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MarkPage
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I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Hi Everyone
I’ll try and cut a long story as short as possible
when i met my wife i was besotted and didn’t detect the obvious issues, her mother most definably had a NPD,
my wife was ignored and made to feel little whilst her brother was doted on, her farter walked on egg shells around her mother who had been beaten down to an obedient puppy lavishing her with attention but receiving none. I come from a loving family and picked up on this quite quickly , he made all the meals did all the washing as well as working full time but when he came in from work no one even said hello to him , he just came in and got on with his chores.
My wife understandably was keen to move out so at the age of 21 we got a house together, it soon became apparent that she was acting just like her mother – I was pressured in to ignoring my friends and distancing myself from my family and hobbies . by her continual put downs of them. I threatened leaving her many times but I was bow beaten with tears and promises of her changing her ways, that she never did !, but I still loved her then she got pregnant and though her moods became worse and her lack of affection,sex and love dwindled to nothing I stayed for my 2 daughters . both my children have now reached teenage years and have had to deal with their mums constant barrage, they always came to me for affection, sympathy and love and asked me to leave with them on many occasions.
As my girls reached teenage years I suffered with a back injury and was put on an opium based pain killer , taking this subdued my desire for attention, sex or an kind of affection, as I reached the end of my prescription I was brow beat in to continuing the prescription by my wife as she realised that it reduced my willingness to argue or stand up for my kids 
After 2 years I finally managed to stop taking the drug and my emotions all returned, however as my children have now got older they no longer look to me for attention or affection so I am left feeling empty and alone , when confronting my wife I just get knocked back and told I’m to needy.
I so want to escape, I miss the simple things an hello when I walk through the door, or someone asking me how my day has been or even a cuddle when I feel down. however I feel after all this time I may myself have now become numb to affection and Sympathy.
If I won the lottery I would be off in a flash, or if met someone else but my social circle is very, very small.
From what I can tell she fits all the criteria for a Vunerable / Covert Narcissist though while she can feel no empathy whatsoever she does not in any way have an excessive interest in herself or admiration of herself in fact she lacks any self-confidence whatsoever and hates how she looks and feels she believes she has never done well enough, she always brings her mother up when she has had alcohol and breaks down in tears even at 42 years old.
Though for any of her friends who complement her she devotes all her time to, constantly texting and lavishing up their admiration


My real question is , is what do I do ? does she really have NPD with her lack of showing a grandiose opinion of herself ?


There’s a lot more I could say but to me it all just confirms that she has some form of NPD

 

hoping someone will help

 

Mark

16 REPLIES 16

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Hello @MarkPage and welcome to the forums. 

 

Children of a narcissistic parent carry many scars which can affect them all their lives - a form of PTSD, some show traits you have described, there are many articles about this on the internet and this may be helpful to you.

 

Can I gently suggest that what you can do is get some support for yourself.  "Self care" is necessary and this takes on different forms for each of us. A counselor might be able to help.

 

 

Darcy

 

 

 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Hi @MarkPage, we're sorry to hear about your situation. We are just wondering how you are and whether you've had a chance to get in touch with a counsellor? 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Hi @MarkPage 

 

I have only just seen your post above.

 

There are distinct patterns of behaviour associated with NPD (Narcissistic Persinality Disorder) but it is best to have them identified by a trained counsellor.  I say this because people who suffer from NPD rarely ever turn up for fiagnosis, counselling or support to manage their life skills and relationships, despite the fact that most of them do end up destroying everything in their lives that most people hold dear ...... they are so contemptuous of criticism, or anything they mistake for criticism, that they lash out vindictively, whether overtly or covertly, and endeavour to sink or punish those trying to help them.

 

It is a bleak picture, but when they are able to have their own way and manipulate those around them to serve them, they can be a pleasure to be with, and generous in a very entitled and controlling way.  It is possible to keep their bubble relatively intact, and manage the relationship by applying subtle boundaries and lavishing on your own self-care ...... including spending time in the company of others with whom you have a genuine and reciprocal relationship - bearing in mind your NPD partner's jealousies and need to control / sabotage your other relationships.

 

A skilled counsellor can advise you about whether they believe your wife is likely to have NPD, and advise you regarding self-protective behaviours and other choices.  In the absence of a diagnosis over the NPD person themselves, the behaviour patterns of NPD, and the discernible effects on all those around the person, are identifiable, and it is appropriate to apply support and strategies towards those behaviours, with or without an actual diagnosis, for your own support and welfare, or support to leave the relationship, which is just as important when dealing with NPD.  It doesn't go well ..... speaking from experience here 👋.

