HeloRe: Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hey therqe @maddison @Historylover @Appleblossom @@@

It is helpful to have it replies and insights , very valuable to me. It helps me also to talk about things that are scary.

We missed U @Appleblossom 

@maddison I needed to hear that re my dr. They also called him to check in after I shd but he said no because he'd already seen me for 45 minutes 

The reason we spoke for so long because I tried in every way to convey I wasn't safe here and he still didn't get it and minimised 

He asked if I felt safe and I started saying ,"it's very easy to..." But he ended the sentence for me 

" It's very easy to just say the words ur safe and not mean it? And no one can really guarantee safety you can just try."

This is his thing he always wants to tell me, that it's stupid to ask patients to say if they're sure they're safe as no one's sure.

But anyway he got it so wrong and I was trying to convey something different , that I was sure I needed more help to stay safe. He dismissed this so I tried different ways to explain 

He ended up telling me that he thinks I project my frustrations onto the person who's listening to me and I do this all the time. He then granted me leave when just the day before I had nearly hurt myself on leave 

This is all terrible .

@moderator please help me if I am stuffing up 

[Former-Member]

Hey @EternalFlower, I can hear that you're doing the very best you can right now 💜

I'm so sorry that the dr was so dismissive of you when you really needed to be heard, when you were saying "no, I am certain". We hear you @EternalFlower, and we're sitting with you. 

If you feel up to it, I wonder if giving SANE (or if you have another service you like) a call for a chat today? What you are dealing with deserves to be heard, and held. 

[Historylover]

@EternalFlower, oddly I am not able to send a proper 'Reply' so am using 'Quick Reply'. Sorry to hear things are tough. Here too, so I'll just leave you with my best wishes. Take best care.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Former-Member @maddison @Historylover @Appleblossom 

I think it's my fault I stuffed up how I replied to posts and now replied are stuffed ....rewriting this. @Former-Member wow I am so sad but glad too that while he couldn't get it it was heard here so quickly and without challenge 

I was trying to say exactly that, not that it's too hard to be certain or that it is a weird question to answer but that I was certain and sure

[Historylover]

Waiting to hear of your wonderfully good time, @Appleblossom. Lucky you. What did you do? Where? With whom? For how long? When?

[maddison]

Thankyou for reaching out @EternalFlower I know you might be feeling really fragile rn. At least that is how I feel today! I'm thanking you because you are BRAVE. It must be a very scary & uncertain time for you. Talking to me & trusting me with what is going on for you is, - - I put your interaction with me in a very high & sacred space.

You explained yourself perfectly. When I read that first sentence that psych, spoke over the top of you...I already knew the rest of the story. I have had the same interactions with health staff in the last few weeks. 

Silly me, is kind & respectful & let's the other person talk. I think for a moment I even entertain the idea that their words must be more important than mine.

Talking over the top of someone when they are explaining their feelings, I have now confirmed to myself - is a HUGE red flag.

This is not a good person.

I have personally never noticed you projecting feelings of frustration on other people. And so what if you did? We all do things like that. Sounds like a silly, unnecessary comment.

I feel like it is confusing to always write on here, because I feel unsafe with what to share!

If I knew you in real life. I would sit with you all day & you could tell me anything you wanted, until you didn't want to talk anymore.

I know you like writing & reading. Maybe you don't feel like making efforts rn. Maybe you can write a journal, diary entry about all the things you want to say?

It's also ok if you want to do absolutely nothing. I think I am feeling like that today.

I might feel better later on.

It's really hard. I will let checking in here trust & over the next few days.  I am grateful that you trust me enough to share with me. You have helped me too. The word that comes to mind when I think of what I know of you is sober. You have a great perspective on life that sees a HUGE picture. I like reading your comments.

If for any reason over the few days, I won't be around - I will message you & let you know. But I should definitely be here. 

Trying my best to keep you and me & apple - (& all good souls) in a very special, sacred high & secret place. xx

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

You are going through a lot of tender, raw and intense feelings.  I sense you are so on edge I am unsure what to say.  Feeling and BEING emotionally alone is hard. Being in a space with other people without genuine connections is not sufficient to feel a sense of belonging. It is almost as if the staff are focussing on the "symptom" and over analysing it and even exacerbating it, but not dealing with causes.  The "safe" conversation has almost become meaningless, disconnected from authentic feelings and intentions.  

