Trying makes it worse

[TAB]

early nite here @tonys  going to big smoke tomorrow to get slate hearth for heater. got call at last minute flue kit has turned up on other side of town, but am already committed and everyone shuts at 12 sat. Quarry only open for sales friday and sat am. So its a jumble, I tried to streamline it, then gave up. so another long drive monday oh well.

Take care 

I sent someone a twilight zone ep other day ? cant remember to who or why ..

[tonys]

Yes  @StuF   My day was good.  All things considered, Given the surgeons probly worked a strait 48

with rusty saws,  I feel pretty good.    I hope you have a good night too mate with a special weekend

to follow.  You made me feel good Stuff,   and I thank you.                                                          tonys 

[StuF]

All the very best for your evening and weekend too @tonys 

[tonys]

Can hear shrill screams and crunching bones from the next room..  Perhaps you sent them hear @TAB 

Slate  mmmmm    that  sounds nice. So no villa board or is that what you tile onto.  Nothing like the flicker of flames on the walls of your cave to make it feel like home.  Take care mate and pay attention on the roads.  Things are going good for you so keep safe mate..                      tonys

[EternalFlower]

Hi all

@tonys @StuF @TAB @Appleblossom @Zoe7 

I loved the comment that the smartest patients are kind to staff .....

I am in the ED atm due to feeling suicidal.

Patient next to me is pissed off and bossy.

I am not so nice to staff at hospitals sometimes i get scared of male staff.

A doctor came and said "heard uve been feeling depressed and suicidal....did u have a plan?"

And i snapped "i told it to the dr before, and the triage man, in detail. I dont want to say again." Dont think he likes me now. Gotta be nicer to them

[Zoe7]

In all honesty @EternalFlower You should not have to tell your story a thousand times. Sending you some love 💖

[EternalFlower]

@Zoe7 u have a great point and are super helpful xx

I dont know what they get handed over but the words for me are like nails on a chalkboard, "have u taken any steps...etc etc" im like who are u...

He is the dr running the ward but next the mental health team comes and asks the same questions so i brushed him off but i am trying to learn to be nicer and more sweet because i am scared they woll punish me for being non cooperative and write bad stuff on my records about me being difficult.

I did not deal well with my dr recently forgetting to tell me hes going away with no notice and i have been having what i think are panic attacks

[Zoe7]

Some professionals do not have a great bedside manner @EternalFlower but that is not your problem. Do/say what feels safe for you Hon. That does not mean close down completely but sometimes picking our battles is important.

[tonys]

Hi there @EternalFlower .   Mate I am sorry to see you are unwell.  Wish I had a bottle of soothing words and white doves to send them.  I just think that you need to be kind to yourself for a moment and always..

It sounds like they may have skipped the hand over notes, or do they even have them. Maybe its people

almost as green as me, trying to break the ice and measure responses.    A thousand canyon trails leading to a thousand more. A fragile mind takes us where it can.   

They say don't let it. but thats the point.  We are slaves to our unwell minds till kind hands get a grasp on our wild horses with frightened eyes.    We live in times of stampede.

Guilt and self examination must wait.  A place of peace devoid of overload is what I pray each day for you.   An unwell body and an unwell mind are worlds apart.   Sound advice I do see from Zoe and others.  All I can offer is to say your friendship is a gift to us all.  We know you for the good and sweet person that you are.  We see passed your fragility and vulnerability and though they leave you week 

at times, for reasons I cant explain,  I see them as fine qualities.  I will always admire you my friend.

Tonys.

[Appleblossom]

Dear @EternalFlower 

Sad to hear you are struggling that much.  I hope the ED experience does not put you off seeking and benefitting from real help.

I would think that would be retraumatising to keep asking that question.  I am shocked at some of the supposed protocols that are in use.  I have discussed my own suicidality very rarely, and only once with a CAT team about 7 years ago in detail.  I really cannot see how disclosing to strangers while under duress is helpful ... any more. 

As @Zoe7 says pick your battles, dont beat yourself up too much. Whats said and done is said and done. The onus is on them.

Sometimes we need to coocoon ourselves.  Sending you duck feather doonas and silk and woollen fabric to wrap yourself in while you find your feet, your inner calming spirit and your next steps.

As @tonys you are valued here.  

Rousseau- Doors of PerceptionProtective Cocoon

and some greenery with vervet monkeys ... about ways of seeing ....