It is hard to do it alone as you are doing @Former-Member.
I felt the same when I went to court for access with my daughter and to speak at the Vic enquiry. The bonus at the court with my daughter was that I met an old school friend ... and I had a church friend who came with me as I spoke at the recent Vic enquiry into the consequences of institutuional abuse.
It is not necessarily a reflection on you ... I helped my ex with his big Supreme Court case .. and helped with a few supporting affidavits etc ... now I realise he didnt deserve my support ... when the chips were down ... I was on my own ... as a kid and a grown up ... young mum and old mum.
The learning I am finally taking from it is to know who my friends are ... and the difference between friends and friendly.
I know it is not that I dont show my vulnerability or am so conceited and think that I can do it all alone ... as is sometimes suggested... just those were the cards dealt to me.
There actually is little justice in the distribution of friends ... you can see it as a teacher ... how some families carefully steward kid's friendships ... some work and others dont.. often not only to do with the actual friends involved .. That is how I console myself. I have been accused of being popular by my aggressive borderline violent sister-in-law .. cos I would be voted stuff at school .. but that was because I was obviously responsible not cos I was really popular or invited to parties. Now i see how off-the-planet other people's projections onto me are ... I can even laugh at some of it now ... I put out more so there are reality adjustments all round.
Even when a relationship fit is not really that good for me .. I try and try .. and grieve friendships even when I have not been treated well ... and given the flick ... I am becoming more at ease with the ending of many as I understand how my childhood patterns of fear and clinging to abusive relationships has been played out as an adult too ... those people didnt have it in them to be good friends to me ... I dont have to hate them or vilify them .. a lot of it was bad fit ... but maybe the best that was going at the time ... it is what it is ... I am getting less jealous of those who seem to have friends .. and more settled with me and the precious little things that happen ...
like the tiny 6 year old, tonight in the street, who ran up to me very brightly and wanted to talk ... I first met him on trick or treat night ... he stood in my way ... and cheerfully took my jeep .. and then I got him to introduce me to his mum. When I was on the way back .. he insisted on carting my jeep 20 metres fully loaded ... "I have got muscles" ... he was the size of a 3-4 year old. I had to insist he go home as his mum will worry ...
it was just a warm night and people were out and about.
I am just nattering to try and cheer and distract you ...
