Coming to terms with reality

[eudemonism]

Suicide gonna solve all my problems. And i prefer that option. Over being property of the state for the rest of my life. Maybe 20-30-40 years.

[Former-Member]

Hi @eudemonism,

I am concerned about your last post. I am going to send you an email to check in with you.

Talk to you soon

[Vanessa5]

Hi @eudemonism,

I know what you mean @eudemonism. At the end of the day. Life is crappy. The illness is still there and its not going anywhere. People talk about "when you recover...blah blah". I'm sorry but there is no cure for my illness. It's schizophrenia. It's stigmatised. Life's not a bunch of rainbows and daisies. Unless I get a brain transplant next week I'm not going to "recover". What is this magic "recovery" these professionals speak of? 'Off you go into the world with no hope of fitting in'. It feels like one big happy circle of pretty little feel good catch phrases thrown at you, yet none of them give you a new brain and an ability to lead an everyday functioning life. Sorry. It just annoys me - "recovery". Whatever. There's no cure and no brand new brains on offer either and they tell us to be realistic?

[Appleblossom]

@eudemonism You must have been at a low ebb to post those last posts.

I have yo-yoed ?? spelling ?? between anger and gratitude to mental health systems, for lots of reasons.

I have thought similar thoughts when seeing people well dressed and having lives which I had never been lucky enough to have, due to circumstances outside of my control.

My main weapon in dealing with negative thoughts is that it hurts me more than others so I try .... yes alll the strategies etc ... sometimes it works ...

@Vanessa5 I think that word "schizophrenic" can be one of the ugliest words in the dictionary.  I have certainly mentally fought with it and many of the implications of mi since I first heard it in my early 20s.

Take care.

[eudemonism]

Im tired of dealing with this nonsense @Vanessa5 i can barely get out of bed in the morning as a result of medication side effects. And there is really nothing out there in the world that i enjoy on medication anyway. Its kind of. Entertain the medicated zombie. So he feels mentally well type of thing. The system is broken! With out a doubt! And its a horrible system to be caught in!

@Appleblossom im hearing ya. They lure you into this desperate and needy position. Where you are weak and vulnerable and you think they are the ones who can help. When in actual fact all they wanna do is drug you up. And play god with your life. Then when you kick up a fuss and ask questions, speak your mind, and try to deal with the real issues. They turn into people who really dont care.

I have wasted so many precious moments of My life. Turning toward the system for help. Only to be met with a fear based reaction from myself which is totally justified. Then i get disappointmented when they provide this see through system based help. Which dont solve anything!

[eudemonism]

The mental health system is quite simply a case of chemical genocide that has the law on its side

[Former-Member]

@eudemonism

I am getting myself out of here for a walk then have an appointment in the afternoon

I do find it makes such a difference if I get outside and stop isolating myself no matter how angry, depressed or disillusioned I feel

the medication side effects that you feel would further serve to keep you locked away...no matter how small a walk....you get out there and feel nature which is equal for all of us..no matter how successful, wealthy, ego centric man is...nature is there for everyone ...waiting for us..allow nature, wildlife, natural beauty to nurture you through such a difficult time in your journey...

I get what you say about the system...the helpers...workers ...who all of course have to follow the rules of the system....

the whole medical world runs on understaffing and putting far too much pressure on those staff who have to run such a tight ship...the very people who take up this kind of career as they have empathy..a yearning to help others....care....this is clamped down as they have to reach targets and unreasonable time schedules

many of these people within the medical system also hate that system

my aim now...not to look back on what...when...why...how

I am asking myself...what do I want for me as a person....to assist me in escaping from my programmed thinking...

the answer is not in materialism...society...in the medical world...in others..the answer is in me

so today....living in the now...I am open

deep...yes...this is me

the sun is trying to break through...I can hear the birds...a slight breeze...nature

I am going to visit nature

speak again

speak again

[Appleblossom]

@eudemonism I dont know what it is like to be heavily medicated for a long time.  I saw it when I was 10 and visiting my father in the ward, and have always been wary, and gone for the minimum necessary.  I helped my husband come off meds he had been on for 8 years.  That was what he wanted, and was in late 80s.  I saw him yesterday and he is doing fine in his own way.  He'd just had an operation and explained he had to pay for an MRI to convince the doctors that he needed an ear operation.  He had lots health issues back then too.

The main point is that people can be diagnosed (he had Sz in Oz and US) and medicated for longish periods and still find some quality of life.  He paints, lives in country and renovated a little art deco house. Our relationship is just civil now, for my son, but for me advocating for MI will always be a passion.

I think you made an important point about vulnerability. 

Everyone is vulnerable sometimes and for different reasons, but if we are coerced into being vulnerable, needy and submission when it is not really appropriate, then, its simply not going to work. That sets up cycles of submission and anger.

Oddly enough, my grandfather and uncle also worked in the mental hygeine when I was living with them as a child so I remember the 2 days on and 2 days off, so one way oranother its been a big part of my life.

I had a tendency to submit, but also work.  I like the feeling of knowing what I am doing and being useful. Most people would. 

Having a sense of agency, helps, because then we can do what we feel is right for ourselves without the say so of another.  Like @Former-Member walking when she wants to.

One reason I needed to take time off forum is that I dont want it to be the only thing I think about, and I found it dominated my outlook, so I had to get involved with other things, but I also clung to the forum, til my computer stopped working, so that helped me take my break.

Do you have old interests or would you start something new?

[Vanessa5]

@Appleblossom,

It is an ugly word. Does wonders for the self confidence and self esteem. They couldn't have named it something nicer? It is what it is though and that's the reality of it I suppose.

@eudemonism, I am worried about you. Please reach out on the forum or call Lifeline or Beyond Blue if your thoughts of self harm do not subside. 

Beyond Blue (24 Hours a Day) - Suicide Call Back Service:   Phone 1300 659 467

Lifeline Australia (24 Hours a Day): 13 11 14

Vanessa

[Former-Member]

@eudemonism just dropped by to say hello friend

today is cloudy and cold here

sun is nowhere in sight

I am going to bite the bullet and go for a brisk walk

might get out my paint brushes this afternoon and see what inspiration comes knocking

I am no artist just enjoy being able to express my feelings in colour

You mentioned having an interest in art earlier in this thread....acrylics? water colours?

I actually did a charcoal sketch ages ago and loved the experience

hope to hear from you today....off out for my walk ...try and warm up my freezing hands and feet

can you just post  that you are ok so that I dont worry about you?

I know that @Vanessa5 @Appleblossom @Adek would all like to know how you are too.

speak again