Hi @Former-Member
I certainly don't read all the messages in the forum but I certainly don't think you're a trouble-maker - you are more concilatory I think - you really care about people and life has dealt you a tough hand - and I care about things like that
It was a really hard thing tht your first boy-friend died so young - and yes - what would life been like for you had that not happened? One can always wonder - my first really significant death was the young man I worked beside - we shared a lot of the same work and we were together 8 hours a day every week day and when he died in an accident too - I was so shocked - it was so sudden - yet at home my mother didn't want to talk about it. I realised years later than we were together more than we were with any other person during our waking lives and after so many years and many more losses I know that was a huge thing to happen and lack of parental support was unfair.
What else could have happened? Who knows - I was engaged to be married and left that company some time later - my life would have been much the same regardless - and I pushed my grief away but it was still there and I had to deal with that first death as well as my son's death when the time came
So I ask whether being a date and numbers person is a good or not-so-good thing - and it is what it is - and I would rather be the way I am than the way my mother was - which is a hard and cold way to live - I would rather feel what I feel
And yes - I have had a lot in my life - and a quarter of a year remembering one cold and bleak late autumn and early winter and feeling equally cold and bleak every year since is something I don't want to do any more - grieve my son - yes - that's honouring him - but all the other stuff that went bad that year - because other people behaved badly - and other things were really tough - no - let's not - it's over now and nothing can change the past and I can only accept the way things went
The thing to remember is that we are all different - and we live life as we can - the best we can - and accepting the past is a huge step forward
I was asthmatic yesterday - I think the cold and damp weather in Melbourne caused that and it has passed now. I am having an MRI this morning and it is really time I started to get ready - gee - that was quick - this time last week I wasn't even thinking about it but decided to change my plans because they didn't feel right -
All the best today Sherry - you are a good friend and you are having a tough time - I did read your thread yesterday - such a lot of sorrow - I do hear you - but be kind to yourself - you didn't cause those things to happen - it just is a fact you feel things more
Sending hugs
Dec
