Lived Experience Forum

[Bow]

I feel trapped in this shitty life. I don’t know if your allowed to swear here, I don’t normally swear, ill probably get kicked out, maybe that’s a good thing. Ill apologise if I offend anyone, but this is me, this is where I am at. Ive kept so much bottled up inside for too long and ive got to let it out before it destroys me.

Ive spoken to helplines, I don’t find them overly helpful. They let you spill your guts, throw you a few numbers and then run and leave you feeling worse. I'm waiting to see a psychologist, on a waiting list, but how long do I wait?

I don’t have much support around, I feel extremely alone in my battle. I live with my parents, one of which is terminally ill and declining rapidly and the other who is aging and has health conditions of their own. They don’t need to know about my hassles on top of what they are dealing with, so I just have to mask up and hid the fact that I am not coping with life at all. That I am deeply depressed and don’t want to be alive.  I cant be me. I cant cry. I cant spend a day in bed if I want to. I cant do anything without being asked why.

I have a daughter though.  I wish I had succeed at ending life years ago. Then I wouldn’t be in this crappy life now. I wouldn’t of married the jerk that I did. He wouldn’t of done the things that he did to destroy my life all over again. I don’t feel my daughter is safe with him, but I cant do anything about it and that destroys me. The police and child protection did nothing to protect her, I feel let down by them. I wouldn’t have to deal with my declining health battles and chronic pain. Yet here I am. Stuck between deeply wanting to end life and not being able to cause then he would win. But what if it gets too much. What if I do something in sheer desperation and its too late.

I don’t know why I say all this. Its not helpful. But maybe someone will have a magic answer that I haven’t heard yet. Maybe merely to know I'm not alone. I don’t know. Maybe ill just delete it. i apologise again.

[Emelia8]

Oh dear @Bow ... I dont know what to say, as words fail me. But I feel your intense pain, and felt a need to respond in some manner.

I guess I wanted you to know that I hear you, I care very much about what you are going through, and you are not alone in spirit.

I wish I could do or suggest something to help, as your post breaks my heart. But all I have, are a few words on a page. 😔🌺

Emelia 💓

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bow,

I can hear that today is a particularly difficult for you. Thank you for sharing your struggle with us and reaching out for support - that shows a great amount of strength. We are here for you and you don't have to go through this alone. 

Warmest regards,

SRae

[LostAngel]

I would really like to talk to you simply because I miss talking to you,barely got anything done today which felt a bit like a waste of time,I keep hearing the wind still blowing outside at times which is making me think of a BOb Dylan Song called times they are a changin or maybe the sond from Mary poppins winds in the east mist coming in  like something is brewing about to begin,would I be just chasing you again like the wind if I try to contact you again or are you too tired from possibly a long day at work to talk on the phone strange to feel both connected to some people yet still isolated from other people at the same time but I geuss life is pretty strange sometimes,honestly what would I like to say to you when we do finally talk again? probly a happy/Brave face of Im going fine how are you maybe in a way to deflect attention from myself which i feel im trying to seek at the momment strange how the weather can match your mood my thoughts feel blustery like the wind silence is sometimes my language even when Id like nothing more than to just speak with you maybe for 20 minutes it doesnt have to be for hours and I assure you that Im not following you around my whole life but that doesnt mean I dont want you to simply stilll be in my life do you miss me too ?cause if you did then I thought we would have talked properly by now,where are you dear friend ? am I in your way now? or is it because you feel youve scarificed for me and maybe it seems to you that I havnt done the same for you? please speak to me soon or else it will seem as though I am chasing you just like the blustery wind outside ,maybe I did something to hurt you? and if I have please tell me? cause honestly you did do something that hurt me too or are you just sick of trying to give effort to me cause it doesnt seem fair or something,I dont know what else to say except please stay 

[Snowie]

Hi @LostAngel 

Am around for a little while if you need a chat or someone just to sit with you.

💜💜

[Bow]

Thanks @Emelia8 and @Former-Member 

don’t know what else to say. 

[LostAngel]

thanks @Snowie feel like with one person at the moment Im communicating by not communicating and possibly vice versa ,sent a message to the person then I deleted it just like they did a bit back could 2 people have the same problem of not being able to talk to eachother even if they might want to see how the other person is? Ive talked to most others fine just this one person its like silence is the way we talk sometimes maybe too much geussing games on both sides talking by not talking what is it where both trying to say but just dont? hope that makes sense Snowie thanks

[Snowie]

Yeah it makes sense @LostAngel 

Must be a hard situation to be in.

[LostAngel]

am I scared? scared of not having control? control over my life? if someone loves me does that mean Im giving control of myself to them?scared of being unwanted? scared of being ignored?

[Snowie]

@LostAngel hoping you are ok💜💜