Can't stop thinking self-harm/suicide.

[Atalanta]

How do you stop thinking about these? For the last couple of months but especially the last three weeks, I have been a danger to myself. Either I am thinking about suiciding or I am actually self-harming as compensation for not suiciding or out of frustration and self-hate. I've had a couple of days here and there where it's not too bad and one day where I actually felt like I was recovering, good, but the rest have been a nightmare. I'm exhausted. I'm always on the edge, like it's one argument or bad event which will end me. It's like being dragged by a strong current into suicide. What can I do? How do you make it stop?

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Atalanta,

I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling at the moment. When I'm struggling with intense waves of suicidal ideation, I have a rule that I will lie on my bed or on the floor until the wave passes. I draw on the idea taught in DBT that thinking about suicide is totally fine. The thoughts can't hurt you - they are just thoughts. Trying to fight them doesn't make them go away any quicker, it just adds more big feelings to the big feeling that I am already struggling with. Thus, rather than feeling I need to fight against the thoughts, I will lie in my bed and let the thoughts flow through my brain without trying to fight them. Sometimes it takes a LONG TIME for them to pass, but they always do. Then, after they pass, I get up and keep on keeping on until the next wave hits.

Regarding self-harm, I personally don't have an issue with the fact that I sometimes SH so it isn't something I feel I need to resist doing. However, I know other people who are distressed by the fact that they SH find it useful to find alternative ways to experience intense sensations. Holding icecubes is one that a lot of people find helpful.

I totally hear what you are saying about feeling like you're being dragged by a strong current into suicide. I have certainly felt like that at times (and most likely will again). However, the objective reality is that suicide is ultimately a conscious decision. The thoughts of suicide and the urges to act on those thoughts might not be in our control, but the actual act is a choice. I like thinking about that when I'm super struggling. I am alive today because I CHOOSE to be. At any time, I am totally free to choose to end my life, but for today I choose to keep on keeping on. I super hope that you will likewise choose to keep on keeping on. I have no idea whether your tomorrow will be better than your today, but I do know that you have to be alive in order to find out.

[Atalanta]

This is good advice. Thanks. So far, the only thing that seems to help is studying. It breaks the thinking of suicide up but when I stop studying, after a few hours I am back to wanting it.

The scariest part for me is being with my family. Things aren't good at home. Someone says something crappy to me and that's when I feel those waves. I have no way of escaping my situation and I know if I died that the situation would change and get better. I know they love me and would be very upset but eventually they will be better off. It would force a much needed change which is not happening cause I am carrying everything and everyone. My death would free everyone. So when someone puts pressure on me, or is nasty, just a comment, I'm mentally at the park doing what needs to be done to fix the situation. Then I have to spend hours undoing it. Last week, I put stuff in my bag. I wanted to take it back out but I'm 'not allowed to'...what if something happens and I need them.

Sorry...rambling on a bit...probably not making sense. I like the ice-cube idea. That would help me to replace the self-harm that I do now. God, I wish I could just get past this and feel ok again.

[Appleblossom]

Your death would not free up your family. @Atalanta

Though I have said that to myself.

My battles with SI were extreme for about 12 years.  Constant. Yes I too used study to cram stuff into my brain so that those thoughts were not.

I hope as you post more and others respond, there will be some relief.

Just a pic I find calming:

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Atalanta,

Sometimes ending things can seem like the only solution. I get that the pain is so strong, and you just want it to end.  And when think you're a burden, it's understandable that you believe that people would be better off. But please know that these are just thoughts.  They probably do not reflect what other people, like your families and friends, think and feel about you. As @Phoenix_Rising, this will pass. These feeling won't last forever. 

 I can honestly say, from my own experience, that families and friends are not better off. It's a very permanent decision that has lasting effects for people that are close to you. 

Do you have support like a psychologist or psychiatrist that you can contact? 

It's great that you're looking for ways to manage your thoughts of sucide and self-harm. There's this thread that you might find useful.

If things get too much, it's really important that you contact crisis support: 

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Chat

Suicide Call Back: 1300 659 467 or Online Counselling

[Atalanta]

@Appleblossom. Nice sentiment but it really would free them up if I and my mum died. If I died, the house would lose a pension, they would not be able to keep the house which would force mum to sell which she is refusing to do right now. This would mean a brand new house, with money left over for my niece and nephew to start their businesses and life and all debts paid off. Right now, we are struggling with bare necessities, the house is falling apart and mum is refusing to sell out of fear of change. She's 82 so it's hard to debate with her. So I do everything to make the situation better but it's just never enough...there's only so much I can do.

My death is logical. If I thought that I could succeed in life, then I would fight more but I am a failure most times. So while the sentiment is there that they will miss me, etc, in five years after my death, they will be living a much better life.

[Appleblossom]

I tend to value being logical @Atalanta far more than sentiment .. as @PeppiPatty and others would attest.

Logic can be applied in different ways.

It seems there is a stalemate and your family dynamic in lockdown.  I dont know a viable way to shift the balance, you might be able to find a way.  SO there is a challenge not slushy gush, which I deplore.

I have learned that I cant argue people out of a decision bring about the end of their lives, but I do know that no-one can know all the consequences of a messy death like suicide.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Atalanta,

I'm glad that studying helps. Being able to take a break from the suicidal ideation, even for just a few hours, sounds really helpful.

I can't imagine what it must be like having to live with family members who cause you grief. I know I would be in a far worse space if I was in that situation. Having no family works MUCH better for me than having family who only caused me distress. I am extremely grateful that my family of origin disintegrated into oblivion twelve years ago. That was a positive turning point in my life.

Given that I don't know your family situation, I have no idea whether they would be better off if you suicide. However, given that you say they love you and would be upset, I seriously doubt that they would be better off. My understanding from the research literature and also from what I've heard other people share, is that family members never "get over" the death of a loved one by suicide.

Again, I don't know your situation so forgive me if this sounds stupid, but you mention that if you suicide this will force a change because currently you are carrying everything and everyone. Is there a way other than suicide that you could stop carrying everything and everyone? I mean, if you know they would have to muddle through upon your suicide anyway, can't you stop carrying them and also stay alive? I hope this isn't a stupid question - I apologise again if it is.

[Former-Member]

I am feeling the same way,family is one of my triggers for suicidal thoughts,knowing that it would be better if I didn't exist and everything in my life tells me the same thing.I am the worse off I have been in!Y life,today due to family on my walk I had a big anxiety attack which I haven't had in a long time,had to stop several times to stand and wait for some control in the breathing.I wanted to ring someone like lifeline just to talk to me to calm me.The attack scared me as I haven't had one for so long .I have had my depression for a few days.My birthday is in the next few days and I regret that I am here to see it.I have no one who cares about me, and with my depression and unsuccessful therapy,can't get a job no matter what I do,I can't enjoy life.Some people call this self pity... Unfortunately it is my life and it's hard to deal with.

[Atalanta]

@CherryBomb, I'm with a counsellor but I'm unlikely to call crisis lines. I've done it only three times in my life...it's ok...just don't feel comfortable talking over the phone. I have a facebook friend that I told last week in an embarrassing vent. I promised to call him if I need him. I probably won't. I'll figure it out on my own, I always do. Coming here is about as close as I get to talking about this stuff...here and the counsellor. He's good, still doesn't know me well, we've been together a couple of months. He knows.