Walking on the road to recovery ........ 🤔

[Bunniekins]

@Faith-and-Hope That is true I always keep some talcum powder for an ant opening to block it up. Much better than using poisons I think.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Teej How did you sleep, no more crawlies disturbing you I hope?

There's an Ant Rid that I think is mostly bi carb @Faith-and-Hope, I understand that they more or less explode some time after they eat it. Not sure if that's true, but if you keep it fresh, it does seem to reduce their numbers. 

I'm spraying with deodorant in a little while @Bunniekins I'll keep you posted with the results. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

That’s how I feel @Bunniekins ..... however we tell the ants that they are not welcome here, as long as they get the message, it’s all good ..... but I reach for non-toxic stuff as much as I can.

[Appleblossom]

@TeejOh @Teej Oh @Teej

I am hearing the HUGE leap forward is SI has less of a grip on your mind. 

Celebrate that with a BIG TICK.

I felt a shift like that 2 years ago for me. I started to actually feel I had a future and to make little plans for MY LIFE. At times I slip back but feeling that a good future is possible for me is a good carrot to keep me chipping away at things. My bedroom is the least tidy room of the house, for some reason I did not want to face up to it until I had the time and mental space to actually make the decisions necessary about the bits and bob and papers.  Mostly its paper so its not too unhygeinic.  The ants  ... well ... bleh ... You'll get on top of them.

THEN, when you are ready that bed will come together and you will be off the floor. Swedish and low line I am guessing.  

Hey Lady that bed is actually for YOU. If you are not ready for it. NO matter. It will be comfy and cosy when you are ready.

Keep nurturing the headspace that thinks yourself forward.

[Teej]

I’m going to respond to things from the struggle thread here because it seems more appropriate.

Hi all -  @Shaz51,  @Former-Member,  @Former-Member,@Silenus, @Faith-and-Hope,  @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @Bunniekins ( @CheerBear and @Kurra but I know you’ve got heaps on your plate, more just for info)
im not going to hospital anymore which has turned out ok so far. I’ve had support from CMH to stay at home.

I have been struggling so much with things lately that cause distress so easily. Yesterday I spoke to the psychologist who knew me a bit from DBT. She unlocked part of the puzzle for me that has been causing so much distress over the last few months. I’ve been feeling better but getting distressed because decision making and prioritising has been so hard and I’ve been feeling like a complete failure and having more and more suicidal thoughts because of it. I’ve been afraid every night before my kids come home as I feel like a failure and a burden to them as I was spinning in circles faster and faster. I had got to the stage that I was taking myself out some nights self medicating so I didn’t have the pain and shame of facing them. The push to take myself out had got to crisis point.

Over the last few weeks/months I’d been trying to problem solve why I couldn’t do what others do so easily and decide or prioritise. It’s been a big part of my label of dependent personality disorder which causes so much shame. The other week in group it really became obvious as to what the problem was but not how to solve it. I am a contradiction in so many ways. My dysfunction has been at a debilitating level but when it comes to logical stuff like maths my brain just kicks in without drama. So in my group we were cooking and I had been converting quantities and had remembered the recipe from reading it. My task was to cook and share out the noodles between each group. I divided the noodles as to how much I thought each pan needed but there was some over. That’s when my decision making fell over. I couldn’t decide how to divide out the rest. I became really agitated and embarrassed and asked how to do it. The facilitator said why not do it equally and I felt so ashamed I couldn’t work out such an easy thing. It’s been playing on my mind ever since. I had got to a point I hated myself so much because of this I just wanted to die. No one can be functional like this.

Long story long yesterday when talking to the psychologist she worked out what is happening and with that came a huge relief. She went through my noodle story and told me what she expected my thoughts were at the time and she was so close to the mark it was scary. It seems I often have over inclusive thoughts when it comes to decision making meaning lots of thoughts at once coming in at the same level and me not being able to filter them, thus make a decision. This is mixed with my perfectionist streak of being so fearful of getting it wrong. What’s been happening is that now every time I need to decide something I add in my shame and then those distress feelings come in and I have managed to streamline is so much that often decision making in the last few weeks = suicidal thinking.

Ive struggled so much over the last two years knowing I’m different even on here. It helped so much to work out what has been happening. Now I have something to work with it’s been a relief. I read a little and apparently over inclusive thinking is often part of mania and schizophrenia and I know that my diagnosis probably won’t change but it was good to be able to put a name to it. It also takes away some of the shame of dependence. She also gave me some really helpful strategies to help navigate the weekend. Last night lots of suicidal thoughts still came in but I was able to manage them now that I have more hope for this part. 

Thank you all for being here and being part of my ride 💜🤗

[Bunniekins]

@Teej Wouldn't be anywhere else 🙂  INteresting you say that mania and schizophrenia (which I have - Bp and schizoaffective disorder) often correlates with being a perfectionist. There are certain things that I have to have just right and my wanting to get healthy and bring my weight down is a biggy for me. It is a visual everytime I look in the mirror.

I am so sorry you have been going through so much hell with this but hopefully with this label it has given you some kind of inner peace that you can work on. Please never feel shame or dependent on the boards, What I find is interesting is everyone has their own story but we all listen and try our hardest to help and lend an ear when someone is upset.

Very happy that you have these strategies to help you over the weekend and look forward to hearing more about your journey with your diagnosis in the future. Love gp xx

[Teej]

Thanks so much @Bunniekins

i think I’m finally starting to understand a bit more about myself which helps. I’m glad you have an understanding of these things which I know doesn’t stop them and you still need to work through them.....that can still be frustrating but hopefully way more productive than fighting it. I hope you find the right perfectionist line for that mirror too......maybe try a blanket for the mirror 😜

[Bunniekins]

@Teej  A very BIG blanket!!! or two or three!

[Former-Member]

@Teej I am so sorry that life has been such a struggle for you, and I'm so glad for you that you have found some help in all of this confusion and pain. It took a lot of strength to talk to your therapist about what was happening, and more to write about it here for others to understand what you've been going through. Thank you for your explanation and the description of what your therapist has called one of the issues - inclusive thoughts - it makes so much sense to me too. I've not heard that expression before. 

So pleased for you that you have found support. Let them help you look after yourself, and rest easy. 

[Appleblossom]

LOL Nah @Bunniekins Just a smaller mirror. 

Thank you @Teej for letting us in on your feelings and your recovery journey.  Sorry things have been so difficult atm, but glad you had a mh worker who helped unlock a puzzle.

I relate strongly to your noodle story, and I relate to feeling shame in the house with grown children and going out to escape their judgement, so though we have some differences we are not totally different.

I have been challeneged to start thinking about "what recovery means to me".  I find that really hard, as I feel I am too old to recover and my son talks in cool terms about my deterioration. Anyway I am committed to engage with positive mh services and will explore ideas and opportunities.  

Take care 

Apple