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18 Jul 2018 12:51 AM
18 Jul 2018 12:51 AM
Maybe you need lots more okay days @Teej, and the tendency to beat yourself up (punish yourself) might wear off ?
Just a thought .....
With tonnes of love attached .....
18 Jul 2018 12:54 AM
18 Jul 2018 12:54 AM
Maybe @Faith-and-Hope. I painted today and it was fun. I went to a little gallery which was lovely and I felt human for most of the day until it was just brain and me then kaboom 😳😖
18 Jul 2018 12:58 AM
18 Jul 2018 12:58 AM
Oh @Teej
Absolutely yes! I'm a master at self sabotage. I think to myself, possibly unconsciously that I don't deserve to feel good so I'll just wreck that thought/feeling right away.
But @Teej you are a master of the being the toughest on yourself. You really have to try to give yourself a break sometimes. Do you really think you'd self destruct in public if you had a good time? I don't think you would.
There's a part of you that somewhere along the way someone told you or made you feel like having a good time was a bad thing. Inside you is a little girl who's sad and hurt. You need to take that little girl in your lap, give her a hug, and say to her that you're sorry that someone got mad at her when she was having fun. You need to tell her that no matter what, she is loved and cherished. That going out and having fun or a good day is okay.
18 Jul 2018 01:02 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:02 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:05 AM - edited 18 Jul 2018 01:06 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:05 AM - edited 18 Jul 2018 01:06 AM
Thanks @Sans911, @Faith-and-Hope. I guess it will take a while until I don’t overanalyse every interaction I have for the day. I needed this so badly I don’t want to self destruct. It’s absolutely a fabulous program and gorgeous people, I couldn’t have asked for better. Just need a new brain so I hold it together :face_with_rolling_eyes:
18 Jul 2018 01:10 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:10 AM
And a PS @Faith-and-Hope, @Sans911 it wasn’t childhood. I think I know what it is but don’t know how to change it. It was what happened nearly 7 years ago that made my whole life a lie and that I can’t trust myself or my emotions, that I’ll get it wrong, that I won’t see the bad when I think things are good etc etc
18 Jul 2018 01:11 AM - edited 18 Jul 2018 01:13 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:11 AM - edited 18 Jul 2018 01:13 AM
I'm so glad it's a great program with people you feel safe and comfortable around. That's a huge plus. Try to just let go of the should haves, could haves and all the other expectations and just go with it. Soak up each wonderful moment and savour how good it feels without thinking it over too much after.
And I'm also the master @Teej
of talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I still have much to unlearn and relearn, and reframe. It's a slow progress, but awareness is the first step on the yellow brick road.
18 Jul 2018 01:17 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:17 AM
It sucks @Sans911 that we see it for others but it’s soooooooooo hard to change in ourselves. I know I have some stuff from childhood too but I think that much of this is related to what happened with my ex. I’d known him since I was 12, thus my adulthood has been reframed in a way I struggle to cope with. What is real? I don’t know anymore.
18 Jul 2018 01:34 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:34 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:35 AM
18 Jul 2018 01:35 AM
I hear you @Teej
I really hear you, 💜💙💜💙
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