Losing my grip

[Historylover]

Have a good one, @NatureLover.👍

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Historylover , how r u today?

[Historylover]

No, @Bow. There'll never be meaningful relationships for me. I don't just feel distress and distrust when engaging in these activities–there is a reason for my distress and distrust because, in my real world, people just aren't who they pretend to be–all sweet and kind. They are predatory and see in me someone to toy with and exploit. And if you think it's paranoia, think again. I've said before that I just can't get out of this slipstream and I have kept trying anyway. I'm just not where I'm supposed to be, and they can sense my desperation which they can take advantage of and exploit for their own purposes. 

Still safe.

[Bow]

Fair enough @Historylover  im honestly really sorry that you feel this way. 

I’m glad your still safe. 

[Historylover]

@Appleblossom. I did another art therapy group yesterday and it just confirmed everything for me. I'll probably go back just for the experience but come home more and more low each time. 

As I've said before, I just can't get out of this slipstream. 

[Appleblossom]

 Slow streamsFaster streams

Slow stream.  Faster streams.

This guy is standing up agin  the odds ... it seems ...

sorri @Historylover  cannot help the rhyming.

Discovered that dude last night on a manic internet research amidst my own frenzy.  Triggered bad yesterday, but eventually came through it and alright now.

You like classical music ... http://danielmartynlewis.com 

Not sure exactly what the psychosocial issue at the art group is ...

I have never done one ... thought about it ... like the idea in theory ... but never get to it ... probably cos there was an art/music power relations dichotomy in mother's family.  The arty peep def did not do the right thing.... then there is the effort put into ex husband and oldest daughter's visual art ... hmmm ... Music can be more fragile as it does not leave a permanent physical object ... unless there is a recording ... yadayada.  Glad I was with mother in studio when she did her recording.  That memory was better than the object, but the object still counts.

You find your own way ... I have submitted like a good little girl into therapy groups and relationships, but then sometimes really feel like bucking up ... cos they can be bloomin patronising ... is that part of the issue?

[Historylover]

Good to hear from you @Appleblossom. I have been offline for a few days.

I'm afraid anyone (not you) implying paranoia upsets me greatly, so I have kept a low profile to recover before returning to my usual self. No other poster has ever walked in my shoes, and as mine have lifelong experiences, I long ago learnt to identify the strategies at play.  I am fully aware of how people feed off those they perceive as vulnerable, and I'm very vulnerable. What they can't immediately perceive, they go about asking 'innocent' questions to fill in the gaps. It makes interesting observation if nothing else.

I think the major part is that when I desperately needed help they couldn't help, but a year or two later unexpectedly called me. What made her keep my mobile number for such a later date? She was well aware of the immediacy of my need. I've drawn my own conclusions based on past experience and observation, and from what I learned from 'him'. I know I'm in a viper's nest, but it all makes interesting observation. Life's a lesson in people. 

Anyway, good to hear from you. I hope you have a good weekend without any down time. Take care.

[Appleblossom]

Had technical internet issues for a few days. @Historylover Planted out a few things including vegetables.

Yep "Life's a lesson in people. " Careful of the vipers nest.  

I have so much to learn, cos nothing I experienced is normal! 

Had a phone call with a friend (15 months), he was going to go for a walk while he was in my town, but changed his mind as my covid test had not returned a result, as I did not have a mobile phone so there "texting" system did not apply and I feel thru the cracks again.  It was good to email and talk on landline.  He is back In Darwin now.

Also a visit from an older friend (15 years) who had also moved away, tho not so far.  Very social for me.  We just chatted outside, and when he said dont bother put on a mask ... I did ... need to learn to be a bit bolshie ... and just have a bit of fun without revealing all my Deep and Meaningful stuff.   Yet without some sharing of things that are important it aint much of a friendship.  Both these friends know my business, but kept making some attempt to reach out, beyond "coming on to me".  Both are male. 

2 different new female friends from local church sent emails to check on me, which was kind of nice. I have been dancing very carefully around the church, as very wary of being taken the wrong way ...

I have so many scandalous aspects about my life, though I tried to be ethical according to what seemed right to me. I think you know what I mean ... but it also could be good music outlet.

Been focussing on cooking a little for my son.  Sent messages to my daughter but no response.

[Historylover]

How dependent have we all become on our PCs and mobile phones? We develop our lives around their convenience and when they drop out for a time, it throws our whole rhythm out.

Life certainly is a lesson, @Appleblossom. Unfortunately, for me, there are only viper's nests left. I'm always entering (on the edge of) cliques, or joining people who have control over the situation which is not in my best interest, only theirs. I could say I wish I was a member of a church, but I believe people are the same in every situation.

I guess that message to your daughter was the daughter you have a broken relationship with? Why are relationships so difficult? I'd like to do a thesis on my interpretation, observation and experience!

[Appleblossom]

@Historylover My eyes are more open about social situations now.  There is a lot more at stake than just nice or nasty.

I would not say I was a member of this church yet.  Still at the outskirts.  2 Covid cases this year has kept me away as well as wariness. Only put money in retiring offering, no bank account deductions yet. Thrown in at the deep end as a kid a lot, so big toe dipping as an grownup.  Now, My deal is that ... I set my own agendas, open my mouth more and not be such a people pleaser, or be used by others. The plan is NOT to lose any more sleep about such things ... 

Established power, hierarchies are a fact of life, but they can also shift. Its alright if there is decency rather than a vipers nest at the heart ...

Yes, more theses and discussion about the rise in estrangements might be helpful world wide. Need to look around and find yourself a good supervisor.