Thanks so much for your posts over the past week or so @Molliex @Appleblossom @Bunniekins @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @outlander @eth @Shaz51 @CheerBear @Maggie @BlueBay @Owlunar @Gazza75
@Peri As you posted to my other thread ... yes I too would love to meet while in WA and have a nice cuppa and a walk somewhere. We could chat and maybe have a good old cry together. Or talk about happier times where everything looked rosy and life seemed so carefree and happy. Lovely thought, but of course thats only a dream, and sadly not possible.
@Former-Member I love the picture, thanks heaps. I find it to be very significant, as in flowers can still bloom even in the rain. Or we can all still survive even when the darkness seems to envelope us and we cannot see a way out. Its signifies hope to me. So thank you.
@Maxi7 thank you so much for your message this morning. That was so lovely of you and I very much appreciate it. Your advice is sound and your kind words touched my heart. I'm very grateful. I have seen many beautiful very insightful posts around the place from you, so I thank you for that too. Its really good to have you here and seemingly settling in well. Giving lots of encouragement and providing wisdom where its needed. Hopefully receiving the comfort and support you need as well.
Bit of an update for you all.
On Friday I posted a message here saying that I could no be here right now. That was definitely true at the time ... I'd had enough, everything was piling up on me. I felt like just one more thing to go wrong or one more knock to my self esteem and confidence and I'd be outta here. My thoughts and feelings had reached fever pitch, lack of sleep was playing havoc, this upcoming interstate trip to visit hubbys family means so much to organise and prepare. Nothing is easy when it comes to travelling with a sick husband. My brother in law was taken to hospital last week as well and its been hard to obtain any real information, other than that he was in ICU. My husband had a couple of really bad days on Friday and Saturday, and it was looking like we would have to cancel our long awaited trip. As I said .. everything was building up. Then I made another error here (on my carers thread) ... well ... things just escalated from there.
So, since Friday, I have been diligently preparing a Safety Plan for myself. @Former-Member and @Former-Member had emailed me a template to work on last week, and asked if I would like to complete it and send it back to them. I completed it yesterday, and although I havent sent it through to them as yet, I likely will tomorrow.
I've read through my safety plan numerous times now. Looking at my list of warning signs ... I can realistically say yes to all of them. There are many and I'm not going to go into them all here. Not a great sign I guess. But at least I've identified and written down what I know are my warning signs, things which have tipped me over the edge in the past. Now hopefully I can take necessary steps to make sure things dont escalate further.
My reasons to live ... well thats complicated, and I wont disclose that here. So too is Making my environment safe. Lets just say that living rurally means I have ways and means which are readily available. Mainly I just need to exercise restraint and try to ensure things dont reach that point.
Things I can do myself --- Craft, Art, Movies, Music, Reading, Crosswords and Sudoku, Gardening, Keep Holly close and/or take her for a walk and lots of cuddles, Cup of tea in warm sunshine, Breathe.
Connecting with people or places? Difficult one as I dont have friends and do not burden family members with my troubles. They have enough to worry about. But I do have here, my forum friends ... you guys are great. I know I need to stay connected, and I know you all understand and are always kind and caring. I need to learn not to isolate or c*t myself off from everyone, despite the strong inclination to do so when the going gets tough. I should also not make the mistake of assuming that I'm not wanted, or that people are better off without me around. Nor should I put myself at risk, or go down the line of my usual "devil may care" or "nothing to lose" attitude. That can really get me into trouble, in more ways than I want to go into. 😔
I have been utilising the online chat services a bit over the past week. The Sane chat has been good actually, and it seems to be operating a bit more regularly of late. Luckily for me, I've been able to get on there most times I've tried.
So ... here I am, back sooner than I usually would be under similar circumstances. I am trying to follow my own Safety Plan, and being here is one of my go-to strategies. I have a way to go, but I need to make every effort to get through. People here in my RL rely on me, and its just not all about me. In fact, I want to take ME out of the equation entirely for now.
Sherry 💕
