Walking on the road to recovery ........ 🤔

[Teej]

Not much feeling like talking about it @Faith-and-Hope. I had a crash day today it am ok. There is so much in my brain just now but it’s still quite muddled up.  I think it’s best left muddled for a bit. Just basically the core of my existence has had a shake up, probably ultimately for the best but there are still lots and lots of tears, and lots of moments of self hate and lots of insecurities and fear for the future but I’m still here. I was fortunate to get some good support today which helped.

I’m questioning what recovery is and what is is I’m recovering from too. It feels hypocritical on days like today to say I’m recovering when it feels like I’m free falling. 

I only got a glimpse of your stuff. Is there a thread I can read? Or you can share wherever you want to.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Think I’m Chop-Suey at the moment @Teej ..... leaving to go east in a couple of weeks but don’t want to ..... all my supports are here and I have to start again over there .....doctors, counsellors, friends, everything, and without my D1 who is a brick.

Then it seems the more of our stuff that gets handed over into the hands of counsellors the more our family seems to be dissipating, after everything I had done to try to hold it together ..... but that might just be part of the deconstruct-reconstruct aspect of therapy that feels awful at the moment but better later on .... hopefully .... not guarantees .... clear as mud.

I have tears welling up with no real understanding of why.  Maybe aftershocks.  Been running on adrenaline for so long and now we have relative calm, don’t have to be so hypervigilant, so the pain is moving up now ?  Dunno.

Just keepin’ on swimmin’ and trying to take things as they come.  

🐠

[Teej]

I think you are probably right with being tearful now that the new year has started with all it is going to bring @Faith-and-Hope. I can’t imagine how hard it is after every appointment not knowing what the fall out will be. Is the plan for you to find the same therapists for each situation like you currently have? 

Its not fair that at this most turbulent time you will be more isolated than ever before. I know how much D1 is supportive and helpful for you too so I feel you with that. Hopefully you’ll be able to skype lots.

I’m imagining the unknown is just as scary as anything right now knowing things have been pulled apart but not knowing how it gets put back together. I’m so frustrated for you that the timing is so bad for the move as well. I am crossing fingers for you that you are able to find some good support early on in the move.   

My s1 told me today of his future plans as soon as he’s finished uni, they are to live and work in Europe while he is young and to return to Australia when they are ready for a family. I know I’ll struggle a bit with that too although I want him to have all these experiences as well. 

Im so so sorry things are so hard just now. I’m sending lots of comforting hugs to you. 💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks so much @Teej ..... my mind knows there will likely be some lovely surprises along the way ..... unexpected joys ...... but I am sad in this moment.

Yes, a duplicate medical team ..... and yes, scary.

Big girl pants yanked up to my armpits next week, but this week ..... not.  This week I am just drifting and teary and letting it be so.

[Teej]

Lol. I think I recently lost my big girl pants @Faith-and-Hope 😱. I’ve been doing the tears too. I’ve been very much in child mode and hurting lots. I have a tricky week this week then I’ll just have to see what happens next for me. I have lots of things in the air at the moment and I’m not sure how they will all land.....another Centrelink drama being one. 

Take good care of you and I hope those tears of yours flow and help release for you a bit until you are back in the hot seat. 💜🤗

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @Teej .... 💜🌷

You might have to go and visit S1 in Europe next year ..... 😏

All the best with the coming week .... may your toast land butter side up ..... ❣️

[Teej]

When I began this thread I was doing better and thought I was finally starting to take the steps I needed towards recovery. This week has been so very hard and distressing for me. There has been lots of work into staying alive when a huge part of me wanted it to end. I seem to be not recognisable as the person who joined this forum nearly two years ago. Last night I found some old posts as I was posting in distress and cried even more at that person who was kind and considerate but seems to have been eaten up. 

I’m hurting so much and am so lost and struggling to find remnants of me instead of the self absorbed monster I’ve become. I really don’t like this version of me but I’m struggling to find someone different. I know it would help to be in hospital so much now but it’s not an option as they’ve closed the ward I would go for help. It’s  so hard feeling completely useless whilst my kids are watching over my every move in case I sh (possibility of long term effects or worse). They know I’m on the edge. For now I just don’t want to be awake. Being awake keeps the self hate going.  

I’m so sorry for the self absorbed rave but I needed to let it out. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Teej ..... what you are reading as self-absorbed, I am reading as self-care.

You are reaching out and telling it like it is, and that is so important.  It sounds like you have encountered a giant emotional storm, and you are looking at ways to cope ..... and recognising boundaries and closed options as a part of that process ..... for that I want to say well done so gently as to not spook you .... but register it with you to try to intercept the black and white thinking that is likely driving this from behind there somewhere.

Can you list three things that are in order - not necessarily here on the page, but to yourself.

Are people still being fed ?

Is the dog being fed (doesn’t need to be you doing the feeding)?

Are bills being paid so water and electricity don’t get turned off ?

These are baselines, and they are achievements.

Is some sleep happening ?

Is some washing of self happening ?

Is the baseline clean up of the house being done (dishes, washing, spills mopped up)?

These are the second-round baselines, and they too are achievements ..... you don’t have to be the one carrying them out - the fact that they are being carried out is attributable to you having set them as baselines in the past that are r cognizable by your kids as necessary.

I am glad your kids are watching over you .... it’s a testament to how you have raised them as decent young people.

Does your mh team know where things are at with you @Teej  ?

Can you access hospital somewhere else within the vicinity ?

Hugs n hugs n love more than you can know ..... 💜💜💜

[Former-Member]

I'm so sorry to hear what a tough time you're having at the moment @Teej 

The road to recovery is not a straight one unfortunately, it's full of potholes, twists, turns, declines and inclines. 

You've been in this place before. You can get through it again. Hold onto that knowledge (not a belief- true knowledge and fact!!!) that you have come through this before and therefore, you can again.

I'm here today for a few hours so you just yell out if you need. It's not selfish- it's what the forums are here for!

[Former-Member]

Beautiful words @Faith-and-Hope xx