General chit chat

[Mazarita]

Nightie night, @Former-Member. Hope you wake up feeling refreshed in the morning. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member ...... 🤗💕

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Mazarita. @Faith-and-Hope 🙂 I'm sitting here in my warm night gown and my purple fluffy knitted bed socks - how wonderful it is to want to put cloth on my body, and not just the smallest amount so as to soak up sweat! My yound dog is curled up on the chair beside me - very subdued . . . not the norm for him at all, yesterdays forest adventure really seems to have settled him down! My little dog is laying on an office chair I use as a foot stool come computer stand - if he can't sit on the chair with me (due to the computer being in the way) he sits at my feet on the office chair 🙂

The Center of my Universe is going through a real storm, not one with rain and wind - emotional storms are, in some ways, even more devastating. Along with a tornado of 5 children, the constant gale force battering of a previous partner who has legal claim to 3 of them, the gastro swirling like a whirlpool sucking them and now 2 of the kids in, the lighting like stress of a complicated educational course, thier partner has a gambling problem and it hit like a tidal wave 2 days ago.

I've given what financial assistance I can, I don't want to give too much - the more I give the more the partner will gamble. I find it hard to understand that addiction as there is no substance involved, except of course for the natural chemical that makes them 'feel good'. It suggests something that I have thought for quite some time - the partner is not happy in their current situation.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @Former-Member .....

Strong parallels here. 5 kids, hubby with mi issues creating merry hell without realising it, and controlling in reaction to the fall-out. Not fun .....

Have bills unpaid by innattention with debt collection notices arriving .... then he pays .... grrrr ....

And my S1's wife has bipolar, and is burning thru their finances with online shopping when she is in a manic state .....

Sigh. It's surreal .....

Feel for you so badly. Take it that not all the 5 are still at home ? I have 3 here ....

I am glad you have your fur-babies and walks for comfort ..... and yeah .... snugly cloth is good too.

Make sure you are caring for you as much as anyone else. Carer's burnout is a real thing.

❤️💕

[Mazarita]

I like the image of your purple bed socks, @Former-Member. Did you make them yourself? I knit sometimes, though have never made socks.

My parents have both been compulsive gamblers throughout my life, and my dear friend around the corner from where I live has been struggling with it all her adult life too. A vicious addiction. Personally I find it impossible to engage with 12-step programs, but I have to admit that the only thing that has been helpful to either my friend or mum has been Gamblers Anonymous. In each case it has helped to rein in the out-of-control extremes of the addiction. It has taken quite some time to get to that point though. It seems very difficult to help, though providing funds as possible at crisis times can be of benefit to the family. As long as it's not the gambler who gets direct hold of it. And also as long as we are not overextending ourselves to be able to offer that assistance.

How lovely you have the companionship of dogs. Hope your day goes smoothly. 

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

[Faith-and-Hope]

There's the voice of lived experience coming in .... thanks @Mazarita. It helps that you can understand the issues at a personal level. If can be hard to see what is the best thing to do, but you have provided some direction, and encouragement that the problems can be addressed.

I try to find ways to support my son by giving practical things that might not get bought otherwise .... and we try to keep financial gifts from being available to DIL. I hope that helps @Former-Member.

And storms pass ..... and there are lulls between them .... breathe .... keep swimming .....

❤️💕

[Former-Member]

There is real comfort in being heard, Thank you @Faith-and-Hope 

My child does still have all 5 children at home, I am proud of what they are trying to achieve, but worried that they are pushing themself too far. They have their own 'brain process problems' that can lead to despair and substance abuse. I can not condem them for it, all I can do is my best not to condone it. For their whole life at home, they brought up an alcohol and drug abusive Mother, dealt with several of her abusive partners, learning saddness and fear. Yet I can see the cycle repeating.  

Have you noticed the same thing within your family? Do you ever blame yourself? Not that you should, neither should I, we do the best we can at the time.

I have a bit of scatter-brain going on, so if this doesn't make sense, please ignore it - I hope your walk went well and the fog lifted for you (that could be quite a deep meaningful statement 🙂 )

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs @Former-Member ..... 😔 ..... that is a clearer picture, and yes .... you mustn't blame yourself ..... these are currents we get caught in, and we have to keep battling to make our way back out of them.

It is my huaband's family where the cycle is repeating itself. His father was emotionally abusive, and his mother has major control issues. Both are now foundational to my hubby's e.d. and the behaviour patterns he has swung into as a result. I can't blame him .... have to get in where we can change the inner programming ..... that will be the job of treating doctors once we land him. My biggest task is trying to keep everybody stable and safe until then, to the best of my coping ability, but it's hard .... and seeing my son choose a wife who he has now become a carer for is hard too .... but that is his choice and we have to support him in it as best we can.

Keep setting that loving example @Former-Member, and I will too.

💜💐

[Former-Member]

My dear @Mazarita, I never did master the art of knitting, I crocheted (not sure of spelling even with the spell check!) a little but lacked the focus/motivation/interest to ever finish anything. But the socks are hand made, I bought them at an op shop for $1 🙂

My child's partner is not a bad person, there is a lot of good there, but this problem was firmly embedded since the day they met - 8 years ago. Though I believe they try to control this, I think it may be outside their ability to do so on their own and I also think they may feel it a weakness to ask for help. All very common I know, but heartbreaking all the same.

I feel helpless, useless; what is the use of wisdom, of knowing that this will probably not turn out well. Addiction is like a war zone, many - many do not make it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm enabling the problem, this time for instance I paid the registration on the family car. It could be seen as indirectly paying for the gambling addiction. But I couldn't leave my children without a means of transport.

Be kind to yourself for your self is the one who most needs it

[Mazarita]

Thanks, @Former-Member 

Understandable that you paid the registration, and very kind. I believe it was also helpful in a real, practical way, but understand too your concerns about enabling addiction. Not having children, I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to want to help but feel unable to fix things. My own mother has endured a lot with me. I'm so grateful we have such a wonderful friendship now that we are both a bit older. She's visiting in about three weeks, can't wait to see her. My mother would agree with this too: kindness to ourselves may be the hardest thing to do for some of us...