Thanks @Owlunar I read STEP and tried implement many ideas when my girls were young.
I was in the very vulnerable position of giving up my work and study to become a step parent with full care and custody but little authority to determine how things went and eventually lost health.
Generally I am independent, not in a wilfull way, but just because nobody else was going to do anything for me so I had to do it. One develops skills and determination. With a vulnerable biological child, though I could not push him away but let him find his path. I was so isolated during the early period of my mothering, apart from seeing a social worker in Adoptive Services for 6 months til they became frightened of being taken to court by the child's mother, I REALLY VALUE these posts.
@Former-Member
The way you talk about feelings is very helpful and makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes I use the concept of chakras but they are also loaded with cultural assumptions which can cloud true understanding. Also the moral issues around anger are different to the psychological or physiological issues. It helps me to be kind to myself about it, as I have never believed it to be right to throw anger around willy nilly. I was also raised with strong concepts of the importance of being a LADY ( in which I failed dreadfully).
On the day of the workshop with that woman I felt those burning intense feelings and had difficulty focussing on the workshop content becasue I was overwhelmed, but I did not sit on the feelings or hold them down, I found some ways to express them which was IMPORTANT.
1) I told the lady in question to grow a conscience, which was stating my expectation and not being blamey or abusive.
2) I told woman in authority I was struggling.
3) I pulled it together during tea break and had a chat with a young mum about the strength of maternal feelings and reactions, without disclosing situation to her.
4) We went to opera and at end, the mother and sister passed my son and I in our seats. The mother made a point of thanking my son a few times for being generous. I was glad that at least he got that.
Another weird thing happened at the opera. queueing for the cloak room was a conductor who had asked me to leave my church choir and with whom I had the VERY DISTRESSING flare up last Christmas Eve. At first I was shocked and he also was to recognise me, but then as he left the theatre he made a very deliberate and friendly wave to my son and I, as he never did anything like that in the 7 years I sang with him. I found it interesting. It was like he knew I was not really in the wrong and acknowledged me. That felt healing and good.
Then we briefly went to after party. It was good for my son to look at the finished product from the position of the audience and to catch up with a few people.
Yes it is the integration of mind and theory and body and heart and feeling that makes for soul.
Nothing glib there.
I was not at all vocal or assertive as a child. As a mother I found the importance of vocalising and noting an issue . .. eg to tell the kinder or prep teacher.
As a private music teacher I learned and observed students parents partners etc ... and learned ... and was encouraged to assert. In last 5-10 years I tried to apply what I had learned.
So yes. Now I can ... but it took a while ....
It is a privilege to share the journey .. a little.
I try and respect that I can extend my imagination but can never really know what another person really goes through.
Regards
