Ups and Downs of Husband`s Mental Illness

[Former-Member]

Hey @NikNik

Sorry to ruin your multimillion idea, there are aps out there already. Have seen references to them but have not tried any. I don't think Mr Darcy would use one. He doesn't use the breathing one his psychologist put him on to. As it is I fill out all the info on the paper one we do for Mr D with the exception of the mood rating which he does.

@Determined, do write those questions down, don't be afraid to ask. There is very little the docs have not heard. I couldn't get a satisfactory answer in relation to one drug that was offered and did not want to put Mr D through yet another drug trial unnecessarily so have put it in hold. I have had to raise some personal matters too as things went pear shaped in the bedroom.

Can tell Mr Darcy is not going to self soothe this evening, half suspected it.

Take care
Darcy

[Determined]

Thanks @Former-Member

Sorry Mr Darcy is having a hard time tonight, trust you can both get through it and it is not too big a night for you.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member, love your new profile picture xx

@Determined, Did you say you are having a little Bub soon

Hello @NikNik, @Appleblossom, @Mazarita xx

[Former-Member]

Hey @Shaz51
Feeling the love from the West. Thinking of things to be grateful for at the moment and beautiful people such as yourself are at the top of the list this evening.
Darcy

[Determined]

Hi @Shaz51

LOL already have a little bub (16 months old now).
I hope there is not another on the way. As nice as it would be not sure if that is what we need at the moment.

[Determined]

Hi all

So, I don’t know if this is the right place to post this or if it should be a new thread but just needed to get some thoughts out as I been feeling down and out about this situation for a while now. 

And as I have mentioned previously, please, I don’t mean this to be a poor me or a rant against my wife, (I love my wife), it relates to a genuinely hard time for everyone in our family, I just need to verbalise some thoughts so I can avoid getting too down and developing a bad attitude about it all.
(Its on the to do list with the councillor next week but that is a week away and I just need to get it out)

We had a family discussion over dinner tonight where one of the children commented on a family photo that was taken several years ago and my darling had a poke about how grumpy (quote ‘angry and unreasonable’) I was at that time in our lives. It is something that comes up at regular/ random times and it bothers me. It relates to a period that she resents (I don’t blame her) and I regret very much due to lost time as a family.

This time resulted in a major burnout for me from a combination of supporting my darling (diagnosed severe PND at the time), supporting my mother emotionally and practically (fell apart after Dad died and my 3 siblings buggered off and left me to it), processing the loss of my farther (something that 12 years on I haven’t properly processed- I have been contemplating doing a separate post about this? see how I go), while working 50+ hours/ week (high preassure / high stress enviornment) not to mention a whole mess of BS family politics around child rearing decisions. Also felt like mum and wife were fighting over me and making me choose between them. 

During this time, I didn’t seek any real support for myself so had a complete meltdown and ended up loosing my job. The result is that 4 years after resigning from my job because I was not coping I still feel incapable of securing any form of full time employment (I can’t even manage full time study load). Yes, I know I am studying and supporting my darling but it would be nice if I could work while looking after my darling. (Study is more about making the most of an opportunity when I can do little else than a life choice). 

It also occurred to me only in this last week that my darlings condition deteriorated markedly after I lost my job. (She could not cope with the fact that I was not working). I already feel useless most days that I can’t work to support my family this revelation just compounds things.

So back to being down about being such a bum as a husband and farther, I guess what bothers me is that at a time in my life when I needed someone to lean on myself I was being sucked dry in so many areas with little support so having it pointed out that I was not nice to be around cut a little. (eg, my darling found me crying after Dad died and lost it, apparently, I was not allowed to cry) – in her defence she was quite unwell at the time and I don’t blame her for that, just a statement of how things were.

It just seems (my perception) like all people can see is what I wasn’t doing at the time and everything I was doing wrong and not how I was sinking. I have been reflecting on this time since our little one arrived as having spent so much time with him I am seeing just how much I missed with our older 2 children but particularly our second, and it makes me angry. 

I suppose it also cuts a little more coming after a time when I have had to pour out so much energy in support in our current time of crisis (and I have no bad feelings about that, it is was it is), to be reminded again of a time that I needed support and got none kind of p***** me off.

I hate being angry and resentful and whinging, it’s just that locking it away has not helped so just wanted to get it all out. I tried expanding a little about what was going on at the but it turned into an angry rant and not what I wanted so I deleted it.

Thank you for listening.

[Faith-and-Hope]

It's no problem @Determined ....

Venting is healthy. Bottled anger becomes toxic bitterness ... Learned that the hard way at one point in my life .... now I call things like they are, and am able to say that I am angry when J am angry, and validate those feelings.

Think that's a big part of what's wrong with my WH u der earth the eating disorder .... dissociated emotional baggage.

[Anony18]

Hi @Determined - not a problem at all. We are always here to listen. As @Faith-and-Hope said venting or crying, whichever works best to let your frustrations out is healthy, irregardless of age and gender. Bottling up feelings isn't great. I found that out when I first started having to support my partner and his MI. Or should I say attempt because he pushed me away a lot and I was probably overbearing. This forum has been my saving grace to get through to where I am today. I do hope you feel you have a bit more support now than you did in the past. 

[Former-Member]

Hey @Determined
Here for you Bro,
Darcy

PS - BTW a few really good positives came through in your story, gave me hope.

[Determined]

Thankyou @Faith-and-Hope @Anony18 @Former-Member

It was actually quite hard to write as I hate moaning about the past but it did help as I actually got a half decent nights sleep rather playing the same dirty old tape over and over in my head.

Wouldn't it be nice to just write stuff like this down, burn it and never have to worry about it again. Unfortunately it is not that easy. For me it is a case of accepting what has been, learning and moving on.

Thank you for your support and everyone else here also. I have found this space to be an invaluale support over the past month or so. It has helped a lot to be able to share in others experiences and not feel so alone .

How is Mr Darcy this morning @Former-Member? I trust he was able to settle and you were able to have a restful night yourself.