Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Reader]

I don't have any pearls of wisdom Mummymountain but I think you are a doing a marvellous job and am amazed at what you can do. You are a gem.

[Kiera80]

Hi @MummyMountain

I'm jumping for joy on your behalf on your decision to go get that massage.  I hope you enjoy every minute.

I am extremely surprised that your daughter is sticking to her promise to follow all the instructions and medical advice given to her.  From what I know living with someone who has BPD, promises don't usually last too long.  In your daughters case though, I hope she really does follow through with this.  That will be a great help to you and obviously to her as well.

Being in your situation with anxiety, depressions and being so burnt out you need to now more than ever have those boundaries in place with your daughter.  They do tend to get upset over the smallest things.  Most of this stuff you can just let go right over your head.  You almost have to put up a bit of brick wall within yourself where a lot of what happens you need to let bounce off you. It's not easy to do because you love them and they may think that something is hurting them or causing them discomfort but you know in the real world that's not the case.  It's easy to let yourself get pulled into their world but you have to maintain the emotional distance so that you can be the stronger one.

Looking back I remember getting involved in heated arguments and spiraling down to the level of my sibling when some of the worst behaviour was happening.  I'm a lot wiser now and don't fall for it.  We still have our spats over stupid things but I'm much more at ease with putting my foot down and calling a halt to a conversation or argument that I can see is going nowhere fast.

Something else I found helpful whilst living with someone who has BPD is to set time limits on the interactions you have.  For instance, my sibling used to approach me at all hours of the day (through phone calls at work) or night and want to talk about something, usually some nonsense that I had no interest in whatsoever.  That wore thin really quickly with me.  If they had something valid to say then I would set a time limit of 5-10 minutes for them to bring up the subject and then we would have another 10 minutes to find a solution.  Usually my sibling wasn't happy with the outcome and would always go off topic.  Even today my sibling will never get straight to the point of what needs to be said which drives me nuts.  I could tune out for most of the conversation by the time they said what needed to be said.  It's exhausting to say the least.  If there is no positive outcome of a conversation for them then you can reschedule a time to go back to what was being discussed and ask them to think about the points they want to bring up and even write down what they want to say so they don't forget.  I have put a rule in place at home where my sibling knows not to bother me until I've been in the door for at least half an hour.  It gives me the space to do what I have to do and not be bombarded by their problems.

You need to have some breathing space.

Mostly I think it's important for them to have a moment of clear thinking.  In your daughters case she can give you a run down of all the bad thoughts she has had that day and you can address them one by one but at a set time that you determine.  She won't be worse off if she has to wait and it will in fact help her have a bit more self control.

I am a bit concerned when you mentioned that you manage your stuff by avoiding people.  In hindsight let me tell you that this can be a big mistake.  I did exactly what you did and nobody outside our family even knew what was going on and what I was going through. If I could go back in time I would have told everyone what was happening.  These days there shouldn't be a stigma any more with mental illness but in the back of your mind you think that people won't understand or they won't care.  99% of the time this won't be the case at all and you will find that you aren't the only person who has had to deal with someone who has a mental illness.  You will also find that the support for you will be there from others when you need them.  Please, please don't do what I did and isolate yourself.  It's terribly lonely and so completely wrong to go through it alone.  Don't ever be afraid to reach out, even if it's just to talk about things.

Please keep updating and feel free to ask any questions you may have. 

[MummyMountain]

Thankyou @Reader for your kind words. 

That is great advice thankyou @Kiera80. Walking on eggshells is no way to live and it takes enormous courage and commitment to set and keep limits with our loved ones. With our professional support network, my daughter and I have managed meltdowns last night and today that used to result in ED trips, police and relationship damage between us. Now that she knows that any threats of harm to anybody, including herself, breaking property etc. are not behaviours I can live with and action to move her to extended family care or worse will be taken (I had to follow through a couple of weeks ago and she got the fright of her life when told she was not being discharged to me), she is finally feeling the feelings that she has been avoiding with rages and threats for years. So she has the choice of down regulating with me using breathing, mindfulness etc., or we enact the safety plan which involves, moving her to a previously agreed close by grandparent for a few hours for her to regain her composure, or calling the ambulance. These measures have been and will be taken every single time until she develops a sense of safety and security in the process. Its really hard to see my baby girl crying so hysterically she is nearly passing out, and to remain regulated myself, but now that we have managed it twice, recovery is well on its way.

Last night she choose to down regulate with me and then today she chose to get out of her environment and go spend some time with the grandparent. This doesn't all happen quietly, smoothly and nicely though, she is screaming and crying and muttering but as long as there are no threats or harm, she gets no horrible consequences like police attendance, hospital or living with people not of her choosing.

My massage was out of this world. So much tension was released and I feel a million dollars today after finally feeling strong enough to keep my family safe in a respectful and peaceful way and being validated by our support workers and also making some other decisions around pursuing some of my own activities instead of avoiding 'out there.'

[Leigh]

It's so difficult and like you I feel totally burnt out. You want so much to help but there is not much support out there. If you go on about it to friends,they end up turning away. It' s good to have to forum to vent.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi MummyMountain

Its not BPD we're dealing with, but I can relate so much to the power of massage.  I think it's the human touch that is so comforting as well.

Stay strong.  I think you're doing an amazing job.

[karen1]

Mummy Mountain, you are strong and resilient and not alone. It is a lonely journey and while people can sympathise their capacity to understand what you are going through is truly limited. The roller coaster is massive and mental, I do understand as I have a 19 year old daughter who has been battling depression, PTSD and anxiety for the past 3 years. I think one of the hardest parts is you feel like the emotional life is being sucked right out of you and coping with self harm and suicide attempts does become too hard to bear. Please know that you are not alone and I will be thinking of you and hoping for better things to come for you and your loved ones.