Hi, I have been reading a few stories about of people’s lives and it has resonated with me so thought I would share mine. Maybe in the hope that somewhere out there will understand. I feel this forum may help.
My darling husband of 12 yrs has been destroyed and ruined by mental illness for 50 yrs. he is well medicated and largely stable but his memories at the hands of the mental health system from decades ago and the cruelty of his elderly mother are haunting him more and more. Mainly in the form of Paranoia and inappropriate outbursts of rage and jealousy. As goes with this life I am his only friend and up until now I have always been able to talk and walk him through the maze of hatred for people and manic behaviors but I feel I am losing my own strength to do so. I am so very tired physically pinging from day to day suffocating in his personality and lonely.
I am here, I love and adore my gentle empathetic husband but his traumas and baggage from a very cruel treatment in phsych wards of old and his mentally ill narssacistic mother are I’m afraid going to break me. We are generally very quiet, peaceful, country people and live simply and easily although money is tight as I am physically disabled and cannot walk, he has not been able to work for 8 yrs. He is extremely intelligent and was marking exam papers university level and was on staff but can no longer be a part of that world. Instead he has filled the void with the uglier part of social media and his opinionated disturbed views are at times crushing us. That’s when I beg him to stop.
He is becoming more and more resistant to me as he sees it as some way out of his own head. His rantings are becoming very delusional and he has been banned from several news platforms that in the past have been very good for intellectual stimulation that I cannot provide at such a high level. The academic world itself has a fine line that If crossed itself wipes people out as being mentally ill and therefore no longer viable. His interests are in political history and psychology he has a double degree with honors in both but was never able to complete his PHD due to the stresses and traumas of mental illness taking away his opportunity to extend the time frame of completion.
My world is spinning sometimes 20 times a day trying to follow and keep track of which direction we are going but mostly by the end of the day ending in my complete exhaustion and crying on the inside. I’m am unable to remove myself due to my own physical restraints of pain inability to walk further than the letterbox and Seeking help is difficult as his superiority leaves us on the fringe. His trust of phsychology has been broken many times after decades of innoprpriate treatments in the 1980s locked in wards but being allowed out on day leave to attend university. Somehow we just keep going. Happiness in the earlier part of the day but by nightfall misery brought on largely by the internet and his addiction to Facebook. Thankyou for listening just looking for support and maybe a little bit of a shoulder as mine are hurting. Maybe someone out there will understand. In hope.
