Just checking in.

[eth]

Sending hugs @Teej .  I agree that it's probably best to discuss how you are feeling with the psychologist, especially since the book seems to be triggering a lot for you to the extent of SI.  If it were me I'd shelve it until after that discussion, but I also like the suggestion of reading it with the psychologist.

Self-blame is a beast - it took me many years until not so long ago to stop feeling it so hard and so often.  I am sure you've always done your best with what you knew at the time, and also that it's not your fault.  "Not your fault" are some of the most powerful words I've ever heard.   I've found that I have to accept there are some parts of my life I'll never truly put together, and the best I can do is try to let them go, accept I'll never finish that particular part of the jigsaw.

Sending lots of love xx

[Former-Member]

Hi All,

just checking in and signing out for the day or the week... It's time for self-care, I feel unsettled after spending probably a little bit too much time on the forum 😞 but mainly I have something really frigthening coming up and I'm scared, really scared, scared of the triggers and the memories and intense feelings 😞 trying to avoid, distract, run away and I know I need to face it.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Wishing you courage and strength for that battle @Former-Member 💜

[Teej]

Thanks 🙏 @eth , @MDT , @Zoe7 , @Appleblossom for your responses. It seems like similar messages are coming through about discussing it with my psych which I’ll do. 

@Appleblossom thank you for those pics. Both the words and picture resonated with me. I think I had started getting cocky too that I was doing better. 

Im not actually sure why I posted all that today. I have been second guessing and overthinking it since. I am so very much in my own head at the moment and pretty much suck at supporting the people who mean lots to me. I’m flipping lots and don’t feel very much in control. I’m hanging out for my psych appointment now. 

[Teej]

Hey @Former-Member ,

Take good care of yourself. I know sometimes being on the forum is a double edge sword when we are extra fragile. Sometimes it’s just what we need and at other times it can make things feel more complex. I hope you can get some good support through the upcoming things for you. I’m not sure if they are anniversary type things. They are really tricky especially in the first few years. 

If you need support from the forum it’s ok too. Take it day by day. Most importantly put yourself first. 

Best wishes. 💜🤗

[Appleblossom]

@Teej 

maybe sometimes we feel we have to do a thing properly and thoroughly and we have not done enough until we have ... read the whole book ....for example

but honestly it is only sometimes that it is essential to read the whole ...if we get a reaction ...like you described ... then I guess it might mean you are being triggered on too many levels or issues to decently manage... no sense of judgemental ... or what it should or should not be ... over load ... is overload.

here I am finally learning to honour that ... weird shifting unsubstantial thing called a feeling ....Hugs sister @Teej 

@Former-Member I have been reading your beautiful writing on the writing thread.

You sound like you have a lot of heartfelt feelings and courage. 

Hope you manage the challenge coming up.

:

the heart emoji for me is more about feeling empathy and having courage 

[Zoe7]

I would suggest you wrote all you did @Teej because you needed to get it out and also because you needed the support to sit with all that big stuff - that is a good thing - you are sharing what is happening for you, putting it into context for us and also allowing those of us here to support you. It is a privilege to be let into your world a little and an even bigger privilege to be able to support you in all this. What you are dealing with is pretty massive but you have taken so many positive steps forward of late that it is actually encouraging for others here. The Teej we see now has a greater sense of confidence - you may not see that but we do. You have been a constant for me over the last few years and provided so much support in your own unique Teej way. In all that we have been through it is hope that shines through. You are an inspiration in fighting through the insufferable, in sharing the good and the bad and helping to hold up others even when you don't feel you can hold yourself up. I don't think you get how valued you and your experiences are for others here but I for one am better for knowing you. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Me too @Teej ❣️

🦋💕 @Zoe7 

[Teej]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope , @Zoe7 , @Appleblossom  

it was helpful to read your responses. I think what I’ve learned in the light of a new day (only just awake after being awake all night again and getting to sleep at 7:00am 😳😏) is that I have so much to learn and understand. I think the emotion overwhelm and overload may be starting to wane. I think I’m going to take the day off the forum and try to stay a bit more grounded. Again thank you for your support. @Zoe7 ironically I think I feel less confident now than when I started on the forum. Perhaps I feel like I’ve developed a greater understanding and more skills. 💜🤗

[Teej]

@CheerBear 

I have a strong feeling that you would have preferred your worry room post here but felt like it was the wrong time to post it here. It’s all good. I’m posting it hear because I have a feeling the support is what you need and deserve too. 

“I feel overwhelmed. I have no idea how I am going to manage the things I need and want to do, practically and emotionally. I don't know how to be there for everyone I want to be there for and with in every way I want to be there for and with them. I am struggling to work out what is most important moment to moment. I'm struggling to think straight. I bounce from person to person and thing to thing feeling like I am not doing well enough at anything. I don't have enough to put 100% in to everything and in my twisted and messy mind me giving anything less than 100% isn't good enough. Hidden far away from my outside "I'm fine" face I feel anything other than fine and worry, constantly, that nothing I do will ever really be enough because I am not enough” 

just leaving this here. You are on a learning curve like I am. Very different ones but none the less bringing up so many feelings and uncertainty about how you get through this. The really short sucky answer is one day at a time. At the end of the frazzled days look at the human underneath and ask “did I do the best I could today given the circumstances (overtired, fried brain, too many demands etc)?” Then let the human give herself self compassion that you are doing all you can and that is enough. I think it’s the message you’d want your kids to learn too. 

How’s that for a fixit brain soap box speech :face_with_rolling_eyes:😳💜🤗😘