Hi @Loz_3647 I understand where you are coming from and am sorry you are suffering right now. Its a build up of negative energy in your body/mind causing you to want to harm yourself. You need to find a way of releasing the toxicity which is making you feel this way ❤️
For me lately as part of my new year plan I am doing a specific kundalini yoga kriya to get the old energy from last year released. It gets the prana flowing freely and liberates the energetic system. I suspect your energy is trapped.
If I feel toxic energy normally I will either listen to solfeggio frequencies for negativity at 417hz Just google "solfeggio frequencies and negativity" and you will feel better after listening to it. They have been able to use solfeggio frequencies for all kinds of things and I've found them to be very powerful as it releases energetic blockages and I do feel better. There are many articles on this.
Another thing I do is use something called "orgonite" which is crystals, metal filings set in resin Its now sold as a New Age device. I draws negative energy from you or your environment and recycles it into positive energy. It was developed out of the work of psychoanalysist Wilhelm Reich who wrote about orgone (energy) in his books. Its an outcropping of his research so an inventor created orgonite in keeping with Wilhelm Reich's work. I keep a large one in front of my computer to get rid of EMF's. If I feel like energy is toxic I will keep it in my pocket to draw out negativity
You may wish to do what athletes do in gyms using a "roller device" you can get at K-mart. You use your bodyweight to roll over muscle groups. Apart from relieving stiffness and increasing range of motion it will release trauma held in your musculature. I used to see a deep tissue therapist who did this and she said she got better results with it compared to her previous work as a psychologist. Its not just trauma being held in your brain but in your body. The muscles hold all kinds of trauma. When you do it you feel immense release. I never knew how much toxicity I was holding onto. I use it when energy feels trapped.
Another thing I do is clear my aura there are you tube videos on this. Our aura is like a sponge and soaks up everything from your environment and if you can clear your aura using whatever methods available to you you will feel upliftment and wellbeing.
You need to start working energetically with your mind and body. I have experienced negativity like most people but there are ways to clear it from your body so you don't feel traumatised.
Good luck, there are so many answers out there. You will feel better in no time at all!