I feel like screaming that they are doing things wrong, but my hysteria will not help so I try and keep calm but keep advocating. Have you looked at any of the DBT stuff.  I cannot afford to do it, but there are things online about emotional regulation.  My brain and body have become so warped by long exposure to many different sh situations I am easily triggered but have developed my own weird coping skills, to deflect the urges. (My sister and I put so much of our money to mental health, I am finally allowing myself to spend it on normal things for my own pleasure.)  Pleasure and pain can be flip sides of the sensation of being alive. Gardening and music help me a lot.  What appeals to you to develop as a bigger side of your life? The people stuff we cannot control, but there are ways to become more comfortable with our solitude and do things simply because they have meaning ...

It was really nice to feel I had friends sending me well wishes as I went for my weekend (it was a music festival) and friends to come back to, who care about how it was.  For me it is huge as I am a senior and it is the first time in my life I have had that. People who even noticed I went.  I also have a few people in my church who I know will love hearing about the trip and me showing pictures.  

So a big thank you @EternalFlower for being you and caring.

 

[Appleblossom]

@maddison 

"Trying my best to keep you and me & apple - (& all good souls) in a very special, sacred high & secret place. xx"

Beautiful. I feel it. Thank You.

[maddison]

Thankyou @Appleblossom 

& Thankyou for all your comments to me & others recently. I haven't replied to you on here, but maybe you already know I'm replying as I read them! 😊

I agree with all the things you have written & I'm thankful because you can express your ideas, with less words & offer greater clarity, in relation to things I am trying to express.

Both you & @EternalFlower are able to express things differently than I can - the same vibe! - but I really appreciate your clear descriptions.

I think you have probably gained much wisdom - that I don't have yet. 

The different perspectives from the same perspective - really help. That sounds complicated, but I think you get what I'm saying.

[Appleblossom]

@Historylover I was supporting music in the regions ... edit ...It was HEAVEN ... sort of.  The musical side ... though I also have  nuanced appreciation and I like the passing of notes to be slow enough to savour.  There were many world class artists so it was really good to feel Australia is doing good culture.   No more cultural cringe.

And we had 3 real sheep for "Sheep may safely graze".  Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi! Had a chat with the farmer who brings them in a few times per year for spesh occasions.  Different sheep This time he had a pregnant mama and 2 of her big lambs.  cant share pics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVVd-gjR8Qk 

There was also the social snobbery realities among many many fine interactions with people.  In general I prefer the artists to the audiences. I had a long conversation with a retired biomed academic type .... all I will say is hmmmmmm .... it is important we do not place medical practitioners on the level of god. It is our individual health at stake ... and general societies health ... yes there are areas of expertise ... but not sure they are as certain as some pretend ...  the application to human physiology is complex no matter the latest published papers... yes and there is the pressure to "look good" in that field which may influence ... "the established science" ... hmmmm.  Appearances can be deceptive.

So the tension between what is good and worthwhile and what is not ... is always there. 

Still well worth going.  Son had house to himself and it gives me something else to talk about than mental health ... 

@maddison @EternalFlower not sure if classical music is your thing, but the thing I do learn is that "pleasure/pain/beauty" can be enmeshed as many things in life are ... it offers a witness of the embodiment and expression all things human, from despair to joy. It is just a deep part of my famiiy experience.  My sister played the Pachelbel Canon on a psych ward piano, but when we left the nurses sedated her ... now what was that about??? She had seemed sad but reasonable. I was about 24.  I was just happy to be sharing something with her.  We were both sitting on the stool, talking about it, it was not all pretentious.  We were told .."not to worry" by the nurses.  I am not too trusting of the services when I am at my most suicidal, they do not have a good track record with my family.  Yet there are good individuals ... everywhere.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvNQLJ1_HQ0 

Find your own paths ... do not give up hope. Or if it is low, find a little hope in your little toe (or some unique embodied quirk) as you take each step.  Projection is a great fancy word Eternal Flower.  Find at least a room in all the mental chatter where you can find peace and open the conversation with yourself about what would be good for you.