Despair *potential trigger: abuse*

[hiddenite]

They called me, lots of very intense questions but it was a man and I couldn't tell him how bad things are. Just went into protective mode. Disappointed in myself. But so scare about being in a MHU told him what he wanted to hear. I'm just so stupid. 

But having to talk on the phone.....and to a man too triggering.

He is going to call tomorrow.

Why is it so difficult to say how bad things really are.

I just loathe myself

[hiddenite]

I am not my thoughts, they are just thoughts and I don't have to act on them. I have a choice its up to me. Only I can make the decision to help myself.

[NikNik]

Well done for being able to talk to the phone, especially under such pressure.

It's tough for all of us to be able to discuss how bad things are - especially under such emotional pressure. Something else within us takes over, just to be able to get through the situation at hand. Don't be too tough on yourself.

Would it be helpful if you wrote down exactly how you're feeling, so tomorrow when he calls again, you can go into 'auto pilot' and just read from a page?

[hiddenite]

Had to move in with my parents. They wouldn't help me leave him. Told me to make my marriage work.

They are ashamed of me, tell me I'm pathetic and that I should toughen up. Get over it.

They don't believe in depression and that stuff, have to hide it. Getting so difficult now.

[hiddenite]

I will try your suggestion I have a lot written in my note book l could use that. But it would also mean that I have to accept being put back in the MHU. That's something I'm finding hard to accept.

[NikNik]

@hiddenite It's not okay that your parents treat you like that.  I hope that you keep using the forums to start to feel supported and less isolated.

I noticed in another discussion you said you keep a notebook with of all of your grounding, positive affirmations, mindfulness and distractions. Can you use this to keep you safe tonight?

[hiddenite]

Just want to feel safe somewhere.

Too distressed to manage frustrating that when you need to use these techniques its too difficult

[Baboo]

Hiddenite,

i have to say good night for now- please do ring 000 if you need to. Be kind to your self tonight- one very good positive about tonight has been talking on here.

Baboo

[NikNik]

I understand, it's really hard to focus when in that mindset.

Our moderation time is almost up and I really want you to be safe tonight.

Some options that come to mind are;

• Distraction activities, such as reading some of the discussion topics I shared in here last night, or watching a video/movie/YouTube clip. Perhaps on you could look for guided meditation or mindfulness on YouTube? (I find these helpful because I don't have to 'think' and although my head is still 'loud' I slowly tune in to the sounds or guided meditation)
• Your notebook
• Use Lifeline or Suicide Call Back service webchat
• Call 000 - you said you want to feel safe somewhere, calling the CATT team or 000 will guarantee your safety. Please reach out to them.

It's been really nice to get to know you so far here in the forums, although I wish it was under better circumstances. You wrote a great supportive response to Seuss in the medication for anxiety thread. I hope you stick around and continue to stay involved with the Forums.

Lots of virtual hugs coming from everywhere in the forums.

[peace]

@hiddenite I honestly hope you are ok this morning. A little something I read this morning that I so want to share with you.

When you have lost all hope it is ok to borrow it from others.

We are here to listen, support and offer hope, friendship and déep compassion.