Lived Experience Forum

[2complicated]

As Carer and full-time working mother of 3 boys - I feel pushed to breaking point. If I don’t work then I lose the roof over our head, my youngest now 15 yr old boy is making my life hell (truancy and so incredibly nasty), oldest 20 has moderate Autism and despite having a NDIS package simply falls through gaps without proper support funding. Currently changed to a new agency. Middle boy 18 getting ready for exams.  It’s 3am - I cant sleep because I’m upset over the 15yr old giving away a top he begged for his birthday only 2 weeks ago . I worked soo hard and ordered this very expensive $160 top... this afternoon he up and gave it to his girlfriend when I told him not to right in front of me. (Little miss invited to my house for the first time) she wore it with a smug smile. Later  I had a heart to heart with my youngest to explain why I was very upset - but he is soo selfish (possibly spectrum arrogance too)...How do other mums deal with this??? Consequences will be there are no more expensive gifts and no more girlfriend visits naturally. I am just shocked over how he just does not care. His father (Aspie) only sees him part time and let’s him do what ever he wants - In the mean time I trying to get his older brother support and deal with this. I work 10hr days - with  no extended family it’s so hard. Any suggestions? 

[greenpea]

@2complicated  Hey 2complicated and welcome to the forum. I have 3 kidults 2 of whom are on the spectrum with other problems. I dont have your problem (yet) as they are both too autistic and are very cautious of being taken advantage of people (I have warned them heaps about neurotypicals taking advantage of autstic people). Maybe that is something you could say to your autistic son that his so called girl friend has just scored a brand new top thanks to him not listening to his mum.

She sounds like one of the neurotypicals I have warned my children against.  All you can do is what you are doing never buy him anything expensive (to protect him) and not have this so called girlfriend around (she sounds like trouble).

Don't think I have been much help. If you want to talk with someone put a @infront of their name and a notification will be sent to them. Take care peaxx

[2complicated]

Thank you for responding- it is just nice to have someone acknowledge I’m not crazy. And yes - no more expensive gifts and a new awareness of this young girls inability to have manners and greedy intentions. 

[Maggie]

@2complicated  I have nothing to offer, but wanted to say welcome to the forums. 

[Eden1919]

@2complicated  hello I am not a parent but I do wonder if the girl's parents know that she was being quite rude in someone else's house..... 

As for the autism and being careful around others I can understand that, there are a lot of people who don't seem to care about others and often people on the spectrum are overly caring of others even if they dont always know how to show it so sometimes it is important to be cautious around others. is the 15yr old able to articulate why he is behaving the way he is? perhaps having some time on a weekend to sit and have a conversation or if he doesnt like talking he could write something down or communicate however he preffers and maybe if you can find out why he is skipping school and being rude you can try and put things in place that make him less inclined to do those things? 

[2complicated]

Thank you for your thoughts.. yes talking about school the teenager simply states that I don’t understand - he does not see the point of it and basically the majority of teachers are (bleeps). The school knows he has morbid anxiety and ADHD (which he refuses to take medication for). As far as they are concerned the parent needs to come up with solutions and threaten to make him stay back to repeat the year. He is not sleeping so I am going back to the pediatrition this month. This costs big $$$ over $120 out of pocket. I have pushed for taking electronics out of his room at night but he listenes to music to sleep . This has not been taken well as you can appreciate- with the whole “Why do you continue to punish me if I turn up at school (sometimes not to lunch time).. I am definitely the enemy right now. 

[Eden1919]

@2complicated  it is always hard when schools dont seem to care to help in any way, of course they have limited resources but they could at least try something. meds are hard they are pretty hit or miss but regardless i highly doubt the schools suggestion of scaring him into school is going to be of much use. one of my siblings has severe anxiety and ADHD and it was a serious struggle for my parents to keep them in school until they finished yr 12 nothing they said or did would make my sibling do any school work or go to school if they didnt want to. it has been a little while since then and after some time and talks it turns out that the set up of school was so incredibly stress inducing for my sibling that they had to shut it out in a way and just ignore it because they couldnt cope. my sibling is very smart and capable but the amount of effort they have to put in to simply read a page or write a sentance of an assignment because of the ADHD and anxiety just wasnt worth the fight at the time. 

my sibling is now considering more hands on learning options and is great when they can learn by doing something physically. i guess my point is that school isnt made for everyone and for some people it isnt a good environment for them and that doesnt mean you dont have to go while you are a kid but maybe if you could take the pressure off for a while as far as achievement then he might at least attend and often they can still pass you. when he gets older he will likely have an idea of what he wants to do and then he will have more motivation to achieve his goals in the meantime he can always work sometimes having to work in fast food can remind people why they should study..... still all just suggestions and i dont know your son but i hope you can find some kind of solution. 

[2complicated]

Thank you for sharing - it is a relief just knowing others are and have gone through this. Great insight and could not agree more. Now he is 15 I am trying to see if I can get him either volunteer work or part time - This is a great motivator to look again - thank you