Hello - I'm back.....

[Former-Member]

Hugs @aButterfly - hearing how much you have going on. Money is so hard 😞 I wish that i could help more than to say that im hearing how hard it all is. I'm glad your ring arrived and that it's beautiful 🙂

[aButterfly]

Thank you @Former-Member How are you & the kids?? How is teaching??

I just paid my health insurance, which was 10 days overdue... lots of $$

I am cancelling my psychiatrist appointment this month, as it is too much $$ & I am not ready for her to approve another medication reduction. She doesn't really help me other than writing scripts & being a safety net..  I am seeing my psychologist today, who is much more helpful - just to talk to at least. I am getting exhausted with all 'therapy', but am paranoid that if I don't go my DSP will be cut off. There have been times over the years that I have only seen my GP for scripts, but this government particularly scares me....

I am due for a pap smear. Does anyone else avoid them? They are always painful for me physically & mentally - trigger memories of sexual assault... Also my GP is on maternity leave & I don't feel like seeing a 'new person'.... but I will need to get a chronic disease management plan to see my psychologist for 5 more Medicare funded visits soon, so maybe I will be brave then...

We have had to use the laundromat for 4 months apx now, as the alcoholic must of been complaining to my 'mother in law' about us using HIS washing machine (when it broke in 2015 - my partner had $$ from work injury compensation & offered to help buy one, but wasn't allowed to...) We are wasting $20 a week apx washing & drying clothes - & it is shrinking some clothes.... I am trying to gauge which clothes not to put in the dryer, but I can't even bring home ALL my clothes to hang on the line - because of the way the alcoholic hangs his clothes on the line - big gaps - using all the clothes line when he could of used 1/3 at the most... I think it is purposeful, but Matt insists he just does strange things..... Anyhow, it is so frustrating spending $40 apx on washing clothes every fortnight... I don't like to wear most clothes more than once... jeans & jumpers are okay - I handwash half of my jumpers though..  It feels dirty.... My partner said everyone likes to wear clean clothes - I felt like he was trying to make me wash less & be like him & his mum & not have issues feeling dirty... I go to Toowoomba even if I'm feeling unwell (which is extra exhausting...) to wash my clothes if I have run out of for example long pj pants... We can't even go to the closer town... 20 minutes away... laundromat, as there are a lot of backpackers who stay there who work on farms & the machines would have a lot of mud in them.... Anyhow, rant over. 

That is all I have the energy to rant about... I have many fears, worries & anxieties....

Thank you for reaching out @Shaz51 & @Former-Member

Namaste

Anna

[Shaz51]

thank you @aButterfly xoxo

I go up for my 6 monthly checkup with the kidney spcialist this thursday to see how everything is going

sending you hugs my friend

[Former-Member]

Hi @aButterfly

I'm so stressed at the moment...

I'm glad you were able to pay the health insurance, but aghhhhh about the dollars. Oh makes my blood boil a bit iwth the alcoholic being so precious and difficult for the sake of being difficult... having to use the laundromat is so hard. When i first moved out iwth the kids we didnt have anything for a bit, we had an esky for fridge and a rug on the floor for a table hehe. was picnics every day. 

im... very overdue for a pap smear and other physical issues. Last time i went to a gp (in jan/feb) he ordered a few tests (didnt even tell him about the pap or overdue IUD) and i havent been back... too anxious over it all.

rant away @aButterfly 🙂 you're allowed, and thse things are rant worthy.. and more! 

hugs

[aButterfly]

Hi @Former-Member....

Sorry to hear you are so stressed... hugs

Thanks for 'hearing' me...

I'm very tired & I'm up ready to go to yoga - the yoga teacher sub-ing today has just started making me a bit paranoid... She doesn't teach much & sometimes she is a big smile & "Hi Anna", but most of the time she just walks straight past me... last Tuesday she flat out ignored me when I said 2 things to her... Tuesdays are my favorite classes - hot vinyasa.... I counted how many times I've been to a yoga class this year on my studio's phone ap - 41 & I know I've run 6 times (4 parkruns, 2 runs by myself).... feel like I should be doing more.... I know it is more than some people.... but... my psychologist wants me to be kind to myself... so easy to say.... so difficult for me to do...

We don't have a table either - we eat on the lounge... I love eating around a table... I'm glad you have those things now. I think it is healthier for relationships & relationship with food to eat around a table. We could buy a 2nd hand washing machine, but then we would also need another 1000L water box thing (I forget what they are called - they are most often used for argiculture....) or a proper rain tank, which 'mother in law' WAS going to buy us.... as well as help us make the extra room in the container.... and build the toilet.... she became very broke last year & finally got a job... my partner's brother was helping her pay a lot of bills... she constantly worries about losing a job, because they actually do fire a lot of people at her workplace... I just hate it when she complains to me about her bills,...

Anyhow, I'm ranting... After my psychologist appointment yesterday I felt & still do feel paranoid that my psychologist thinks my problems aren't that bad at all.... I feel like I'm really unwell & people are treating me like I'm okay & I don't know how to say what is actually wrong & no one is asking the right questions...

Anyhow, I need to wake up my parnter to get ready to go to yoga - I didn't realise the time - takes me ages to write, as I constantly edit, but now don't have time to proof read again...

Primrose is on my lap/chest - in the space between laptop..... won't like it when I move!

Hugs

Namaste

Anna

[Former-Member]

Hugs @aButterfly
Sorry that there is a different yoga teacher at the moment, it sounds a bit like she has her own stuff going on and probably isnt about you (but i do get how the paranoia feels!). Hopefully you were able to enjoy the session today, i wonder what mood she was in today!
Your housing situation sounds so frustrating and source of a lot of difficulty 😞 no easy fixes there, but you do so well to manage really!
I wish you felt more heard by the psychologist, could you write to her and let her know that you're feelign a bit like that? exactly how you wrote it here? might help her to explore things a bit deeper maybe...

I hope primrose is back on your lap and keeping you warm 🙂

[aButterfly]

Hi @Former-Member

Yoga was horrible - I wish I didn't go. I'm never going when she is teaching again. The only time she acknowledged me was to touch me & be critical of my alignment. I don't need people touching me while giving me criticism... I'm sure you could probably understand why... I'm over the edge... My partner made me go to this climate change talk by a scientist tonight... Organised by vegans... Scientist okay... Agree with information... I'm converted, didn't need the information.. Didn't need all the vegan egos that were there... Even non vegans there... But so many egos.. I'm wrong, your wrong, do it this way, no do it this way... Organiser got up a few cms from my face and said "it's not all about you" she was telling us what she apparently said to someone the one time she became aggressive with someone as an activist...?? Or was it just towards me? She invaded my personal space & my mind... It is actually all about me.... If I'm the person fighting for my life... All for the sake of my partner... I am over people. I'm going to stop going to yoga for now. My partner can't drag me to more things or I will cry in public.. I wanted to run out of yoga, I wanted to cry & I wanted to run out of the event tonight..& cry. I am not okay at all. People will work it out when it is too late...

Thank you for caring @Former-Member

Katniss is on my lap. She is acting strange. I think she is sick...

[Shaz51]

Katniss is on my lap. She is acting strange. I think she is sick...--- ohhh hope not @aButterfly, maybe it is the cold my friend

how are you today @aButterfly xx

[Shaz51]

Ohhh @aButterfly, have been thinking of you today my friend , hope you are ok

[Mazarita]

Hi @aButterfly, it seems so long since we last heard from you on the forum. Just letting you know I am thinking about you and sending kindest wishes.