rough time

[outlander]

i would @Snowie@Sans911 but i dont even really know where to start. it really just feels so heavy and tiring and too much

glad your sweet smelling now @Sans911

[Sans911]

@outlander- it's ok sweetie. Do you want to do a relaxation exercise with me, or shall I just sit with you?

[Snowie]

Thats ok @outlander 💜💜

[outlander]

It is just so hard. I feel like im being crushed under everything  and all the pressures i feel between taking care of sisters, working (both of them) and doing my own horses, trying to manage everything all at once its really.... hard. I havent been sleeping, but I am so tired and if I do sleep its not much or I wake up feeling worse. For the last few days ive been all over the place in my own head between mini panic attacks and not being able to breathe properly, crying or feeling numb its really bringing out my own emotional turmoil and those horrible thoughts of why im even alive.

A thread I was in the other day I was rattled by and I was really glad they opened up but it was really hard to hear some things too. Ive been trying to just relax abit or I distract myself by being on here and talking to everyone else so I get out of my own head.

I am in one of the cant breathe modes but with tears. It is just really hard right now.

@Sans911@Snowieand everyone....

[outlander]

sorry, im so sorry i wish i could delete that, i shouldnt put it on you guys 

[Snowie]

@outlander you are not putting it on us. Obviously you needed to get it out so vent as much as you want/need.
I think i know the thread you mean and if it was that than yes, it was really hard to read.
You are tired and not ok atm abd that is okay to be like that. We are here to support you hun, so vent as much as you want. Hugs sis 💜💜

[Sans911]

@outlander - you have so much going on in your life. I'm surprised how you manage it all. I can understand why you feel overwhelmed by it all. I don't know how to help that much in a practical sense, all I can is support you and encourage you to try to get a balance in time that enables you to manage everything without feeling so distressed. Crying is ok hun, nothing wrong with that. And you're feeling suicidal because you're overwhelmed and not coping. Can you maybe call the SANE HC?

[Jupiter]

have just sent you a check in email @outlander

[Sans911]

@outlander - we're always here for you as you are for us. It's no problem lil Sis

[outlander]

Thanks @Sans911@Snowie@ it means so much to me that both of you are here but also no pressure eithe

I dont like venting as much anymore, its easier for me to shut down and try to ignore it and when i start i end up crying and emotional. Hasnt really been helping all that much. Yes you know which on Snowie... im refferring to as we talked on a separate thread. Just made me really teary to think that sometimes we cant cant help and it doesnt matter what we say it might just be too late. I am super tired which I know isnt helping but I just cant sleep. Even though im tired and want to sleep im always awake or only sleeping in short bursts.

I know its ok not to be ok but it is just so hard and its breaking me im really trying to grow and learn from it but it its just to hard right now.

In a way im use to it but it seems the pressure is building and building up, and I know lack of sleep at all. You guys are helping me by hearing me, I dont need magical words to make an impact just knowing that someone out there cares even just a little bit.

I dont really know what to do in this situation, I dont know whether to take you up on that relaxation with you Sans or distraction or talking it out more. I am really not sure.

@Jupiterr ill log on and respond more from there..