Riding a wave

[LouLouMagoo]

Hey @Phoenix_Rising you're definitely not alone. I can see you have had a rough day. Do you think some mindfulness or grounding activities might be helpful at this time and settle you back into sleep?

[Phoenix_Rising]

I got up and ate breakfast but then the big feelings were too big so I am back under my weighted blanket. It's ok isn't it. Just because the feelings are big right now, it doesn't mean they always will be. I can try again in a little while. Thank you for always being with me dwellers of Forum Land. 😊

[Former-Member]

Morning @Phoenix_Rising

Sounds like its a tough morning...you're right it the big feelings will pass. We are here if you need us today

In the meantime I'm floating around...

[Phoenix_Rising]

My second attempt at getting out of bed and facing another day seems to be going better. Yay for me for remembering to just ride out the big feeling.

@Zoe7 Thank you for your super nice post (and also the picture of the turtle and butterfly - that is super cute!). You are absolutely correct in saying that so many psychologists are just going through the motions. My GP and a few other people have made the observation that I can come across as quite intimidating to a psychologist because of my knowledge of psychology and my intellect. That sounds SO wanky and arrogant and I really hate saying it...but it is the observation of others, not me, and deep down I know it to be true.

I can't help being me. I am a high achiever and if someone is getting paid a huge amount of money to help me, then I expect them to be skilled and capable of doing that. I do not think that is unreasonable. I often compare my search for a therapist with my efforts to find a good violin teacher. I sacked three previous teachers because they would tell me to "just keep practicing." I could feel that I had poor technique and their attitude was that it would get better with practice. Er...no, if I keep practicing poor technique, I will just end up super good at playing poorly. My current teacher is SO different. He is a Japanese man who was a student of the pioneer of the suzuki method of learning the violin. I have been with him for a year and we have spent the entire year going back and fixing up my technique. I pay him a fortune, but I know that my playing improves with every single lesson I have with him and thus it is actually much better value for money than paying the other teachers who kept telling me to "just keep practicing."

So...I see my search for a therapist like that. I DO have high expectations of anyone I am engaging to help me with something, and I don't see an issue with that. I KNOW the right person is out there. I know there is someone out there who can genuinely "get" me and be committed to helping me heal my brain. I just don't know how to darn well find them!

@Zoe7 it is SO wrong that someone can come out of a therapy session more traumatized than when they went in. It is definitely not the way it is supposed to be. The absurd thing about the situation with (A) is that we weren't even talking about any of my icky muddle on Monday. It wasn't like she was pushing me to talk about anything icky. It was all more around abandonment stuff and not being heard, in relation to our own therapeutic relationship. The whole thing is such a giant muddle.

Anyway, I am superly duperly grateful that you and everyone else is here in Forum Land. I love the feeling of being heard that I experience here. I love the feeling that people "get" me. @Former-Member mentioned on another thread yesterday that she struggles to convey empathy in the online environment. However, I actually think she does a better job of it here in the virtual world than (A) does of it when she is sitting in the same room as me! It really is true what I've been saying about (A) - we get along great so long as we don't actually talk.

Super big thank you for caring about me @Zoe7 even though you have so much of your own stuff going on.

[Zoe7]

Hey @Phoenix_Rising Thankyou for your lovely post  It actually means alot to ME that you know that I do get some of what you are going through and I do hear you.

Since the first time you joined I remember you coming into TOR and feeling safe to snuggle in the corner there - I will never forget the feeling that gave me also - it was a feeling for me also of safety and being supportive even when not 'talking'. That is something alot of people really don't get - we don't always need to talk to not feel alone.

I also remember very clearly how you felt that some people were getting alot of support on here and you didn't seem to be getting much at all. I am so very pleased that you are now getting that yourself and it has helped you along your way. Even when you are in the middle of a BIG muddle or BIG feelings you are able to talk about it and know others are with you and hearing what you are saying.

Even the 'tone' of your posts have changed a little over the months and that shows me that you are infact moving forward (ever so slightly) and you have just hit another speed bump along your journey (yep a cliche I know but one that I feel fits here). 

I understand you have huge abandonment issues - and as much as we all can say here we will not leave you often things happen that are unexpected or unavoidable. I know cherrybomb leaving was one of those but I feel you have done an amazing job in dealing with this and alot of people have 'rallied around you' to help you through this. That is not because we felt an obligation to do so little turtle - that is because we genuinely like and care about you (as hard as that may be for you to read - it is true). That has been the case for me infact since our very first conversations in TOR.

Your intelligence, honesty, caring and humour all shine through and they are things to be celebrated. Not everyone 'gets' everyone else in this world - and when you find people that you can relate to and can relate to you you need to hold onto them as much as possible. You and @CheerBear have this amazing not-friend relationship and it is one that makes me smile whenever I read your interactions - you may not have people in real life like this but you certainly have people here that feel it is an honour to know you.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I think I saw you paddling around in the ocean. You'll watch over the ocean tonight? Guess what? I went TWO WHOLE NIGHTS without needing to seek reassurance that someone was watching the ocean. I was super proud of myself and feeling much more positive about the world...and then I had THAT session with (A). Now I'm in a giant muddle, torn between the terror of therapist shopping for therapist-take-eleven, and staying with (A) who is super nice but who I know is causing harm. This muddle super super SUPER sucks.

Anyway, you'll watch over the ocean? And if, like last night, I wake up super scared in the middle of the night, I can know that SOMEONE will be here. I don't need to be afraid. I can know that all I have to do is raise my flipper and someone will come won't they. The alone feeling is just a feeling. Someone will watch over the ocean all night long won't they.

Night.

[Former-Member]

I'm most certainly here @Phoenix_Rising.  But I'm going to sit this one out and keep a watch from shore.  I had so much dinner tonight I'd sink like a stone if I waded in!  But i've got binoculars trained on you (in a non-creepy way) and I'll be keeping watch.  You're safe.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I feel super alone, super hopeless and super afraid. I simply don't know how to find the energy to search for therapist-take-eleven. I feel utterly utterly hopeless. But I am not alone am I. It is just a feeling. I know I have people here who care about me. This is super super super hard. 😔😔😔

[Faith-and-Hope]

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising