeds erased and gain good. They are shown God loves them. They fight against their urges for the sake of God to remain strong. Devils always says God hates you look what he puts you through. I listen at times. I get so sad it is hard to move. Yet our Lord and ONLY savior makes me squirm inside because I know the most high wants me to be patient so I can meet Him and enter His paradise ameen. I am not proud of what I shared. Just want others to know there are people like me who are consumed with the thought of harming themselves,yet are even more consumed with how great the reward is for being patient for all the pain and mental strain. Brother's and sisters hold on. And know you are all warriors against the devil and his army..."
