CROSS

[Former-Member]

Hello @CheerBear

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your effort and wish you well.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member

fitting in is a funny expression now that I think about it.....

I have wasted so much precious time over the years on this very subject...

I now know that I don't have to fit in as such....in fact I don't want to and if I delved deep,y enough probably actually never have wanted to......

I want to be me...this is different...always felt different...well we all are...

just because two people have the same diagnosis of an illness...disorder..whatever the latest label is for those who want to live under such...does not mean that they will get on..

might continue the subject another day...

late and tired...rambling 

[Former-Member]

I agree just because we don't have the same illness we won't get along. The same as if we are from the same family dosent mean we get along.

It's also nothing to do with being different. Everyone in the world claims to be different and unique and do things that suit them. Watch people. They all claim it even though we watch groups and they are all clones they all think they are individuals and yes they add and no they are not.

I just meh I just don't find a place where I feel accepted. I always 100% feel like a spectator. I'm like watching life happen from the outside. Dose that make sense?

[Former-Member]

I think I understand some of what you are saying @Former-Member

my understanding of what you have written is that getting on with people or not getting on is nothing to do with being different......

if we change the phrase from "being different" to "feeling different" it changes the connotation...... for myself to not fitting in (my old patterned thinking)

is this the sort of feeling that you are talking about?

what I have discovered about myself on here is that when I respond to someone often they take my meaning differently and that frustrates me at the time.....I then feel that I have to try twice as hard to explain in another way...

this is because of how I am feeling and how the reader is feeling at the time of reading my words

"feeling accepted" fits into this category in some ways again depending on the writer's meaning or feelings ...

so I ask myself ...."do I feel accepted?"...accepted as? accepted for? ...

turn the question back  at myself "why do I need or want to feel accepted? this question makes me ...mohill..tell myself that I don't.

I want more than anything to be myself and feel comfortable.....if this is not the case in any given situation....I look at why....if I am being respectful, pleasant, polite there is no reason for me not to feel comfortable being myself....

if the feeling of being uncomfortable is there....then the issue is with the other person/persons

this can of course happen on here...not necessarily intentionally on the part of the other....just human dynamics...personalities....feelings...personal issues etc etc etc

does that help at all?

I have noticed about myself that when my depression is hanging around or hovering, or holding on tightly I find it very difficult to be comfortable in the presence of anyone

at the moment I am staying here......there are a few people I would like to respond to....I just don't want to travel too far from here.....I am looking after me...living in the now....this is today

take care ....all of the above written with the best intentions

[Former-Member]

I'm very careful on how I read everything on posts/online as I can't see the persons facial expressions so it can be read in so many tones. I read it very bland and slow lol. Makes it safer. Also if I don't grasp something or can't understand what they are saying I generally ask for them to explain again until I get it. Keeps it a lot more pleasant I personally find.

No I don't think your getting me. I'm always myself. I can't be anything else. I've tried for the fact of fitting it but I was board and still don't fit in. I'm polite, friendly but very blunt and to the point which people can find a turn off but then again I find people who can't get to the point a turn off lol.

I just don't feel accepted. Like think of your bed. You know that warm feeling being under your blanket and pillow is in the right place and your just all cozy. Pretend that feeling is accepted. It's a great feeling. I feel like I'm in a bed with a new pillow that's stiff sheet coming off the bed and the blanket just fell off me.

So basically I feel at times everyone on the forum is in a cosy bed all together nice and warm. They are clicking and I'm on the end with no blanket. Like I'm present I'm just not 100% included. But then again that's how i feel about everything in life except with my husband.

[MaryMahem]

I get cross when my mother gets annoyed at me for not being happy.

I get cross when drivers sit at the speed limit or under in the right lane.

I get cross when I'm expected to be endlessly giving.

I get cross when pretty people get away with everything.

I get cross at myself for being so bitter.

I am cross all the time about something.

[Former-Member]

Hello @MaryMahem

feeling cross all of the time is very draining and defeating which also can make you cross...

so the cycle continues...

beginning to beak the cycle can come about by acknowledging the feeling being there

this has been a huge breakthrough for me....I didn't know that in the many layers of depression there was a hidden feeling of being cross

I too get cross at myself for feeling cross even now...so am practising recognising this

I think that you expressed yourself well