You know @Faith-and-Hope @Decadian @eth @Mazarita
Sometimes I feel that i don't deserve all the love and support you guys give. But i am so appreciative of all the support i am getting right now.
I have just come back from hospital doing the outpatient program. This morning we had pet therapy where there were 2 dogs a labrador and a maltese terrier. I had just arrived and was very nervous and not in a good frame of mind. I sat down, said hello and gave the dog a pat. But then all of a sudden a huge amount of anxiety came over me, the tears started so I walked away. I couldn't show them I was so upset. I walked away and one of the patients there came over and said oh you need a hug and she gave me a hug.
The next program was the hardest ever. It's called emotion regulation with coloured balls. Red ball is for anger; blue is for sad; green for guilt, yellow for anxiety and last ball purple is for happiness or gratitude. We went around in a circle with whatever colour ball we chose and it could be more than one ball.
It was my turn and I chose all of them - yellow I was anxious for being there, i could feel it in my stomach and felt like i needed to run away. Rated the anxiety as a 9/10.
Then I chose blue ball - i said to the group that i am sad that i don't have a close relationship with my mum; sad for me that i have a mental illness; green guilty ball - I said that i feel guilty for taking this week off work with so much stuff to do and letting people down.
I couldn't stop crying when i was talking about the blue ball. All these tears just pouring out.
Then we had lunch and the patients were nice to me, we were chattng for a while.
Afternoon group was - thinking right. A lot of the time our thoughts are not rational. It's over the top. So to keep it real we had to think of a thought and simplify it, keep it realistic.
Then we had relaxation group, we lay on a yoga mat with a blanket and did 15 min deep breathing and then relaxation music and tensing our muscles starting from top of body,.
It was nice to see the psychologist who runs the group today, she is lovely and was happy to see me.
I left feeling okay, but the thought of revenge to my mum is still in the back of my mind.
I just feel a bit lost, not with it this afternoon.
i so need a strong stiff drink. tomorrow i will ring my psych who i saw yesterday and let him know how i am going.
i guess going there today, i realised how many people have a mental illness and are struggling.