 

Good luck, and please keep posting.  Support for you is the most critical thing here, and that lifeline helps in the support / rescue of others trapped within the escalating behaviour patterns of someone with NPD.

 

🌷F&H

 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Something that I have noticed about people that suffer from PD's and their loved ones is that they become convinced that the person is %100 their illness. All of their actions, their thoughts, their words, every behaviour and relationship, their entire being is BPD or NPD or ASPD etc. On the flip side, the rest of us, with all the other mental illnesses are desperately trying to convince people until we are blue in the face that we are not our illness. I wonder if you are able to see @MarkPage that since being in this relationship there has been a merging and that you are unable to distinguish where the person starts and ends and where the illness is. Maybe she isn't an affectionate type of person. Some people don't seem to need much affection at all, close to zero, which I just find inconceivable because I am a Koala type, but relationships can still last, but only if you are compatible and the same. My best buds have been together close to 15 years and I have only ever seen them touch each other maybe once or twice in that 15 years.......I could not live like that, I would become ill. But it works because they are both the same. It's not my cup of tea, but it is theirs. 

 

PD's are a tough road, but so are all mental illnesses. My father was on the PD spectrum so they are in my family, and you seem to think that your wife's mother is also on the PD spectrum, which wouldn't be surprising because mental illness often runs in family. 

 

I just can't see how a diagnosis would do anything to change the fundamentals of your relationship. Corny 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

@Faith-and-Hope 

 

It feels so rare to speak to a person in any community about NPD. NPD is nothing short of hell. I literally became a shell of myself. To me it's much worse than the standard domestic violence and that really is bad enough as well. It doesn't matter how intelligent one is about narcissism. These people have one thing in mind only. Seek, k.i.l.l. and destroy using any and all means possible. And that she did. 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Your ex is just vile @Powderfinger .

 

I am so happy she has someone else. An odd thing to say, but seriously if she didn't she would be threatening S and SH. People that run these S hotlines need some education about DV. It is very often DV and not SI at all. 

 

Abusive people are pitiful people. They can't be on their own, they have to have someone to control and admire them. @Faith-and-Hope ex found himself a poodle, your ex has some loser on her arm, it was always going to end that way because of who they are as a person and their MI of NPD just makes it even more extreme. Corny 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

Hey @Corny 

Vile is too polite honestly Smiley Happy 

I am so happy she has someone else. An odd thing to say, but seriously if she didn't she would be threatening S and SH. People that run these S hotlines need some education about DV. It is very often DV and not SI at all. 

Well @Corny Who knows if it was even true that she had someone else? I do think it was true BUT I think it was her new supply. However she knew that her new supply was not up to her standards so she decided to keep me tangling there. I did not know about her new supply till she rvealed that five weeks after I had ended it. By the way only because she decided she did not want to hide it from me anymore. That is translated as, I am going to make you extremely jealous so you fight for me and come back to me. I am going to tell you things about him and me so it forces you to come back to me and make you worried that I am moving on without you. 

I saw through it all and whatever she was trying to achiev it did the opposite. I didnt care about her new supply. I didnt care that she could possible be sleeping with him. So much for her saying she was done with men. I didnt care what they were or were not doing together. Basically, I just did what a normal human being would. I told her how happy I was for her and that I wished her the absolute best with her new boyfriend. I wished them happiness and joy. I said to her its actually best I truly move on so you two can focus on your new relationship, we both know what it is like for an ex to be in the way when you are in a new relationship. In light of your news, I am fine with moving on. All the best. Goodbye. 

I meant it of course, I did. However, I also knew that this was going to be a time when she would fly into her own narcissistic rage because her plans to do what she wanted failed. I wasnt falling over myself to get back with her. I knew what she was doing and it just made me sickedned even more than what I was. It turned me off and it was wuite disgusting really. I saw how pathetic she was. Apparently, he walked in like a knight in shining armor when I ended it with her. She almost died and was so suicidal. was on suicide watch and in therapy. He was supporting her and holding her when she was in tears. Now he was starting to fall in love with her and she hadn't let him in but since I'd made it clear that I was never coming back and it was truly over, it is time she let him in like that to get to know her, after all he was falling in love with her. 

