Hey folks
Just did gym . Getting coffee now.
Lots of things happening up above me. Work is stupid - management are completely useless. Concerns fall on deaf ears, they are stupid. "Oh yes we will look into it".
Not my cup of tea anymore. Making plans to get out next year already. The job itself is very on and off again. One day it'll be crazy. The next it'll be chill. I can't handle that. Thought I could. And I could. But it turns out I can't handle that when management are so useless.
I think I'm realising I have capacities and capa ilities beyond what I thought I had. It's a cool thing to experience. I know that if I don't at least try to move to something else then I'll decay. I can't have that. That's a fear that's pushing Mr. The thing that's pulling me? Challenge but also meaning in what I do. If it comes to it, then I'll take any Jon I need to. But I'm not about to give up on myself.
My partner is supportive but fights her own battles. As do I. I think this is what makes our relationship good and one of mutual understanding.
I think doing shift work has taught me a lot. I've learned how far I can push myself. The fact I can do it now with no hesitation is a sign of just how far I've come. I remember how bad it was at the start. admittedly I kept a lot of that under wraps to myself and didn't post here much. guess I just didn't have time.
the beauty of my situation now is that I've mastered yet another thing that I was somehow irrationally convinced that I couldn't do. so I've done 2 things - proven my own self doubt wrong while simultaneously learning/building a skillset or knowledge base of my own abilities.
so where to from here ?
well I've met my partners sister back in her home country. we spoke on face time last week. her sister is cool. her mum and dad now know of me too. the 2 moments were surreal. but I loved it. it isn't just a "oh hey this is bf". it's more than that. her culture is like that, but she doesn't like it. but I guess when you love someone you kind of don't care about culture.
people are coming and going in my life now. but that has always happened.
today I am headed to library to work on an application for a job I feel I can do. I may not have the exact qualifications to make me a strong candidate but I don't care. I will use chatgpt to help me write a cover letter. make sure itsoinds like me ofc. then will come up with a plan to enact for job search throughout my industry. Then I'll watch John verveake. He's a fascinating guy and had a religious crisis in his teens but came back to faith in a way. bit like me
I applied to masters, got in, got a supported place (50% off cost), got credit for previous study, meaning it's even cheaper by about 66%. I was smart and accepted the offer but withdrew my studies. so the supported place is still there. in the end I decided to leave it for now due to the dramatic nonsense at work. wise move.
I realised too that I am unique and I love this. be unique in a world of similarity. the chaos in me will give birth to a dancing star, those who critics me for dancing can't hear the music.... not my problem... to paraphrase nietzche
the worst thing I can be is my worst enemy. the best thing I can be is a friend to myself.
on the scale of juvenile delinquent to high functioning high performing individual I fall on the latter.
@Shaz51 @Jacques @TAB @Appleblossom @BlueBay @Bill16 @outlander @Meowmy @StuF @Snowie @Faith-and-Hope
