Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

I emailed a psych here this morning @Zoe7 , so getting that ball rolling.

Psych’s who have been involved with us before have begun by asking why I haven’t left .... until they get enough information happening (many weeks of appointments) to realise that I have my finger in a dyke that will flood and destroy if I walk away, and many standing with me are not strong swimmers at the moment (S2, D1, D3) or at all (D2), so what might seem like an obvious, though difficult, way out suddenly takes on a whole new perspective.  I have to be ready for the challenge of laying everything out, along with explaining what gives me to believe that this is the most likely outcome, takes a certain amount of strength and fortitude in and of itself.  

[Zoe7]

It is so obvious to us all here @Faith-and-Hope the immense strength you have to hold your family together and the way that you lay everything personally on the line for your kids. It is so difficult for you to stay but that decision has been made so much easier because of the love and care you have for your kids. They are the centre of your world and you give so much to help keep their head above water. It does come at an immense cost to your own personal wellbeing and happiness but I also see the rewards of doing that that your kids will be able to grow and find their feet also. S2 and D3 are just beginning on that road but it is from your strength and courage that they are able to do that - you showing the way with you returning to studies and thriving in that environment.

There is not much else that you can do for yourself than what you are presently doing and finding that psych will further add another outlet for that. I hope this one you have emailed this morning is a good fit for you and despite it being difficult to go over everything again it will be worth it to have that external support. You really are an amazing women Hon. You put everyone else before yourself and take such wonderful care of your family. I completely understand the sacrifices you have made for everyone else but also wish it hasn't had to be the case for you. You deserve so much more than what you are living - that is a given - but the pay off will hopefully be seeing your kids not just survive but thrive in the future. Hugs and hugs and hugs my angel - and you are my angel - you have definitely changed my life for the better and continue to do that every day for me by just being you 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thank you so much for all your wonderful understanding and support @Zoe7  .... and my other forums friends (I see you @CheerBear @Former-Member  @Appleblossom) 

What is perhaps not at all clear is that we have all bonded as a bilingual and bicultural family.  Leaving actually tears our individual and communal sense of identity apart at the seams .... effectively cutting us off from a half of ourselves.  That is a major part of the potential damage I am referring to, being forced to choose one side of our life over the other, and it’s virtually impossible.  Perhaps you can begin to see that it is much more than just our family I am needing to hold together, and it is appalling that an undiagnosed, untreated illness can have such a presence, such influence ..... but there is no way that my baby dragons are in shape to cope with this one, nor perhaps am I.

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope 

Yes I am listening, and supporting you in all that you say. Just few words from me right now.

Sherry 🤗💕

[Zoe7]

Yes I do see that Hon - and that is something that none of you should - or are prepared - to lose ...but I also see the immense toll it takes on you to keep it all together 

The different sides of all your identities are so tied up in Mr.'s illness as well - and we know that parts of that are evident in your kids - so it is not just bilingual or bicultural but also undiagnosed MI. That makes it all the more precarious and until there is a diagnois (and treatment) it will continue to pull your family apart at the seams. It is without doubt affecting the kids in untold ways as well and that is so hard to live with also - but you being the strength at the centre of your family (and that is exactly how I see you) are holding the walls up and allowing the structure of your family to remain as solid as it can be. If infact you walked away from that then everyone would fall apart - that is obvious - so whilst that would be in one way best for you it would also be a house of cards that would easily fall - such a tough place for you to be in and definitely one that you seemingly have no choice in but to stay. There is really no choice for you Hon - you are doing what you need to do for everyone - and as hard as that is for you the personal toll in seeing what would happen to your kids is worse. Soooo much admiration (and sadness) for you Hon 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thank you @Former-Member @Zoe7❤️

😔

[Zoe7]

@Faith-and-Hope 💕💛🧡💚💙💜🌹🌸�🌺🌷💐

[CheerBear]

Huge love @Faith-and-Hope ❤😔 As you know, I don't get over to the carer's forum often but I'm catching on to bits and pieces of your journey here. Super sorry that things are the way they are right now.

I feel angry for you that the question of why you don't leave is the direction psychs have taken with you initially. From my experience and understanding there is always so much going on for someone who is in a rocky relationship and leaving is far more complex than leaving (that makes more sense in my head!).

Hope it is OK to ask whether you've ever accessed or spoken with a social worker about this one? Again in my experience (and speaking generally) social workers tend to take a much broader view than psychs and more quickly too.

Big hugs to you. For what it is worth I genuinely believe whatever decision/s you're making about the situation are the right ones for you ❤

[Appleblossom]

@Faith-and-Hope 

I get your struggle.

I kept at a marriage that was not working for 16 years for the same reasons; all the interconnections in many individual people's lives.

In my case when a CATT team worker asked me after 15 years why I did not leave, I ended up deciding to leave.  Nobody had been that blunt to me, most had joined with me in my mission to make a happy family against the odds. I then did separate very slowly over a year clearly stating we were living separated under the same roof.  

Our situations are also very different. I know. My physical amd emotional health was very damaged by that time and my survival not a certainty. I made my decision, thinking that it was important for my children to have the opportunity to know me if I did survive and there had already been enough premature deaths.

In my immediate family there have also been bicultural and bilingual mini families. (Chinese, Mexican and Dutch).  It does raise the levels of difference that need to be overcome to remain united.  Some families manage it, some cannot. There are all manner of issues with different resources in human, cultural material and financial capitals.

Sorry that there is not an easier path for you no matter what you choose..  I have appreciated our friendship.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Will keep you all in the loop 💜