Deep inner DARKNESS

[SCORPION]

Well i have not posted much of late as i have been hiding from myself.

I just cant get rid of the terrible darkness within me i try to hide it ignore it tell myself its not real.

But it is always there has been for some time i walked around to try and show the world a happy me but to be truthfully i now have very few friends left my family doesnt even talk to me unless i ring them. My wife tries to undersand but i think at times she gets weary of my moods.

I find that it the darkness is having more control than i do,i fight it take my meds but i have become tired of the fight. So many sleeples nights so scared to sleep,then having to face the world and seem happy,

IT SUCKS.

Right at this moment i feel like lying down and letting it fully take over. It wont ever go is my fear and if this is my life then i am scared.

I no longer can deal with conflict and hasselss with people so avoid most interaction but of late my life has been turned upside down further.

Now my doctors sugesting i be put on disability pension and tring to deal with GOV CENTRELINK, now thats just fueling the darkness.

Oh i just feel so lost alone and hate myself and dont even know why.

Did i do some horrible thing in a past life or random fate just picked me blindly

So many bad thoughts that i just want to block and wont leave me and the images when i do sleep.

how do I just keep going i dont know ill face some sleep now and see what comes in the morning.

Scorpion

[Appleblossom]

Hello @SCORPION

Its been a long while.

If I recollect, you had some good reasons for your issues with MH.  

It is difficult to integrate our shadow sides but possibly doing so can have some positive feature in the future...

I am hoping your doctors help make it easier to transition to disability.  Try not to let it get to you.  most people have fewer friends as they age than when younger.  Even one of my friends who touts friendship a lot is noticing that. Dont judge yourself in terms of numbers of friends.

Take care.

Go through the motions re Centrelink.  Cross the ts and dot the is .. and dont get into negative spiral about your worth as a human being.  

Possibly a pension would enable you to have a little more security and wriggle room, for a better retirement and old age.

[SCORPION]

Hi
Thanks for the kind words .
In the last few months i nave quit work and moved to a small town as could no longer cope in the city.have been put on additional meds for pain.as had trouble coping with that 24/7 as well.
looked for work but kept being to sick to old yet not even 60 yet. starting to feel no value in me left.
Scorpion

[Mazarita]

Hi @SCORPION, I hope you do get the disability pension. It has made my life so much more livable to have that little bit of semi-security. Prior to that I worked in many many jobs, breaking down in my physical and mental health repeatedly and in between barely surviving on sickness allowance and newstart. Those were the hardest days, my finances gone down the tube completely, sometimes living on baked beans or not eating, not able to afford bus fare sometimes. The disability pension pays quite a bit more than newstart. The sigh of relief inside me once it was granted was enormous and my life has been less stressful since. I would suggest taking the process slowly and patiently, as much as is possible of course. It's great that you have the support of doctors in doing this. Life doesn't have to be about work. For example, other interests can be nurtured. Kind wishes.

[SCORPION]

Hi iam still tring to get that disability it seems my physical injuries dont count for much. i get the impresion that even if i had no legs and arms still not disabeled i there bind eyes.but they seem to care about the messed up space  in my head,

But now with the new additional meds i not sure i really care any more i now dont feel any happyness sadness and cant even find any empthy in me ,i found today i nolonger have any fear a situation arross that should have caused me to cloapse into a small shaking crying ball i just felt nothing. so have been thinking what point the future is if i cant feel anything i just feel empty.

Scorpion

[Snowflake]

Hi @SCORPION,

It's snowflake, one of the moderators here. It sounds like it has been an overwhelming and exhausing process dealing with centrelink- as @Appleblossom spoke about feeling like its a matter of "going through the motions dealing with centrelink" and @Mazarita reflected on it being a very slow process, I imagine this would also be such a frustrating process.

It also sounds like its taken a while to adjust to the medication, and you mentioned you had also moved area's- that's quite a few stressful things that can all be overwhelming and no wonder that you would be feeling empty dealing with all of that at the moment.

I'm here if you want to talk throughout the night. Take Care. 

[SCORPION]

HI thanks I wound up thaking a sleeping tab as i couldnt face how i feel got 5hr of some peace.Thank you for caring.
Scorpion.

[Appleblossom]

I know it is more difficult to get a pension than 4-5 years ago, but whatever the outcome with Centrelink. it does not need to define you.  

I know many men hate their jobs and dont identify with work anyway.

Its just a place they endure and they have some hobby or interest they love .. like trains .. or a new one I heard of recently .. was with gems stones and "facetting" .. or bushwalking .. ???

Its called Poor Pool or Poor Physics .. might not be your cup of tea ..

this is the Hawkesbury