@ENKELI @heartathome @MindfulMango @Realness @AuntGlow @Appleblossom
Bit of a set back yesterday. My TMS treating doctor rang me yesterday that i would have to go on mood stabilisers for at least three months because my labels included bi polar. Issue the mood stabilisers i have tried and put me rock bottom permanently. Already tried them all. Some for years. Medicare demands this without possibility of special cases.
The treatment cost is close to 7000 dollars privately he offered for half price and even just $1500 dollars to try 12 or so sessions and see if it works before spending more.
1500 dollars is a lot of money to layout, when our costs have already gone through the roof counselling and the new oil. My wife wants me to try anyhow. However i'm scared that if it does not work the disappointment will be a massive trigger the downs that follow for a bit after hope has been raised again and monies and effort, have been spend for nothing. Especially having to come in Town every day, when a trip has me ill afterwards for more than two weeks before i know.
Luckily i got more oil in late yesterday so at least i can stabilise and wont have to rely on calming meds for this part of my mood swings.
i have decided to go on with the treatment seeing i can get it half price if it does work. And even 10 percent improvement would be welcome lately. The downs have been crushing, although i'm cycling rapidly so at least i do not have to stay down there for more than 2-3 days max, more often 1-2 days instead, and i can still medicate the voices away. This has been helpful considering.
i have been learning a lot of things with regards The Word and finding connection with Jesus during my worst states myself. This has been wonderful despite the hardships connected to those times.
Blessings.
A poem about the progress Jesus has been making in my more extreme states.
The Long Return
I wandered the long shadows of my night,
where fear disguised darkness as my light.
Down , rejected, doomed, condemned within,
I fought the lies defining me so i could not win.
The voices came with cruellest disguise,
and dressed old wounds as sacred cries.
They swore all hope had reached its end,
yet wore the face of a trusted friend.
I fought the dark, I feared deadly breath,
and often walked the road leading to death.
Darkest thoughts promising peace and rest
leading me ever further from being blessed.
For darkest storms blinded me to clearly see
My Lord's patient hand keeping hold of me.
Through every state and shattered part,
He still guarded my deeply wounded heart.
Then slowly through the passing years,
Buried under the sorrow, rage, and fears,
Jesus gathered me so sore and torn,
and held the person I thought forlorn.
Far from perfect now, nor free from pain,
for clouds still gather and storms remain.
Yet true self hood has come back to stay,
coldest darkness may no longer rule my day.
Jesus found the self I knew but could not find,
and truth found life within my depressed mind.
My identity no longer hidden, lost, undone,
seeing myself gently following the rising sun.
And now when I look through all the years,
through countless prayers and countless tears,
one truth remains through all I've known:
He kept my life—
He brought me home.
