Writing As A Form Of Therapy

[Former-Member]

@Silenus

Lovely to see you back and read your writings

You probably dont remember me we crossed paths on here novemberish last year

I found that I connected with your thinking and enjoyed reading your thoughts

apologies for crashing onto your thread and responding to others, not yourself....very rude of me...although in the process of practising not putting myself down.....I replied spontaneously to two replies on your thread....apologies..just in case??

as before your writing helps others

thank you

[Silenus]

Thank you @Former-Member. Don't ever feel that you are intruding on "my" thread. I'm a bit of a closet Commie - this thread is for everyone to share... hugs to you.

[Silenus]

So I was driving down to my dad's yesterday for another week's work...

I got a call from his neighbour that she had to call the ambo because he couldn't breathe and was in a lot of pain.

They took him to hospital. His condition worsened. They transferred him to another hospital. He called me about an hour ago, in tears, pleading with me to not let them k.ill him. After what happened to mum in hospital in 2014, I can understand his feelings. I am gutted.

I am going to the hospital tomorrow morning first thing, to try and sort it out. Worst case, I will take him home to honour his wishes, even if that means he will die...

I have few words, except for the poem that is to follow...

[Silenus]

The Dark Pit Beckons

No light through yonder window breaks,
Reality is here; I'm all out of fakes;
The dark consumes, there's nothing left,
Except for me, the perfect theft;
All that was good has been downed,
Silently stolen without a sound;
I scream out loud but there's nothing to hear,
Falling forever, my fate beyond fear;
Lost beyond any hope of return,
Hell knows not how much I burn;
Dante wrote a very good tale,
And the flight of Icarus will always fail;
I've been here before, the dark pit beckons,
The arc of my fall, I'm back for seconds;
No one can know these depths of despair,
Unless of course they've been there;
To this marrow-deep sadness I succumb,
There's deeper depths for me to plumb;
Experience should teach me that I will survive,
The coldest of comfort as I continue to dive;
Deeper, deeper, into the pit,
Being bottomless, the fall doesn't quit;
All this talk of fire and burning,
Yet frozen I fall, continually turning;
Beyond despair, there is no hope,
No way of dealing, not a chance to cope;
Falling forever, without feeling,
Lost without hope of ever healing;
My silent scream follows me down,
This empty feeling my only gown;
Eternally lost and by darkness eaten,
All of my fight has been beaten;
For how can you fight nothing at all,
And how can you stop this forsaken fall?

[Former-Member]

@Silenus

Hard times when our parents lose strength, hope

would have been awful receiving such a call ...even harder for you father to experience that...his memory triggered

take it easy driving there if you are doing the journey on your own

take care

[Appleblossom]

@Silenus 

Sorry about your father.

I hope by the time you get back online something decent for him has been sorted.

Nahhh not a closet commie the mask gives you away.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Silenus

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad and what he is going through right now - and what you are going through and what both of you went through with your Mum a few years ago

It is really hard when the time comes for those we love have to move on - for ourselves is seems as if our parents have always been there and no - alas - they cannot always be here - really hard - I know - both of my parents have passed and with Dad it was fairly easy - he was always a dignified man - a man of faith - but my mother - no - this was hard

I am so glad you have reached out to the Forum Family - I will be thinking of you

Dec

[Vanessa5]

Hi @Silenus,

....Yes we are "merely on the edge of existence". I like your mindset. 

I too use writing to express both frustrations as well as to record happy thoughts to revisit when I am feeling bad. I read philosophy etc and think about how I can maybe apply that thought to make sense of the chaos i feel around me and to put some of those ideas in philosophy into my own words to revisit later as a form of mindfulness. It takes my mind off of negative things as its impossible to have an anxiety attack when you REALLY focus on something intently. Can be a challenge as my concentration is not super due to my medication but it works for a while anyway.

Its great to hear that you have found something that you can use as a tool of therapy that works for you. You say you have written many poems and this has helped you combat your depression and bipolar. You should share them or post some. I'd certainly be interested in reading some of them.

I agree avoiding self-deprecation, self-hatred, is the aim. Trying to feel more positively about oneself is important. Although this is an everyday battle or combat with one's own mind.

I have a diary also. I collect writings, poems, sayings that are positive. I put my own thoughts in it and draw sketches etc. Its nice to revisit it when I'm having a bad day with my MI. The words are like signposts of my progress, yes. i also find that by reading more and collecting knowledge I feel more positive about my MI journey...I have a keen interest in symbols, collecting them and finding out what they all mean. I then put them in sketches or paintings.

Yes our writing can reveal a lot about our selves, our states of mind, and our moods...so can our art. The beauty I find in writing or visual art forms is that you can one thing and people can take from it and interpret it from 1000 other viewpoints. 

Art...is also one of my favourite forms of therapy and expression.

[Vanessa5]

@Silenus,

Just read back through the forum a bit. Sorry @Silenus. Forget I asked you to post some. I see you have posted a lot of your work. Nice to read. I like "Untitled" that you posted on 8 August 2017 and 'The Dark Pit Beckons' as well. You are very talented.

I relate to "Untitled" very well. It kind of reminds me how i struggle to feel anything. You describe the feeling of not feeling. Feeling disassociated is described very well in a short verse. It describes how one can feel disassociated from everything so you can't really be serious or have fun, happy or sad, and constantly wanting to run from your insanity but there is nowhere to run as you cannot really run from your own mind. How we feel disconnected through the our insanity. At least we have the forum though. Whenever you feel like you are falling, you can chat with us remember.

Thanks for sharing the common thread and for sharing your gift. 

Untitled

Oh how I've wanted to drop it all and run
Too foolish to be straight, too serious to be fun;
This stain on my brain driving me insane,
This dart in my heart tearing me apart;
Anhedonia and dissociation come to take me away,
I know not what I do, I care not what I say.

Great writing. Keep it up.

[Vanessa5]

Untitled

Oh how I've wanted to drop it all and run
Too foolish to be straight, too serious to be fun;
This stain on my brain driving me insane,
This dart in my heart tearing me apart;
Anhedonia and dissociation come to take me away,
I know not what I do, I care not what I say.

Great writing. Keep it up.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Silenus, I just discovered your sad news here, and your call from a descending mood. I have faced the void more times than once too, and have lost a parent. Know we are here listening, in brighter times and dark. Even when words fail us in response. Thank you for starting this brilliant discussion thread and for continuing to visit your friends here. Hugs, Maz