Just checking in.

[CheerBear]

Sometimes not exciting is kind of great as far as days go I think @Teej 🙂 Hope your mum appreciated you doing that for her.

[Teej]

She did @CheerBear.  Forgot to mention that while I was there I took some cuttings of her lilac tree. I’m going to have a go at growing. Hmmm that’s about as exciting as it got. You are right too, sometimes we crave a day of nothingness and no drama 😊

[CheerBear]

Great that she did @Teej and big yay for drama free day 🙂

Oooh that a exciting with the lilac cuttings. I didnt know they could grow from cuttings, though I don't know much about them.

Missed your post before. Quiet, blue kind of day for me here. It's nice tonight with all of us together in the lounge room tonight though.

[Teej]

That’s good, a bit of normal Cheerbear life again. @CheerBear. Are the kids ok with a quieter house....or has it become much louder again 😝

[CheerBear]

Yes some normal is good @Teej! I think the kids are OK (more than OK) with both the quiet-ish and the outnumbering me 3:1 again 😉😏

How's the rest of your weekend looking?

[Teej]

Can I ask a favour @CheerBear? 

Im not sure when you want to get stuff out or be distracted or just chat socially. I don’t want to ask because it’s not about me but I don’t want you to think you can’t ask for what you need at the time. If it’s a heavy blurt it’s all good, a distraction it’s all good or social stuff the same. Irl and on here I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and there’s not much to mistake as far as what I’m feeling 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:. I hope that’s ok to write. I understand we need all of them. I also usually need a big hint if you want someone to just listen and not try to fix things. 🤦‍♀️

[Teej]

Lol with the outnumbering thing. Mine did the pack thing soooo much. It drove me crazy. @CheerBear

[CheerBear]

I really appreciate you asking @Teej and your post thank you. I feel so confused at the moment, much more than I have for a while (which says a lot 😉). I honestly don't know what I need right now but I do know I really appreciate seeing you and others around. Even just visiting here quietly and seeing people posting all over the forum, feels good.

I'm kind of scared sometimes of blurting my feelings and thoughts out here. Part of that is because they do tend to settle (before they stir up again), part of that is this feels like it should be kept intensely private (but I question whether that is a shame thing so I just feel even more confused thinking about that) and part of it is because of what the dilemma is and how difficult it might be for some to read. Most of the time I am so glad I shared, but sometimes I have wanted to go back and not have said anything too. So jumbled Teej, everywhere, all the time 😔

That maybe doesn't help sorry 😏

[Teej]

I can relate to all you’ve written @CheerBear. Sometimes it’s so helpful having lots of input and sometimes it would be so much more helpful in a private conversation. I understand to that you are in a tricky spot just now. I think I meant my post to be a general thing like.... at the moment I need some light stuff. In three hours I might need something different. I think I really posted that to say I’ll take my lead from you. Share what you want, when you want if it’s helpful. If it adds more stress then don’t share. You get to ask for what you need most. It’s taken me a long time but I get this much more now. 

I have had some stuff id love to share to get ideas from everyone but can’t at the moment because it involves others and something that’s not known widely involving one of my kids. This is the frustrating part of the forum. 

Jumbled is so very understandable. It’s ok to be all over the place with everything. It will all work out in time. 

This week is is the first week in a looooooooooooong time I haven’t been in crisis as such. Oops not true - mini crisis Thursday night but it was a full week until Thursday that I made it. My mood is ok and I’m not quite sure what is going on but will be interesting to see how long it lasts. 😊 Thus I’m around for support in whatever form that looks like. 

[CheerBear]

On top of jumbled, I'm incredibly tired too, to the point where apparently I can go from participating in a conversation to completely out, in a flash @Teej 😉 I think I was asleep before the kids last night

Thanks for your understanding and the reassurance that it is OK to share or not. I think me sharing here was and is my attempt to ditch the shame, or at least try to. I could have very easily not told anyone, taken one path, and been eaten with secrecy and shame forever. I came looking for a few of you the day I found out, quietly and with no expectations, wanting to test the waters in a way. Feeling the support this week, whether through the kind replies and/or through the gentle encouragement under that support button, has me feeling like judgement needs to take a hike. The empathic replies and 'sitting-with-you either way' that I have felt here, feels like it's giving me armour to face a situation that in some twisted way seems to scream "judge me". I also have a habit of being extremely self-critical and self-judgemental. The gentleness and kindness here reminds me to practice that with myself too. 

It's all this

In sharing here and having it be met in the way it was/is, I found the confidence to tell a non-professional someone in my life beyond here. I was so scared because I didn't know her views on this one. She is my only pre-bigbang friend left and I was incredibly worried that it would really test the friendship. It was one of the best conversations we've had and I think it will bring us even closer. After the initial "(big word beginning with F), what are you going to do, how are you feeling, when did you find out..." stuff, and then some sitting with me in a big giant hole of overwhelm, she did what great friends do and she bagged me, asking where the heck I found the time and energy to even have sex this last couple of months (fair question haha). We laughed lots, about a lot, and it was the best 😊

So I guess that's my very long way of saying that I think the most helpful way to support me at the moment (for anyone who might want to/can) is to simply be here, and what I need most is to not feel so alone. Whether it is checking in, clicking support, dropping off some of these ❤, sharing how your own day is going, having a laugh or a quiet sit... it is all incredibly powerful and it all makes a difference. 

I'm so glad that your mood is OK and that you've had, what sounds like, a really calm week. I noticed you seeming to be having an OK time, though I was also wondering if it was that I was not able to see much beyond my own stuff to be able to pick up others struggles so well. I have everything crossed for you that it lasts. I am wondering how your upset belly is going and hoping it feels better too. I'll also look forward to hearing about the one of yours if/when you share.

I hope your day is an OK or better one. Today I will get back to usual Sunday stuff with groceries and washing. I have to make sure my car still works after two months of driving someone else's. Crossing fingers it does as first thing tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound, then an appointment with a specialist in the afternoon. It is someone who could help me with what I need to close this chapter if I want to, though I am hoping that she can help me actually work out what it is I want to do first. I'm super scared of both appointments and absolutely dreading it all. I really don't remember ever feeling quite so torn about anything before 🙁 Step by step though. 

😘❤