I saw through it all. It so insane, it is laughable because it is so insane. Not only a few days before she was begging me to come back one day. I pray to god you come fine me again one day, I do not know what is happening and why I break down in tears when I think of you. I will answer that for you. Because you are a narcissist and all your best laid plans and methods didnt work. You are breaking down because of narcissistc injury not because you were or are actually in love with me. You are empty, deeply insecure, feel entitled, think you own me, think that I am going to come running back to you anytime now, and ONLY becAUSE YOU HAVE NO SUPPLY FILLING UP YOUR INSATIABLE EGO that is never satisfiable fed. It can never be. That is part and parcel of being a narcissist. You are pathetic, you are weak, you are a patholgical liar and a terrible one at that because you dont keep a track of your lies and you expose yourself as a result. Basically you are a laughing stock to me. It took me a while to realise what was really goin on and who she really is. I could not have seen it while in a relationship. Only time, distance and completely cutting her off and out of my life was going to make me finally be able to see the truth of her. The facts are she is incapable and always will be of loving herself, she doesnt know what it means, narcissists deep down oathe themselves, however they will outwardly project to anyone and everyone that their behaviour and their deeds make her hate herself and feel bad. Truth is that was there way before. Therapy is a no go zone because they are not the problem. Everyone else invluding me cause them to be so messed up and damaged. Oh gosh, I could seriously write a book about her. 

As for some of these hotlines, I completely agree with you. That is why I do not call them and talk to them anymore. This is not a case of DV or SI. Far beyond that and far beyond what their education and knowledge has ever taught them. Hence completely moot that I even bother @Corny Knowledge and education is power. Healing and recover is my own journey to do how I want it, when I want it, in my own time and with no needed permission from anyone at all on how that looks for me. I will do it how I want it. I wont be controlled anymore. I just left that for goodness sake. 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

What absolute rubbish @Powderfinger I do not fall for that rubbish story one tiny bit. Holding her while she's experiencing SI from the breakdown of her relationship, please. Make sure she is safe and contact health professionals, yes, but this knight in shining armour crap, what rubbish. Who would feel safe in that situation at the very beginning of a relationship when she is so unstable; no one. You would politely exit a volatile situation recognising someone is very unwell and that you're out of your depth and the best people to help are trained professionals. 

 

I would not be surprised if her entire life is a total lie. There really are no limits, lies so big they make you giddy. Some of the lies my father told were so huge, my sibs are so mortified they've never told a soul about. Criminal insanity. I read somewhere your ex posted on social media, on a DV site about narcissism.....she comes across as not the type that would lie about having cancer or Bipolar Disorder to mask she sleeps around, she'd go for something that most people in society would never dare to question such as childhood trauma, something really dark and tragic, and yet there is no physical or functional evidence of such horror ever occurring. She's coping just fine, and seems to be willing to hook up with complete strangers very easily with no physiological barriers barricading her in her home. I'm sure she bags people out on welfare because we're not gold diggers liker her; she realised that 'he's not up to her standards" ie: not wealthy enough, not good looking enough, not of a high enough status. Has she ever been diagnosed with BPD P? And if she ever SH'd did that start before or after the diagnosis to your knowledge. I'd bet my bottom dollar it was after - mimicking, competition, attention seeking, has to have the spot light; misdiagnosis because it is a women would be my guess.

 

There's no easy walk out of this trauma P. It is really tough going, very lonely at times, but I would stick to no contact as much as you can. It really is the only way to give your brain a chance to make new connections and to recover from this madness. Every time a new relationship fails or they don't serve her anymore she will try and reel you back in......stay strong. Others have come before you, and made it out the other side, battle worn and scarred for life, but we're still here. 

 

Something I find really interesting and frustrating about our culture is that collective victimisation such as racism is legit,  and no one would ever question its validity and would be publicly shamed if they did. But individual victimisation is not afforded the same concern. Especially victimisation that occurs in a domestic setting against women and girls.....I watched the dramatisation of OJ Simpson on Netflix. Reading about the history his lawyer was some hot shot famous guy and very well known for advocating against racial discrimination - but he was beating his wife up. Such hypocrisy I can't stand it.  It's not about racism its about hatred, the conversations haven't gone far enough, similar hierarchies remain, the same problems continue, sexism, patriarchy and homophobia are all allowed to carry on. Just my 2 cents P. 

Re: I think my wife has NPD please help ! i cant take it anymore :(

@Corny 

 

All I can say is I agree with EVERYTHING you have said. I have a heart of stone towards her. Not even half an inch of love or warmth. Just rock solid stone. 

I'm taking a break from Sane. Not doing well at all. 

 

Take care. 

 

 

 

 

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