When your family doesn't approve of your partner. And wants me to date someone else instead.

[amonamus1997]

I'm new here so hi.

I have recently rekindled a relationship that started 6 months ago. We initially met in uni 5 years ago and were close friends but fell out of touch when we graduated. In January, following a CPE class where we reunited, we started dating and spending nights together. We kept it secret until last week.

While B*s family is welcoming and supportive of us, unfortunately my family doesn't. My parents are disappointed and even hostile to B, acting rude and hostile to him, not smiling and greeting him, questioning his job and income, and even looks. My cousins, uncles and aunts have made it clear he was not invited to our dinner parties, citing 'moral concerns' (they are devout Christians) They have repeatedly 'voiced their concerns' to me if he has 'done anything harmful' to me, which I swear he has not. He has treated me with utmost respect and care.

At the same time B and I started dating, my parents had tried to connect me with J*, a Chinese-born Christian doctor with a rich income and luxury persona, putting us up for dates. The first time I met J* (before reuniting with B) he's not a bad person, but it was clear we do not match. Besides, I felt he didn't care much about me and talked mainly about himself and disapproved of my own lifestyle. 

B is a white Australian. He has a gentle, introspective and compassionate personality. We are both massage therapists, but he is a visual artist, musician, and deeply involved in alternative/natural medicine. To the point where some of his views can be considered controversial. He is also outspoken about his political views (leaning towards left-wing), which is a real turn off for my conservative family. I am by heart, a creative person too, being an artist, musician, and writer. We love visiting galleries, concerts, talks and doing yoga/meditation together. We have so many things in common together, and feel we are an excellent fit for each other.

His family, who have similar views, are so loving and welcoming, they have invited me to their gatherings, and allow us to babysit their nieces/nephews. It is very sad that my own family do not do the same. My parents, cousins, aunts, uncles and J, they treat B as dead and are trying to pressure me to 'change my mind'. It is extremely exhausting and I feel so overwhelmed trying to explain and defend our relationship. I am also very angry at them for being so narrow minded, especially when their religion is all about 'following God and loving others', yet shut the door on B because he is different.

I understand this is a public forum, and opinions are welcome. However I ask that you please be respectful and considerate as this is a personal post.

[AlwaysMyself]

Hi @amonamus1997 ,

That sounds very stressful having your family try to discourage you from dating someone you feel is a good match for yourself and your values. Im glad to hear his family is supportive.

I am sensing you have a strong connection and desire to be accepted by your family still, rather than choosing to distance yourself from them until they choose to respect your autonomy and decisions. Is this correct?

It is so hard when those we love do not accept us and our rights to independent choices in life. We can't make them change their minds, and as you say it can lead to exhaustion and other negative emotions if we try to keep explaining our perspective again and again.

[WaveGoodNight]

@amonamus1997  you are bearing a heavy weight.

Can I ask if B' can just be your friend or do you feel he is the one you always want to be with. Not a question you need to answer its just a thought.

It's hard for families to relate to your partner if the views are totally different and if not fixed or compromised can lead to real difficult issues which will put you in the middle.

He sounds like an awesome friend someone you can trust and very reliable which even your parents can at least appreciate but as a partner this is where it gets tricky. It's your life but it's also your family.

I'm sure there could be a happy medium but who will compromise. 

I think you can either hold your ground and show your family why b is good for you and win over your family's trust or you stay friends and as friends win over your family's trust and then start a fresh.relationship with b again after your family sees what a great friend he is to you.

Remember it's the relationship that is causes the strain, if you were not in a relationship you family wouldn't care too much.

I wish you the best, the good news is you currently have both b and your family it's not perfect but you are not that far away whatever you decide you may be able to get a great outcome from this just respect everyone and compromise if possible, it would be great if b can become a part of your family without the hate.

Best wishes for all

[amonamus1997]

Hey, sorry about the late reply. I have been experiencing growing strain and distance from my family, especially about religion before I started my relationship with B. While my parents and family obviously want me to distance from him, they are also wanting me to still be part of the family. 

I have ended up not going to dinners/gatherings/services anymore as a result. They have been trying to convince me to go, but I'm refusing to go. It's not easy fighting with your own family.

[amonamus1997]

I'm not sure whether B and I will remain in a long-term relationship, but we've always had many things in common and feel most comfortable with each other. 

For now, I'm focusing on B and his family instead, until my family can change their perspectives of him and open up. 

[rav3n]

hey @amonamus1997 lovely to have you on the forums! 

just popping in to share a quick tip around posting - you can tag members you are responding to by using the @ symbol and typing their username and selecting it so that it turns blue. this will notify that member that you've responded to them.

@WaveGoodNight and @AlwaysMyself, above responses from @amonamus1997 are for you 😊 

[WaveGoodNight]

Yes @amonamus1997  it’s never easy when you disagree with your family, and focusing on B is giving you some freedom and taking a bit of the stress off. It’s wonderful that B’s family is so supportive, that must be a really comforting feeling

You’re right about many things, and one thing for sure is that the bond you have with B is special. You most likely have a friend for life regardless of what your family thinks, and there’s a real possibility of much more , ideally with your family’s acceptance.

I think you’re handling it well. Just remember to remind your family that, even though you may disagree right now, you love them no matter what. Let them know that in this crazy world, having someone like B , someone who cares for and respects you , is something they shouldn’t be afraid of.

Whatever happens, I hope you keep holding onto the people who make you feel safe, valued, and truly yourself.

[AlwaysMyself]

Its definitely not easy fighting with family whom you still love @amonamus1997 . However hopefully your respectful, peaceful but clear stance that B is important to you and that accepting you (for gatherings, etc) also requires accepting B, will perhaps help them evaluate their own choices in the matter (their refusal to allow B) and whether that is more or less important than having you attend. In the short time they may still be hoping you "cave in", but as time goes on they may realise that is not happening. But gosh it can be hard in the meantime!

I like @WaveGoodNight suggestion around continuing contact with them to remind them they are still important to you and you love them (assuming this is true - i assume the reason you care what they think/accept is because you still love them and want to be included/accepted in both families?).

Out of curiosity, what would happen if *you* invited your family (or even just 1 family person?) for a coffee/meal/outing with yourself and B?

Would they accept or decline? If they accepted, would they be outwardly friendly to B? Or openly critical of his different views?

(I guess I'm wondering if that could be a way to slowly help them get to know B and thus maybe accept him more as they see how the two of you are happy and supportive together..)