Suicidal thoughts

[332]

Hello,

Im new here and I joined because it was recommended to me as a peer support chat group. I want to feel less alone with the thoughts I’m having of wanting to end my life; Has anyone else lived with suicidal thoughts for most of their life?  I started having these thoughts when I was 25 and I’m now 54. I’ve survived nearly 30 years of wanting to end my life (on and off, with some large gaps in between), but each time the thoughts come back I say to myself “this is it.This time it’s over.” The suicidal thoughts always seem to come when I’m in a relationship and feeling unsupported and trying to avoid criticism. I have Autism and ADHD, and depression, anxiety and cyclothymia. I’ve set myself high standards in the past and have tried to impress or please others. I’ve also judged my own worth on what I achieve or produce. My most recent collapse into suicidal thoughts has followed a 12 month period of me trying to taper my SSRI and have also stopped a mood stabiliser. I’m in anew relationship which has been challenging. A therapist tried to enemy to be on my own but I couldn’t help myself. I fell for the familiar feelings of comfort and the dopamine release of meeting someone new and getting to know them. My father died one year ago and I’ve moved house. I’m going to see a mental health specialist at the local hospital tomorrow, and my GP on Monday. I will most likely start meds again.

[holdinghope5]

Hi @332, welcome to the forums space. We're glad to have you here.

For some, suicidal ideation can be chronic and exhausting, but with the right tools and support, it can be manageable too. I'm sorry to hear how overwhelming this has been for you. You've shown a lot of strength in reaching out here today. I wanted to check in to see if you're able to stay safe at the moment?

I see that you've mentioned that relationships, criticism and lack of support have been triggers for you in the past, and that you've recently entered a new relationship. Is there something particular about relationships that leads to those thoughts?

I'm sure that the community (and I) can relate to setting high standards for ourselves, which can be tough to deal with when we're unable to meet those expectations. At the end of the day, we are only human, and not meeting those expectations doesn't make us failures or less worthy. We deserve to be kind and gentle with ourselves, just as we're kind and gentle with others.

Please know that you're not alone. The community is here for you.

[332]

Thankyou, I appreciate your support. Yes,I am safe at the moment. I think what’s particular to relationships is that I’m forced to confront my flaws and faced with the reality of needing to change my ways. I am not comfortable with change. In relationships we need to give ourselves fully and be patient and caring. I don’t always feel like being that person

[rav3n]

hey @332, it's nice to meet you!

been reading your posts and honestly, relationships can be A LOT of work. so it makes a lot of sense why it would feel overwhelming at times! i think that's why i find myself avoiding them at all costs, i'm not ready to handle the change and compromises that might come! maybe one day i'll be ready... but not today!

i think with any relationship, there needs to be a balance. are you always the one changing, or is your partner also making changes to accommodate your needs too? it's okay to admit that you're not ready to be that person to someone. i am curious to know, how do you find other relationships? like friendships, do you find them overwhelming as romantic relationships?

[Till23]

Hey @332 

I think there are quite a few people on the forums who have lived with chronic suicidality.

I think these other people may have different diagnoses, but still feel a kind of wish not to be here. I am older than you and have felt this wish on and off (mostly on) for over 40years (close to 50).

I can see you have been pro-active in trying to do something about your thoughts by reaching out to mental health specialist and your GP and also these forums. It also looks like (I might be wrong here) you are open to starting/changing medications to support your recovery from an increase in your thoughts. So it seems like you are taking multiple positive steps despite having a few recent/current life challenges - death of a parent, moving house, new relationship, change in medication

I hope you will be able to feel less alone by reading other people's stories and comments and possibly chatting to people

[332]

Thankyou for showing you care. I find friendships difficult too, and have one close friends who has kept in touch with me all through the years. She totally understands me and has a busy life and lives in another city. When I was young, I was often told I was antisocial and could never meet the needs of friends who wanted to hang out all the time. I just wanted to be at home where I had a lot of quiet and space. Conversely I often found myself bored but being around friends was a more daunting prospect.

yes, my new friend does try to change to accommodate. He is very self aware, but I don’t think I can meet his needs. 

[tyme]

Welcome to the forums @332 ,

It takes a lot of strength to reach out and share. 

I think there are a lot of people who can relate to being anti-social - I know I can. It was my happy place for a long time - until it's not.

I hope you find the support and connection on the forums helpful!

[332]

Thankyou for sharing your experience. I appreciate this. How do you cope when having these thoughts? Thankyou

[tyme]

Hey @332 ,

Just a quick note that you can tag members into your post so that they get a notification of your post and they won't miss it.

You can do this by typing "@" in front of their name e.g. @Till23 

@Till23 , see the post above 🙂

[Till23]

@332 I can understand the feeling of wanting to have your own space and quiet. I live by myself so it's pretty easy to get that quiet at home especially since my neighours are not really close to my house either.

I am an introvert so I find being around a lot of people daunting.

I also move when I was in my 50s so I am away from people that I was friendly with in my previous location.

Making friends is hard when you are older.

I joined a sport club in last couple of years which has helped and I've recently taken up social table tennis. There are crafts and things you can do and you can just be in contact with people for a couple of hours in the day for connection but still have lots of your own time.

Do you have any pets, they can help with feelings of giving up